Jokes Thread!!!

[Alison]

To funny you two love it

[jimdoe2you]

This may only work for the U.S., so my apologies to the rest of my global brethren if it doesn't work for you. Our phone numbers have a three digit prefix called an area code followed by three more numbers and then four more after that. An example would be (239) 555-7779.

Here is a math phenomenon that will get you thinking.


1. Grab a calculator. (You won't be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer???

[sinkweight]

the number of people I've driven off Dead Man's Ravine!

They really need to start removing those top layers of cars. They're so piled up, the last couple of people that I tried ramming off the side just end up skipping over the car pile, and over to the other side of the ravine. It kind of loses it's "kick" without the sound of the engine slowly fading and the plume of fire and smoke in the rear view mirror.

[jimdoe2you]

Oh, ..................well I guess that works, ...................for you.

I thought it was the length [censored censored censored] in millimeters!

Opps, ........... sorry.

[Absolute]

A middle school science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,"Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!".
She then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy."
Then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
First, you have a dirty mind.
Second, you didn't read your homework.
And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed.

[island_sands]

The woodpeckers.......


A Hawaiian Woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.



The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they had a tree in Hawaii that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian

woodpecker was in awe.



The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a Canadian tree that was absolutely unpeckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.



After flying to Canada, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused.

How is that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian

woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own country?



After much woodpeckering, they both came to the same conclusion:


Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home!."

[Groupermadness]

I just laughed so much that i have a map of africa on my left trouser leg.


Thanks Mss Sands.

[Freediver81]

Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."

Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

"Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

[crusty]

Has to be one of the Funniest thing i have ever read, sadly didnt see it on T.V would have loved to


This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. The late
great Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god
knows how many takes). The irony is that they received not one
complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining
herds.

Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not
wetting your pants] as you read ...

--------------------------------------------------------

This is the story of Rindercella and her suglyisters.

Rindercella and her suglyisters lived in a margelansion.
Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying posspits, and
shivellingshot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The suglyisters were right buglyastards. One was called Mary Hinge, and
the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forriblehuckers;
they had fettysweet and fettyswannies.

The suglyisters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts
would not let Rindercellago.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairyfodmother appeared. Her
name was ShairyHithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.

She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a huckingcuge farriage with
six dandy ronkeys who had bugehollocks and dig bicks. The gairy
fodmother told Rindercellato be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would
be a cuckingfalamity.

At the ball, Rindercellawas dancing with the prandsomehince when
suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said
Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barseover ollocks, so dropping her
slassglipper.

The very next day the prandsomehince knocked on Rindercella's door and
the suglyisters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and
let off a fig bart.

"Who'sfustjarted??" asked the prandsomehince.
"Blame that fuglyucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on
both the suglyisters without success and their feet stuckingfunk. Betty
Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsomehince a knack in
the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fugehalls and a
higbard on.

He tried the slassglipperon Rindercellaand it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsomehince were married. The pransomehince lived
his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a
follenswanny.


Crusty

[Absolute]

Crusty, You are the man!

Thanks for the laugh!

[Alison]

Whats the difference between a condom and a coffin?








You come in one and go in the other!

[sinkweight]

I'm not sure if anyone's told this yet...even me.



A lady has her car towed to the mechanic's shop across town one morning. The car ran horribly, and being of a non-mechanical nature, she let the mechanic look it over.

"You can pick her up a little after lunch." the mechanic said, patting the lady's car on its roof.

The early part of the day went by, and after lunch she was dropped back off at the mechanic's shop. She was surprised to see her car in the front of the shop, running smoothly, without any smoke or noises like it did when she brought it in.

"Wow!" she said, "I can barely believe it's the same car!"

"It wasn't that bad, really..." replied the mechanic.

"So what's the story?" she asked.

"Oh, just sh!t in the carbeurator." the mechanic explained.

"How often should I do that?" asked the lady.

[bdurrett]

Originally Posted by Alison

Whats the difference between a condom and a coffin?








You come in one and go in the other!

And if you are REALLY lucky, you can come and go at the same time!

[Groupermadness]

Fw: world war III

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting
over there?"
The bartender says "Yep, that's them".
So the guy walks over and says "Wow, this is a real honour! What are you
guys doing in here?"
Bush says "We're planning WW III".
And the guy says "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde
with high qualities".The guy exclaimed "A blonde with high qualities? Why
kill a blonde with high qualities? Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says "See, I
told you no one cares about the 140 million Muslims"

[bdurrett]

Or, for those who don't do it or aren't gettin' any, there is the ....

Nogasm