Jokes Thread!!!

[Groupermadness]

What about The gang bang - Soregasm

[fcallagy]

President bush wa interupted by his aide with the news that 3 brazilian soldiers had just been killed in action. Thats terrible he says to his aide and in a lower tone he asks how many in a brazilian again ?

[Freediver81]

The Compassionate Lawyer



One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.



Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"



"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.



"We have to eat grass."



"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.



"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree"



"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.



Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."



The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"



"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.



They all squeezed into the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,



"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."



The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high".

[crusty]

> ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
>
> Smart man + smart woman = romance
> Smart man + dumb woman = affair
> Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
> Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
> ______________________________
> OFFICE ARITHMETIC
>
> Smart boss + smart employee = profit
> Smart boss + dumb employee = production
> Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
> Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
> _____________________________
>
>
> SHOPPING MATH
>
> A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
> A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
> _____________________________
>
>
> GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
>
> A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
> A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
> A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
> spend.
> A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
> _____________________________
>
>
> HAPPINESS
>
> To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love
> him a little.
> To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
> understand her at all.
> ______________________________
>
>
> LONGEVITY
>
> Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are
> a lot more willing to die.
> ______________________________
>
>
> PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
>
> A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
> A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she
> does.
> _____________________________
>
>
> DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
>
> A woman has the last word in any argument.
> Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
> argument.
> _____________________________
>
> HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
> Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the
> ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I
> started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
>
>
>
>

[Epsilon]

An older woman is taking a walk in a city park. He sees a rather drunk man leaning with his both hands to a tall tree. As the woman is passing the man, he ask in rather drunk voice:" Excuse me, could tou tell me if I am holding something in my left hand?" The woman looks at his left hand and replies: "No, your not." The man continues:"How about my right hand, am I holding anything in my right hand?" She checks also his right hand, replies:"No, nothing in your right hand either." "Thank you very much", he says. "Thats probably the reason why my left shoe feels a bit wet."


Nice to read jokes from people from different parts of the world. I haven't heard most of the jokes told in this thread before.

T: Väinö

[Groupermadness]

1st Xmas joke .

[Groupermadness]

Am Man walks into the Library and asks for a book on Suicide
the Librarian says "P**s off ", you wont bring it back.

[miles]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open".

[Freediver81]

Subject: Health Insurance

The Queen was visiting one of Australia's top hospitals and during her
tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was
masturbating.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful. What is the meaning
of
this?"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry Your Majesty, this
man
has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with
semen. If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he
would die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a
patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health cover."

[Epsilon]

A man had bought himself a brand new shotgun, and was very eager to try out his new weapon. So he packed his bacpack with ammunition and made his way to the closest forest. He had been wandering in the woonds for a while with no luck with hunting, when he saw a clearing in the forest. In the middle of this clearing there was a big tree, that seemed to be full of holes from various kinds of ammunition. He wondered why people had been shooting that trunk some much, and decided to investigate further. As he approached the tree, he saw a big hole in the middle of th trunk. The hole was about the size of a persons head, and it was located at about the level of waist.

Maybe I'll find out the reason for all that shooting by looking inside the tree, he thought, and knelt down and pushed his head inside the trunk. To his great shock, a hideous troll grabbed the hold of his ears. He tried to pull his head back, but the troll was too strong. "I won't let you go, unless you give me a blowjob!" said the troll. He was terrified. He would rather die, than give the hideous troll a blowjob. He shouted, cried, threatened and more or less did everything he could to make the troll let him go, but it was all in vain. The troll just kept on laughing "Give me a blowjob, and I'll let you go." Realising that he had no alternative, the man had to give up. He started to perform his oral favors for the troll, who kept laughing and saying " I know you like it, I know you like it."

After all was done, the troll was very pleased, and let go of the poor hunter's ears. He fell backwards away from the tree. Furious with anger he grabbed his shot gun, and started shooting the tree. He was determined to kill the troll that had humiliated him in such a horrible way. He kept shooting until all his ammo was spent. Now he was certain that the troll would be dead as stone. He couldn't hear anything, and there weren't any traces of a dead troll in sight. The hunter asumed that the troll had died inside the trunk, but he wanted to be sure. So again he knelt down, and pushed his head inside the hole in the trunk.

The troll grabbed his ears for the second time and said smirking:"I told you you liked it!"

[Freediver81]

LOTTO WIN!!



A woman rushes home, bursting through the front door

of her house yelling to her husband " Pack your

bags sweetie, I just won the Lotto! $10 million of

it... Woooohoooo!"


"That's great, honey!", he replies, "Do I pack for

the beach or mountains?"



"Who cares!," she replies, "Just f*ck off!!"

[crusty]

Poor old Easter Bunny

[bdurrett]

You, my friend, are one sick puppy!

[DeepThought]

Originally Posted by crusty

Poor old Easter Bunny

I have a feeling I know who did it...



If you like those kind of pictures, this guy is a genius!!

[jimdoe2you]

What do blondes and sea turtles have in common????
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When they're on their backs, ......they're screwed!
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I can feel the wrath from the likes of sara and sam coming already.