Jokes Thread!!!

[Oldsarge]

"Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?"
__________________
Does that imply that the dog is commenting on someone's oral hygiene? And this from a species that thinks rolling in a decomposed 'possum is perfume?

[miles]

But it's better to be a woman because:

We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming, or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.

We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's sad.

We can wear platforms - which is why there is no such thing as a 'short woman's complex'

We don't have to get our strength up between sessions, ...and it's much easier for us to get laid in the first place.

We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.

We never ejaculate prematurely.

We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - they look like complete dicks in ours.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy.

We can cry and get off speeding fines.

The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts......and pool.....and football.

We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers..... men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

We know that games are fun, but don't believe there's a direct correlation between the size of our scores and the size of our genitals.

Taxis stop for us.

We get drunk quicker and cheaper.

We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

It does not enhance our social standing to understand the inner workings of a 'ruck' (or any other rugby thing). But we look INCREDIBLY cool if we do.

We never recognise ourselves in aspects of Mr Bean. Ever.

And finally... We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

Just so that the female population on DB doesn't flame me!!!!

[miles]

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
>>** You make the bed .............................................+1
>>** You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
>>** You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1
>>** You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5
>>** You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0
>>** When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
>>** When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2
>>** You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
>>** in the snow.............................................. .....+8
>>** but return with beer..........................................-5
>>** and no liners............................................ ....-25
>>** You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0
>>** You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0
>>** You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5
>>** You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
>>** It's her cat............................................... ..-40

>>** AT THE PARTY
>>** You stay by her side the entire party............ 0
>>** You stay by her side for a while, then
>>** leave to chat with a College drinking buddy......-2
>>** Named Tiffany....................................-4
>>** Tiffany is a dancer..............................-10
>>** With breast implants.............................-18

>>** HER BIRTHDAY
>>** You remember her birthday................................0
>>** You buy a card and flowers...............................0
>>** You take her out to dinner.............................. 0
>>** You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
>>** Okay, it is a sports bar................................-2
>>** And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3
>>** It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your
>>** face is painted the colors of your favorite team........-10

>>** A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
>>** Go with a pal.......................................0
>>** The pal is happily married..........................+1
>>** The pal is single...................................-7
>>** He drives a Ferrari.................................-10
>>** With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15

>>** A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
>>** You take her to a movie...............+2
>>** You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
>>** You take her to a movie you hate......+6
>>** You take her to a movie you like......-2
>>** It's called Death Cop 3...............-3
>>** Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9
>>** You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

>>** YOUR PHYSIQUE
>>** You develop a noticeable pot belly................-15
>>** You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...+10
>>** You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose
>>** jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...........................-30
>>** You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".................-800

>>** THE BIG QUESTION
>>** She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
>>** You hesitate in responding......................-10
>>** You reply, "Where?".............................-35
>>** You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".........-100
>>** Any other response..............................-20

>>** COMMUNICATION
>>** When she wants to talk about a problem:
>>** You listen, displaying a concerned expression....................0
>>** You listen, for over 30 minutes..................................+5
>>** You relate to her problem and share a similar experience........+50
>>** You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well,
>>** what do you think I should do"...........................-50
>>** You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+100
>>** She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep............-200

[miles]

Dysfunctional Section of Hallmark Cards

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...

(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.


2. I must admit, you have brought religion into my life...

(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until you moved in.


3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....

(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.


4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....

(Inside card) - Will you please take the knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.


5. Someday I hope to marry...

(Inside card) - Someone better than you.


6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....

(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!


7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me..

(Inside card) - Now that we've broken up, I think it's time that you kept your promise.


8. We've been friends for a very long time..

(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?


9. I'm so miserable without you...

(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.


10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...

(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?


11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...

(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.


12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday...

(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.


13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia)


14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...

(Inside card) - What was I thinking?

[miles]

Hiya

Well, i'm out of jokes now....................

Please feel free to add some................

Regards
miles

[Poida]

Thanks Miles they were great. It is sad tho', you don't appear to have a life.

[miles]

Hiya

Yeah, sadly i trudge through my day by spending most of it on a website called Deeperblue.net, only excusing myself on the odd occation to go and shoot some feeeeshh!!

Oh what a dreary existance.................

:

Regards
miles

[ÄþñêÄ åñåR¢H阮]

when i was young and with no sense


i pissed on a electrical fence

[sinkweight]

Originally Posted by Oldsarge

Does that imply that the dog is commenting on someone's oral hygiene? And this from a species that thinks rolling in a decomposed 'possum is perfume?

I think you've got an idea there, Sarge!

[sinkweight]

Visual gags aside, here's a "real" joke...

An southern immigrant and a Texan redneck are applying for the same job. Sitting closely at a small desk in the manager's office, both of them quickly complete a form and small background questionnaire. The manager soon takes the forms and grades them in the breakroom. After about thirty minutes of awkward glances between the two applicants, the manager returns to the office. The Texan redneck confidently stood up to accept his new job.

"Have a seat, sir." the manager said, "I went over the background questionnaire you've both filled out, and it turns out you both had all of the background skills our company is looking for. Surprisingly, both of you missed the same question on the form. I've given the situation some thought and decided to hire Mr. Gonzales for the job."

