Jokes Thread!!!

[crusty]

True Australian Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car, slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve.

John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce.. here's the F***ing idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."


Crusty

[Freediver81]

An English ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a
small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have some fun, so he says to the Kiwi "Can I talk to
your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git"
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?
Dog: "Doin' alright"
Villager: (Look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play"
Villager: (Look of disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either. I think"
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (Absolutely dumfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
elements"
Villager: (Total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (In a panic) "The sheep's a liar!!!

[Poida]

lol@freediver

There was a chicken run with 101 chickens and 1 old rooster name of Fred that has been there for years to service them all.

Farmer Brown and his wife walked down the chicken run, opened the door and put in a brand new young rooster, named Bruce.

Bruce fluffed up his nice white feathers, puffed up his chest and started strutting around the chook run.

"G'day mate"
Young Bruce looked around to face the source of the voice and is confronted by old Fred, a sad looking rooster with yellowed feathers and a croaky voice.

"Let me show you around buddy," says Fred.
"Oh, OK," replies Bruce.
So Fred shows Bruce where the water is, where the food is and where the chickens roost and in fact extends the hand (sorry claw) of friendship.

After Fred has shown Bruce around, Bruce says, "You know, I thought that you would be upset with me being here taking your chickens away from you."

"No, not at all," replies Fred "it would be good to have a mate."

"OK," says Bruce, "Mates we are."

"Tell yer what," says Fred, "as mates I reckon we should share."

"Sounds good to me," replies Bruce, "but share what?"

"The chickens," says Fred, "there's 101 chickens, lets share them right down the middle 50/50, 1/2 for you and 1/2 for me, 50 chickens for you and 50 chickens for me."

"DONE!" says Bruce, "hang on, 101 chickens, 50 each that only makes 100 chickens there's 1 left over."

"Gee Bruce, didn't realise that, mate you are sharp," says Fred, "tell yer what Bruce, you look to me like a sporting kinda guy."

"Well ur I guess," Bruce replied puffing his feathers up a bit more.

"Tell yer what Bruce let's have a race to see who gets the extra chicken, let's say 3 laps around the chicken run."

"Well Ok," Bruce said immediately, "but I don't think I would have any trouble beating you."

"Oh sorry Bruce," says Fred, "I am insulting you, of course in all fairness, as you seem to me, to a fair type of guy, you would want me to have say 1/2 a chook run start, to make any sort of fair competition."

"Well, I guess, yeah, sort of," Bruce stammers.

"OK done," says Fred.

So the 2 roosters line themselves up with Fred 1/2 a chook run ahead of Bruce. One of the chickens yells GO! and they are off.

Fred takes off with Bruce closing in fast amid a flurry of squawking and feathers.

Suddenly there is a loud BANG! and Bruce gets pummelted into the ground his snow white feathers covered in blood.

Farmer Brown lowers his smoking gun, turns to his wife and says, "I just can't believe it, this is the third homosexual rooster we have bought this month."

[island_sands]

Signs Your Computer is from Deep East Texas

10.The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is Bubba.
4. There's a gunrack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 sign your computer is from Deep East Texas...

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."

[Poida]

There once were 2 prawns, Harry and Christian.

One day Harry and Christian were hanging around a reef when, POOF! an octupus jumped in front of them.

They were just about to run when the octupus sais, "Don't be afraid I am a magic octupus and I can turn you into any sea creature you want to be."

"I'm quite happy being a prawn," says Christian.
"I want to be a shark," said Harry excitedly, "because everyone is afraid of sharks, and they are the king of the oceans."

"POOF! all of a sudden Harry turns into a shark and swims off into the distance.

After several months of being a shark, Harry once again meets up with the magic octupus.

"Oh magic octupus, I am pleased to see you," cries Harry. "I am so tired of being a shark because everyone hates me and I am always hungry and I have no social life, so please, please, can you change me back into a prawn?"

"Oh, OK," says the magic octupus.

POOF! Harry is all of a sudden back into a prawn again.

The first thing Harry wants to do is call on his old friend Christian, so he runs around the reef and straight up to Christians door and gives it a loud knock.

"Who's there," shouts Christian.

"It's me, your old friend Harry," Harry replies.

"Go away!" shouts Christian. "Your a shark and if open the door you will eat me."

"No, no, not any more." yells Harry. "I'm a prawn again Christian!"

[land shark]

oooooooooooooo a groanerrr!!

[sinkweight]

Originally Posted by Live at the Sands

Signs Your Computer is from Deep East Texas...

I'll have you know, honey, that Texas was always incorporating high-technology and state-of-the-art hardware, when computers were still taking up entire building floors and managing computation with analog tape, in the late 70's and early 80's

Unfortunately for us here in Texas, in that day most of the leading-edge computing was utilized to try and guess who shot J.R. on the hit T.V. series, "Dallas".

[island_sands]

The Lord made man in the Garden of Eden. Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.'"
After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

And............



Then he added a mouth.
Ruined the whole *£$%&$ thing

[sinkweight]

Ha ha. Nice visual aid, Sands.

That's a good segway for this stupid joke.

A man comes home from the doctor's office and is greeted at his front door by his wife.

"You bought a hearing aid!" she squealed in delight.

"Of course. I told the doctor how much you nagged me about getting one, so I finally gave in. I think it's a special kind of hearing aid, though. It's so small I don't know where the batteries go." The man replied.

"What kind is it?" the wife asked

"It's almost 5:30"

[Groupermadness]

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff. As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations." She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... " The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,
breaking into a hundred pieces.

"shit" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

[Poida]

Young woman races into the doctor's surgery and cries, "doctor I think there is something wrong with my averies."

"I think you may have the wrong terminology there young lady, we'll have a look," says the doctor.

After a minutes examination he puts his head up from beneath the sheet and says, "your right, you've had a cockatoo up there."

[Absolute]

Eeerrrr? I don't get it.

[Freediver81]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young punk walked up
to
the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors:
green,red,orange, blue and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time
the punk looked, the old man was staring at him. The punk finally said
sarcastically, "What's the matter, old timer? Never done anything wild
in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk
once and had s*x with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my
son."

[island_sands]

Because.... see attached.

[Epsilon]

And here's a little look at the temperature and the way Finnish people respond to it.



+15°C / 59°F
This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here.
People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves.
The Finns are out in the sun,getting a tan.

+10°C / 50°F
The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.

+5°C / 41°F
Italian cars won't start.
The Finns are cruising in cabriolets.

0°C / 32°F
Distilled water freezes.
The water in Vantaa river (in Finland) gets a little thicker.

-5°C / 23°F
People in California almost freeze to death.
The Finns have their final barbecue before winter.

-10°C / 14°F
The Brits start the heat in their houses.
The Finns start using long sleeves.

-20°C / -4°F
The Aussies flee from Mallorca.
The Finns end their Midsummer celebrations. Autumn is here.

-30°C / -22°F
People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth.
The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.

-40°C / -40°F
Paris start cracking in the cold.
The Finns stand in line at the hotdog stands.

-50°C / -58°F
Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole.
The Finnish army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real
winter weather.

-60°C / -76°F
Korvatunturi (the home for Santa Claus) freezes.
The Finns rent a movie and stay indoors.

-70°C / -94°F
The false Santa moves south.
The Finns get frustrated since they can't store their Kossu (Koskenkorva
vodka) outdoors.
The Finnish army goes out on winter survival training.

-183°C / -297.4°F
Microbes in food don't survive.
The Finnish cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.

-273°C / -459.4°F
ALL atom-based movent halts.
The Finns start saying "Perkele, it's cold outside today."

-300°C / -508°F
Hell freezes over.
Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest