Jokes Thread!!!

[Freediver81]

Irish Speedo's

Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland in Australia in Bondi Beach,
Sydney couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls, so he asked the
local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old
baggy
swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years
outta style mate. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos
-
about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em.
I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new
super tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato inserted in them.

Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their
faces, turning away, and laughing, or looking sick.

So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's
wrong now?"

The lifeguard said, "Mate,,, The potato goes in the front!"

[crusty]

A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realises
>>>> that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift.
>>>>
>>>> So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he
>>>> sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies
> are.
>>>>
>>>> The girl responds: "Which one? We have:
>>>>
>>>> Gymnasium Barbie: £19.95
>>>> Volleyball Barbie: £19.95
>>>> Shopping Barbie: £19.95
>>>> Surfer Barbie: £19.95
>>>> Disco Barbie: £19.95 AND
>>>> Divorced Barbie: £299.95
>>>>
>>>> Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie £299.95 when all the
>>>> other Barbies are £19.95?"
>>>>
>>>> Exasperated, the girl responds: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with":
>>>>
>>>> Ken's Car
>>>> Ken's House
>>>> Ken's Boat
>>>> Ken's furniture
>>>> Ken's jewellery
>>>> Ken's money
>>>> Ken's computer, and
>>>> Ken's best friend


Crusty

[jimdoe2you]

Oh, Crusty!!!!

Didn't you notice that joke is in plain sight about 5 or 6 posts above?

Someone please make up a joke about Crusty and we'll all tease him in the name of fun!

[crusty]

Oooorrrr Maaan
Whos a dick head then, ill get in the corner with the Dunces hat on.
I thought I had heard it before.
Come on then Fire away
Thatll learn me

Crusty

[sinkweight]

I'm not sure if I told this one yet, chances are good, though. I reckon nobody else has, since this is a stupid joke and all. Joke takes place in one of those cliche, small, Texas towns. Where the diner is part of the post office...and the jail.

There's a man on his porch taking shade from the heat, blotting the sweat off his neck with his hankerchief with one hand, and swatting yellowjackets with the other, from his broken recliner. He hears the pit-pat of barefoot feet on hot asphault, squints his eyes and says, "Here comes that idiot."

The town idiot comes runnin' down the main street (the only street), past his house, holding a bail of chicken-wire fencing. The bewildered man leans forward and hollers, "Hey, boy! Whar ya goin' with that chicken warr !?!"

The idiot slides to a stop and yells, "I'm gonna get me some CHICKENS!"

30 minutes later, the idiot comes strolling back by his porch, but lugging a fence with about 20 chickens that got their heads stuck in the wire mesh. The bewildered man was astonished. "You're an idiot!" the man says to the town idiot

About an hour later, the idiot comes chugging past the man's porch with a roll of "duck" tape. The man again leans forward to shout "Whar ya goin' with that duck tape, boy !?!"

The idiot slides to a stop, and yells "I'm gonna get me some DUCKS!" and continues running down the main street.

But sure enough, the idiot comes drudging back half and hour later with at least 15 mallards, all tangled in a web of his tape. Upset by all this craziness, the man musters the energy to climb out of his recliner, stand up and point at the idiot and yell, "You. Are. An. IDIOT!".

Well, about thirty minutes after that, the idiot comes running down the main street and inevitably past the distraut man's porch. The man can't exactly tell what the idiot is whipping around his his jogging hands, so he inquires the approaching buffoon, "Say, boy! Idiot! What'cha got in yer hand this time !?!"

The idiot doesn't stop, instead he steams straight down the main street. He whizzes past the man in his chair and yells, "Pussywillow!"

The man clutches the arms of his recliner and then immediately jumps to his feet and shouts, "Slow DOWN son! Lemme' get my hat and slap on some bay rum!"

[Mark Tomkins]

Originally Posted by sinkweight

I'm not sure if I told this one yet, Lemme' get my hat and slap on some bay rum!"

