Jack Bauer vs.Chuck Norris

[budokaiboy]

Who would win in a fight? I'm not talking about the young LoneWolf McQuade Norris, but the older Texas Walker Ranger one. Assuming Jack had his PDA and cellphone and Chuck had his nickel plated revolver and cowboy hat.

Please feel free to respond with comments telling me I watch to much TV :-)
Any abusive comments are welcomed, I'm bored silly.

[BennyB]

Now look here, before you make crazy "what if" scenarios, there's a few things you should know about Chuck Norris....

1. Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When the director said he can't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
2. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
3. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
4. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and
5. the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
6. Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.
7. On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.
8. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
9. It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
10. Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
11. Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
12. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
13. God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
14. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
15. Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
16. Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.
17. If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.
18. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
19. We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before they could tell him there was a stripper in it.
20. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
21. Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
22. Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
23. In one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
24. Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.
25. Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
26. Chuck Norris invented water.
27. Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"
28. One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
29. Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.
30. Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them.

[BatRay]

I vote for Chuck Norris! He beat up Joe Piscopoe (sp?), and Jack Bauer has never done anything except go "Roooooaaaarrrr".

Anyone seen Conan O'Brien when NBC Universal happened, and Conan's desk had the Walker, Texas Ranger lever? ::

[MKDVR]

Between two different forums is just don't get the Chuck Norris reference. I noticed it a few months ago and hear it just about every week now. What is that all about? I'm lost.

[budokaiboy]

Well bennyB I think there are some things YOU should be made aware of with respect to Jack Bauer......

Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer. S
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's f*#king beef.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer f*#king hates lemonade.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men. Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better f*#king do it.
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the f*#k have you done with your life?
There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
Drive-Thru's are open for 24 hours because if Jack Bauer wants a chalupa, goddamnit Jack Bauer gets a chalupa. You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.
Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.
It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."
Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.
If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

So there :-P

[budokaiboy]

That walker lever was the bomb! I wish Conan would bring it back, although he used to get a little crazy pulling it like 10 times a minute. That movie where Chuck Norris fought Joe Piscopoe was almost as bad as the one where the kid saw Bruce Lee hallucinations and beat up a oil-hair slicked Jean Claude Van Damme who played a Russian heavy. I could barely watch that one and i'll watch practically any piece of crap that comes on.

Thank God for the ultimate reality show UFC :-), where the weeks loser is not determined by some ritualistic theatrical voting ceremony but by one guy kicking the living shit out of the other poor bastard. Doesn't get much "realler" than that.

I remember the first time I saw UFC after taking Karate for 12 years and watched Royce Gracie repeatedly choke the strikers till their heads turned purple after being in the ring with them for like 20 seconds. Oops guess I took the wrong style for about a decade too long oh well :-)

Chuck Norris would of course still beat the shit out of a lot of guys half his age he was World Heavyweight Champ for like 3 years in a row about a hundred years ago. His acting seems to get worse as he gets older which is kind of odd.

[BatRay]

"Yes we really have a lot of stuff to cover on the show tonight-" Conan suddently reaches over and pulls the lever with a crazed look in his eye. Ah yes, it was a wonderful, wonderful thing. Especially when that crazy-looking criminal died in slow motion.

I must admit I didn't like that movie either, it was called Sidekicks . The Joe Piscopo fight scene was good for the humor, the rest of the movie was awful. Except when the biker guys were calling Beau Bridges a grub. That was kinda funny too.

[Rockbrother]

Don't know Jack Bauer but,

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

George Bush had a sure plan for invading Iraq, unfortunately Chuck Norris was busy that day.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret

[bluecape]

All you guys who have contributed to this thread, when you log off your PC, and leave the room, remember to look behind you.

Cos thats where the Ranger's gonna be....

[Pastor]

Originally Posted by Rockbrother

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret

between this and todays joke thread, Ive had a good day against the odds

[Old Man Dave]

All the forgoing pales into insignificance when you remember that Jack murdered one of his own team. Anyone who shoots one of his bosses in the head wins my vote.

After a particularly shitty day at work maybe Old Sarge will lend me one of his guns.

[bdurrett]

Originally Posted by Old Man Dave

Anyone who shoots one of his bosses in the head wins my vote.

After a particularly shitty day at work maybe Old Sarge will lend me one of his guns.

He only HAS one, remember? "One world, one rifle!"

But, I can tell you that if you shoot your boss in the head with a .375, it is going to make one he|| of a mess..... a la "Pulp Fiction" - "Why am I on brain detail? You da one dat shot da muddafuer!"

[seaman]

Who'da heck are Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer anyway Larry Tatum would kick the livin'days out of those guys any given day, hands down pal

[cantshoot]

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

If that is true
Jack Bauer pulled out her Eye Brows one by one because she wouldn' tell him who took the cookie from the cookie jar.

Chic Norris is an Army of One because Jack Bauer killed everyone else.


The bottom line is Chuck Norris fights fair,
Jack Bauer doesn't care, he will just shoot you.

[Alexx]

Oh, come on...

Steven Seagal would kick them both without a blink of his eye