Jokes Thread!!!

[Freediver81]

Rope trick

As we age, our priorities change.

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went to the pub. .

[Epsilon]

Discussion between a child and a mother.

-Mom, I want to play some more with grandmother!

-I'm not going to open the coffin again.

[jimdoe2you]

These are prime examples of a rare and special breed of Texas birdog.

Enjoy.

.

[bdurrett]

Originally Posted by jimdoe2you

These are prime examples of a rare and special breed of Texas birdog.

Enjoy.

.

Hey! I know that breed! That is the rare and expensive (but ultimately VERY stupid) buck-toothed, lop-earred, Redback, right? From what I heard, they are the first to get out to the bird but they have a habit of running out while the hunter is still shooting so not many make it past the first season....

[jimdoe2you]

...................and that's why this breed is so expensive! I heard that sinkweight spent $10,000 last year just on new dogs alone!

[miles]

One afternoon a little girl returned from school, and announced that
her friend had told her where babies come from.

Amused, her mother replied: "Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all
about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well... OK.. the Mummy and Daddy take off
All of their clothes, and the Daddy's thingy sort of stands up, and
then Mummy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and
that's how you get babies."

Her mum shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said,

"Oh,Darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies......... That's
how you get jewellery."

[greendiver]

, Miles.....where do you get the time.....

[Freediver81]

Wine

Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says,

“I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.”



"Praise the lord," says a blonde nun at the back. “I am so tired of chardonnay."

[Freediver81]

MAINTAINING A DISTANCE OF 5 PACES BEHIND!!!



Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA-ABC Television) did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.







She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.



Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"



The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without hesitation, said "Land mines."



MORAL OF THE STORY:



BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN!!

[Lachlan]

Originally Posted by miles

One afternoon a little girl returned from school, and announced that
her friend had told her where babies come from.

Amused, her mother replied: "Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all
about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well... OK.. the Mummy and Daddy take off
All of their clothes, and the Daddy's thingy sort of stands up, and
then Mummy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and
that's how you get babies."

Her mum shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said,

"Oh,Darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies......... That's
how you get jewellery."

Hahaha Good one Miles!!

[Freediver81]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to
consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have
a
confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with
him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get
something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second
time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you
doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to
get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more
time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone
and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn
hole."

[Donna]

Think I've just wrecked my keyboard with the coffee I just spat all over it

Thank you for brightening my day......

Donna

[Freediver81]

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"

The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"

The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"

The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"

The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."

The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"

The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

[Donna]

oh too funny..... my sides hurt

[Freediver81]

When you get a free moment you need to read this. So funny. REAL!!



This is gold!


..




Who says men aren't bitchy

-


>>Apparently going around NY at the moment.
>>
>>
>>1st is a girl's apology email
>>for cheating on some bloke. 2nd is his reply which was Bcc'd to his
>>entire address book. Its funny as. What a bitch.
>>
>>
>>Brad,
>>
>>It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I
>>feel
>
>>like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am
>>truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the
>>people
>
>>in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I
>>would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all or
>>anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of
>>us
>
>>had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you
>>being pi**ed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the
>>ugly
>
>>words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking
>>that you see me as a different person. It is weird, I feel like I just

>>went through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny
>>yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I
>>can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you
>>meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I
>>know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this
>>is
>
>>something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and
>>stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life,
>>I
>
>>can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to
>>say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn't reflect that, and

>>you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate
>>feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because

>>I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what
>>happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just
>>about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up
>>there
>
>>with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything
>>in
>
>>the world to rewind and fix it.
>>
>>I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you
>>won't. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for
>>getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at

>>your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be
>>great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel

>>like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it
>>was
>
>>not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I
>>really don't think I can handle that.
>>
>>
>>I am so sorry.
>>
>>
>>Elizabeth
>>
>>
>>
>>RESPONSE:
>>
>>
>>Dear Elizabeth,
>>
>>
>>Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L"
>>for
>
>>"Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less
>>about".
>>
>>You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting
>>to
>
>>carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of

>>whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for
>>45minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long
>>because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid
>>thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.
>>
>>To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and
>>degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour
>>span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't F**k
>>him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care
>>less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world
>>revolves
>
>>around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm

>>sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider
>>someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you
>>is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just
>>think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who
>>commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector.
>>I
>
>>could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who
>>comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing
>>someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of
>>anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's

>>new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room.

>>The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into
>>the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last
>>saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it
happened.
>>
>>By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class
>>you
>
>>really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you
do.
>>Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like
>>watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.
>>
>>PS. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email.
>>
>>Talk to you never,
>>Brad