If you did it was on another forum or I somehow missed it, that is a real classic... but I'm pretty sure I read them all - not like Marwan (no offense buddy but that's "bin there, dun that" and aint so far back! - {but still a goody though})

[Marwan]

none taken mark, i just didnt go through the 18 pages of jokes, so i sort of took that chance
cheers

[Mark Tomkins]

I was actually going back through them looking for it but got bored after about 7 or 8 pages. Theres always a good chance I saw it on another site and am completely wrong about it already being on this one! If that's the case - "This jokes on me!" (not positive though - eyes not focussing sp? quite right! - nor much else for that matter - good right now but tomorrows gonna suck though)

[Epsilon]

Interviewing a Finnish Soldier

After the end of the Finnish war, a young female reporter from a
British newspaper was sent to Finland to write an article about the
soldiers homecoming. She had interviewed half a dozen, when she met
Pekka on the street.

"Excuse me," she said, "were you in the war?"

"Yes, I was in the infantry."

"Would you mind answering a few questions for a newspaper article?"

"No, I wouldn't mind at all."

"When you came home, when the war was over, what was the first thing
you did?"

"I made love to my wife," Pekka said bluntly.

The journalist went crimson, and tried desperately to change the
subject.

"After that, I mean. What did you do after that?"

"I made love to her again," he answered.

The journalist turned an even darker shade of red. "Other than that!
Uh - what did you do when you were finished with all that?"

"Then I took off my skis, my heavy backpack and ate."

[johnny]

>



After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still
>alive,"
>
> Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own
> handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
>
> Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of
> coded message:
>
> 370HSSV-0773H
>
> Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her
>aides
> had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
>
> No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to
the
> NSA.
>
> With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's
MI-6
> for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this
reply
> "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
>

[sinkweight]

Here's one I just heard...

Two wives, that had gotten away for a night on the town, were heavily intoxicated and their bladders full. Both decided to sneak into a civil servant cemetary to relieve themselves behind two large tombstones, as to avoid being caught by downtown police.

After emptying their bladders, they realized they needed something to wipe with. The first wife used her cotton panties, but the other wife was wearing a little lacey number, and didn't want to ruin them. So, she used a ribbon that was on a bouquet wreath on one of the tombstones. They each headed home and crashed into bed next to their respective husbands.

The next morning, both husbands were upset and worried that their women were out so late and came home in such lousy conditions. One decided to call the other by telephone before they went to work.

"Hey, these ladies-night-outs have GOT to stop. My wife came home drunk....without her panties." The first said worriedly.

"You're lucky!" The second said furiously, "MY wife may have come home with her panties in tact, but three sheets to the wind, and with a card stuck on her ass that read: 'From all of us at the firestation, we will never forget you' !"

[Freediver81]

Sorry mate, but I posted this one a week ago! Good joke anyway!

Originally Posted by johnny

>



After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still
>alive,"
>
> Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own
> handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
>
> Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of
> coded message:
>
> 370HSSV-0773H
>
> Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her
>aides
> had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
>
> No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to
the
> NSA.
>
> With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's
MI-6
> for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this
reply
> "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
>

[Freediver81]

Originally Posted by sinkweight

Here's one I just heard...

Two wives, that had gotten away for a night on the town, were heavily intoxicated and their bladders full. Both decided to sneak into a civil servant cemetary to relieve themselves behind two large tombstones, as to avoid being caught by downtown police.

After emptying their bladders, they realized they needed something to wipe with. The first wife used her cotton panties, but the other wife was wearing a little lacey number, and didn't want to ruin them. So, she used a ribbon that was on a bouquet wreath on one of the tombstones. They each headed home and crashed into bed next to their respective husbands.

The next morning, both husbands were upset and worried that their women were out so late and came home in such lousy conditions. One decided to call the other by telephone before they went to work.

"Hey, these ladies-night-outs have GOT to stop. My wife came home drunk....without her panties." The first said worriedly.

"You're lucky!" The second said furiously, "MY wife may have come home with her panties in tact, but three sheets to the wind, and with a card stuck on her ass that read: 'From all of us at the firestation, we will never forget you' !"

[crusty]

I know its not a joke but i thought it was funny enough

Crusty

[sinkweight]

If it laughs like a joke, it must be a joke