"WHAT?" shouted the Texan redneck, throwing his trucker hat down on the manager's desk, "I can't believe you'd pick a dumb ol' foreigner over a true-blood Texan! You just said we missed the same question! How could his wrong answer be better than MY wrong answer?"

"Well." the manager calmly explained, "You see right here?" The manager held up Mr. Gonzales' neatly completed questionnaire next to the redneck's scribbly, eraser-scarred questionnaire. "Question number 32....Mr. Gonzales here replied with an 'I don't know'....and here on your form....you put 'Neither do I'."

[miles]

Tips on Love from Kids

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
(Judy,8)

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife."
(Tom,5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
(Mike, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
(Jim, 10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
(Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them."
(Lynette, 9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
(Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
(Jan, 9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
(Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
(Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."
(Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
(Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
(Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
(Christine,9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."
(Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television."
(Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
(Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
(Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
(Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
(Del, 6)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
(Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me."
(Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love."
(John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food."
(Brad, 8)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are on fire."
(Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day."
(Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:

"You learn it right on the spot when the gushy feelings get the best of you."
(Doug, 7)

"It might help to watch soap operas all day."
(Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it."
(Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
(Tom, 7)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash."
(Randy, 8)

[miles]

Advice from Kids Part11
Kids. They're sticky. They're loud. And, yes, sometimes wildly entertaining.

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
Michael, 14

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Michael, 14

Stay away from prunes.
Randy, 9

Don't squat with your spurs on.
Noronha, 13

Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
Emily, 10

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
Taylia, 11

Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers.
Mitchell, 12

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic Tac.
Andrew, 9

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
Kyoyo, 9

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Armir, 9

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
Kellie, 11

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Naomi, 15

Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Lauren, 9

Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
Traci, 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel, 10

Never try to baptize a cat.
Eileen, 8

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
Alyesha, 13

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
Alan, 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
Kirsten, 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
Camille, 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
Freddie, 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
Pam, 7

The law says you have to be 18, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
Curt, 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
Anita, 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, 10

[miles]

The Wit and Wisdom of Homer Simpson

If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing!

If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair.

Children are our future. Unless we stop them now.

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.

Everybody makes mistakes. That's why they put erasers on pencils.

Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, you.

My wife's not some doobie to be passed around! I took a vow on our wedding day to bogart her for life.

Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know that volunteers don't even get paid for the stuff they do?

Roads are just a suggestion Marge, just like pants.

My favorite kind of wild animal is on a plate.

I just wish once someone would call me "Sir" without adding, "You're making a scene."

Is the poop deck really what I think it is?

I have a great new motivation tecnique, it is donuts, and the possibility of more donuts.

If God didn't want me to eat chicken in church, then he would have made gluttony a sin.

I'm not a bath man myself. More of a cologne man.

Vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins and Eskimos.

How is education going to make me smarter?

Marge, every time I learn something new it pushes something old out of my brain. Remember that time I learned how to make wine and forgot how to drive?

How many pounds are in a gallon?

They didn't have any aspirin, so I got you some cigarettes.

I wish God were alive to see this.

When are people going to learn? Democracy doesn't work.

I've got to get out of this rut and back in the groove.

Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out.

If God didn't want us to eat animals, then why'd he make them so tasty?

Oh, spiteful one! Tell me who to smote and they shall be smotted.

Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is like another nail.

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

All these guys with six pack abs, and I'm the only one with a keg.

Marge, try to understand. There are two types of college students, jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.

Marge, it's uter-us not uter-you.

Marge your cooking only has two moves, Shake and Bake.

If the Bible has taught us anything—which it hasn't—it's that girls should stick to girl's sports like hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing and such and such.

My dreams have been shattered into shards of a broken dream.

We can hike anytime. This is our chance to see cars driving.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I can't take his money. I can't print my own money. You want me to work for money. Why don't I just lay down and die!

Cable. It's more wonderful than I dared hope.

Television. Teacher, mother, secret lover.

A woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good and you'd step over your own mother just to get one.

Damn you, Rock-em Sock-em Robots! Can't we all just get along?

I was working on a flat tax proposal and accidentally proved there was no God.

A gun is not a weapon, it's a tool, like a hammer or a screwdriver or an alligator.

I think I've figured this balloon thing out, Marge. It can go up and down, but not side to side or back in time.

Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.

American donuts. Glazed, powdered and raspberry-filled. Now how's that for freedom of choice?

Canada? Why would I want to leave America just to visit America, Jr.?

I never apologize, I'm sorry but that's the way I am.

I'd love to go to church, honey, but I've got a lot of work to do around the bed.

I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.

Porkchops and bacon, my two favorite animals.

But Dad, you're a very old man, and old people are useless.

He's trying to hypnotize me, and it's not in that good Las Vegas kind of way.

What's the point of having children if you can't buy their love?

It's like the story of David and Goliath, except this time David won.

It takes two to lie, Marge. One to lie and one to listen.

Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat. It also gives me the right, no, the duty, to make a complete ass of myself.

I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

That horse had better win, or else we're taking a trip to the glue factory. And he won't get to come.

Internet. They have that on computers now?

It takes two to lie, Marge. One to lie and one to listen.

You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.

Assaulting your family is one thing, but I will not stand idly by while you feed a hungry dog.

Just sit through this NRA meeting Marge, and if you still don't think guns are great then we'll argue some more.

[island_sands]

nice one miles.. could use some of those!