Jokes Thread!!!

[Freediver81]

The Monks

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,
"My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feeds him dinner, even fixes his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
A sound not like anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes
back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand.
When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
"I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for:
By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change.
Only God knows what you ask.
All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk.

We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,
"The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, gold and diamond.

Finally, the monks say,
"This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end.
His life's wish is behind the door!
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is utterly amazed to find the source of that haunting and seductive sound...





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But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

[miles]

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient pleasuring himself right there in the hallway. "What condition does he have?" the student asks. "He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release 40 to 50 times a day, he'll pass into a coma." The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, getting oral gratification from a beautiful nurse. What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?" "Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

[Freediver81]

Originally Posted by miles

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient pleasuring himself right there in the hallway. "What condition does he have?" the student asks. "He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release 40 to 50 times a day, he'll pass into a coma." The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, getting oral gratification from a beautiful nurse. What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?" "Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

Sorry mate, but I posted this joke a few days ago!

[jimdoe2you]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, you should get it if it makes you happy."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.... The house that I fell in love with and wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and sign the contract, don't lose it a second time."

WOMAN: "OK. You're the best! Bye."

MAN: "Bye."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?

[Lachlan]

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side and
said, "You'll like this, Son!!"

"When I got married to your mother the first thing I did when we got
home was to take off my trousers. I gave them to your mother and told
her to try them on, which she did. They were enormous on her and she
said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too
large.

"I said to her, 'Of course they are too large for you. I wear the
trousers in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day we
have never had a single problem".

Jack took his father's advice to heart and as soon as he got Jill
alone after the wedding, he did the same thing. He took off his trousers and handed them to Jill and told her to try them on. When she did she said
"I can't wear these, they're far too large for me".

"Exactly" Jack replied "I wear the trousers in this family and I
always will. I don't want you to ever forget that".

Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on
Jack" she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't get into your knickers" said Jack.

So Jill said "Exactly, and if you don't change your attitude,
you never will!"

[Lachlan]

Wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Roy! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Never", says Roy. "But the doorman's on my bowling team."
Once they're seated a waitress asks Roy if he'd like his usual and brings over a Canadian. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know you drink Canadian Club?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them. We know each others habits."
A blonde stripper then comes over to their table, takes off her top, throws her arms around Roy, and says "Roy, baby. Want your usual table dance, big guy?"
Roy's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Roy follows her and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She screams at him at the top of her lungs, and calls him every name in the book.
After a couple minutes, the cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Roy".

[Lachlan]

Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

The moral of the story - - Pay Your Bills.

[Lachlan]

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."

[samdive]

A man went to a zoo. All it had was a dog.



It was a shitzu



:-)

[DeepThought]

What do you get when you cross a bull-terrier and a shitzu?



Bull-shit.

[miles]

Hiya

I'm an accountant by trade, so here's one of my Favourite accountant jokes:

Guy walks into a Unervisity. Goes to the chemistry professor and asks: "what's one plus one" The chemisty professor goes into his lab.......several explosions later a almost burnt to a crisp chemisty professor re-appears. The professor simply says :"TWO"

Guy goes to the Mathematic professor and poses the same question: "what's one plus one" . The math's professor starts scribbling formulaes, theorums and hypothesis on the HUGE black board. SEVERAL hours later the math's professor, completely exhuasted, truimphantly announces: "TWO!!!"

The guy is suitably impressed and decided to ask the accounting proffessor. So he goes to the accounting faculty and asks the secretary to see the accounting professor. The guy is ushered into the professors office. He now asks the accounting proffesor the exact same question : "what's one plus one"

The proffessor immediately casts a couple of side ways glances........slowly but deliberately moves to the door. Checks that nobody is watching and closes the door. After a thorough inspection that they are alone, he sidles up to the guys and whispers in his ear : "what do you want it to be??"

[Lachlan]

[Groupermadness]

There's a blonde who wants to make money, so she goes to the rich houses. she knocks on a door and says, can i help you with any work in the House? he says yes and says she could paint his porch. he said he would pay her fiffty bucks so she gets straight to work. an hour later she Knocks to let him know she is Finished and says by the way, it was a ferrrari, not a porche!!!!

Oh, and Freediver, if you already posted "this" joke..................I DON'T CARE.

[jimdoe2you]

.....nice final sentence.....

[Freediver81]

Originally Posted by Groupermadness

There's a blonde who wants to make money, so she goes to the rich houses. she knocks on a door and says, can i help you with any work in the House? he says yes and says she could paint his porch. he said he would pay her fiffty bucks so she gets straight to work. an hour later she Knocks to let him know she is Finished and says by the way, it was a ferrrari, not a porche!!!!

Oh, and Freediver, if you already posted "this" joke..................I DON'T CARE.

Actually I haven't posted it before!