Jokes Thread!!!

[sinkweight]

wow.





wwwow.

[Lachlan]

Well worth the read!!!! She deserved it!!!!

[bdurrett]

Reminds me of one of those "Cost of this that and the other = $<X-hundred>, Revenge:Priceless" things I saw once where some guy had dropped seriously big bucks on some girl to the point of giving her an engagement ring for $2K, goes to visit her at college, gets dumped 2 hours after landing and then proceeded to post personal porn videos of the 2 of them doin' the wild thing.... along with her name, address, and e-mail!

Yikes!

[miles]

Bill, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old blonde on his arm. She's hanging on his every word. His buddies at the club are aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bill how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bill replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're stunned, but continue to inquire about Bill's companion. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" Bill says, "I lied about my age." His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?" Bill smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

[Freediver81]

Subject: Code




Code

After hearing that Bush still didn't know whether he was alive, Osama
himself decided to send Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let
him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to
contain a coded message:

370HSSV 0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her
aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it so
it went to the CIA, then to NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, they
eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help.

MI-6 cabled the White House:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

[Groupermadness]

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.
The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."

So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?"

The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.

The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?"

Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"

[Freediver81]

Subject: New way to get fit & lose weight

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands
before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in
nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
company. The sign
reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second
thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and
puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same
girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On
the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost
10 lb. as promised. He then calls the company and orders their
5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and
there stands the most stunning, beautiful, se*y woman he has ever
seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a
sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in
excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he
does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the
next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the
fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost
another 20 lb. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone - "This is our
most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies,"I haven't felt
this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he
opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that read:,


"I'm Ronald. If I catch you, you're mine..."

[Freediver81]

Divorced Barbie


One day a father, on his way home from work, stops to buy his daughter a present for her birthday.

He goes into a toy store and asks the salesperson the price of a Barbie Doll.



The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have:

Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95



The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers : "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car,
Ken's House,
Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture,
Ken's Computer and...
One of Ken's Friends.

[crusty]

''Zimbabwean iPod''

I wonder if they make a waterproof one for diving


Crusty

[Freediver81]

A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says to the koala

"Hey! what are you doing?"
The koala says

"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard,

"What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says

"Hey you!"
The koala looks down and says

"Faaaaarrrrk dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

[Freediver81]

There is a factory located somewhere in America which makes the Tickle
Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new
employee is hired at the factory and starts at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,
putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel
Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there
are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to
pile up.

At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains
of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of
small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of
fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little
package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think
you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday"......


"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

[DeepThought]

Originally Posted by Freediver81

There is a factory located somewhere in China/Indonesia which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys....

Had to fix that.

[crusty]

>>>>A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they
>>>>end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she
>>>>notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly
>>>>teddy bears.
>>>>
>>>>Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,
>>>>cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge
>>>>enormous
>>
>>>>bears on the top shelf along the wall.
>>>>
>>>>The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of
>>>>teddy
>>>>bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to
>>>>mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive
>>>>side. She turns to him... they kiss...and then they rip each other's
>>>>clothes off and make hot steamy love.
>>>>
>>>>After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are
>>>>lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and she
>>>>asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>The guy says:
>>>>
>>>>












Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
>>>


Crusty

[AltSaint]

A freediver goes to see his shrink. He say to the shrink "I'm useless - just can't get the hang of doing Free Immersion. It's so simple...I'm pathetic".

Shrink replies, "Stop pulling yourself down".

( Can you tell I made that one up? )

[Freediver81]

Subject: The difference in definition between "guts" and "balls"!


Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with your mates,
being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"


Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife
on the bum and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty."