Jokes Thread!!!

[DeepThought]

Originally Posted by island_sands

NEW WORDS FROM 2005: (some new ones!) Essential additions to the workplace vocabulary:
words

It's sad because it's funny because it's true.

[bdurrett]

Originally Posted by island_sands

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Furthermore defined as the BIG mistake which was that you royally flamed someone to death, usually someone in management, in an e-mail and hit "Reply To All" instead of "Reply".... and the Flamee was on the Distribution List.....

[island_sands]

Originally Posted by bdurrett

Furthermore defined as the BIG mistake which was that you royally flamed someone to death, usually someone in management, in an e-mail and hit "Reply To All" instead of "Reply".... and the Flamee was on the Distribution List.....

ha yes!!!!! (guilty)

[omega3]

Four guys are having a drink one evening and when one goes to the loo he leaves the rest talking about their sons.

The first guy says...".My son ,I am so proud of him he studied hard at university , worked hard at his job and is now at the top of his career as a financial trader and is now very wealthy...why just the other day was his friends birthday and for a present he bought house in Beverly Hills."

2nd guy..."Well my son has worked hard and trained hard. He is a fighter pilot of renown and very wealthy and when his friend had a birthday he bought a Learjet."

3rd guy.... "I too am so proud of my son he also studied hard and put himself through university then worked very hard and is now a top construction engineer with many huge building contracts globally under his belt. When it was his friends birthday he bought a blue water ocean cruiser as a present."

Well by this time the fourth man had returned from the loo and was included back into the conversation.

1st man .... "We were just talking about our sons and how proud we are of them that they are so successful. How about your son???"

4th man...."my son is a stripper in a gay bar."

The other three men all shook their heads,sighed...."that is such a shame you must be very disappointed one of them said."

"no" said the fourth man "he is my son and I love him dearly, why just the other day it was his birthday and for presents he got a Learjet,house in Beverly Hills and ocean going cruiser from his lovers"




Duck walks into a bar and sits on a stool.

Asks the barman" got any bread?"

Barman...."no this is a bar"

duck ....."got any bread?"

Barman...."no. I told you already this is a bar do you want a drink?"

Duck ..."got any bread?"

Barman...." listen this is a bar, if you ask for bread again I`m gonna nail your f%%ing beak to the bar"

Duck..."got any nails??"

Barman..."no"

Duck....."got any bread?"

[Amet]

You'll find it funny (only if you have some accounting background/ concept)

I have a professional woman as my wife; a Chartered Accountant. She uses LIFO method while taking out the refrigerated food. She thinks I am no good with numbers. Fine with me,for now she handles the budget of the house. Initially she used to send me a bill at the month end, but when I told her that I am not her client but her husband, she asks for the money in advance. The expenses had been rising steadily over the months, so one day I snooped into the papers maintained in a current file.

No wonder! She was charging mileage and overtime to the house budget. She is crazy, I tell her but she corrects me. No honey, I am the auditor. I fail to see the light.

Every scrap of the paper in our house is filed. She tells me as per some Ordinance she must keep a copy of every thing for at least ten years before destroying it. I am worried.

The other day we had an hour-long fight. Later, I got to know that she had charged that hour to a client of hers, in the time sheet. My time was put down as unoccupied.

She says that she loves me and I tell her that I love her too. However, she never believes me. She says that there is susceptibility of it being a misstatement. Duh! She wants my representation on this!

Last year our house accounts got a qualified opinion I had not kept the supporting etc. of my purchases. Not a long time back my brother's wedding was to be solemnized. Wedding cards had been sent.

After some time I started receiving a steady trickle of letters. I was puzzled until my wife explained that external evidence was more reliable. She had called for confirmations from all those to whom cards were sent.

When she cooks: my wife at times does not go by recipe. Where the recipe says add half-teaspoon vinegar,one tsp black salt or one teacup of water, she ignores them. She says that they are not material when taken in context of whole meal being prepared.

She is crazy, I tell you. Surprisingly everybody calls her an auditor, instead. I checked the dictionary and it did not state that auditor is a synonym for crazy. The dictionary must be outdated.

When we got married, she had given me an Engagement Letter and I Had said how cute-how sweet. Now she gives it to me every year saying that her standards state that it must be sent anew if there is any indication that I have misunderstood the objective and scope of engagement. Huh!

Apart from sending me the engagement letter once again she says I can't get rid of her just like that. She says that she has the right of being heard before I appoint some one else.

Phew! For a minute, I thought that we had jeopardized our going concern status. Duh! Dare I say so??

I am told by one of my female colleagues who is married to a CA that the scenario is even worse when the guy is a CA. Apparently he capitalised the wedding expenses as preliminary expenses and is writing it off every year.Also the time he spent dating his wife before marrying her is still under consideration for valuation...valuation of intangible assets.

So guyz please think twice....should u really marry a CA? and yes please discount it by the appropriate rate to arrive at the present value of the risk of doing so !!!!!!!

[crusty]

FBI job opening

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists,two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. . Kill Her !!"
.
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take
your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL:
Women are evil.
Don't mess with them.



We all know that

Crusty

[deep thinker]

A husband and wife were travelling by car from Johannesburg to Cape Town. After a tiresome long distance of travelling, they were too tired to continue.
They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room and planned to sleep for four hours and get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk charged them R750.
The man exploded and demanded the reason for such a high price. The clerk told him R750 was the standard rate. The man asked to speak to the Manager.
The Manager listened to the man and explained the hotel had an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference center, and they featured spectacular shows available to the clients. "The best entertainers from Jo' burg, Cape Town, Durban perform here, " he explained.
No matter what facility the Manager mentioned, the man replied, "But we didn't use it!" "Well, it was here, so you could have" replied the manager. "But we didn't!!" exclaimed the now rather angry man.
The manager was unmoved, and finally the man gave up and agreed to pay.
He wrote a cheque and gave it to the manager. The manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But sir," he said," this cheque is made out for only R200!"
"That's right," said the man," I charged you R550 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaimed the manager. "Well," the man replied, "She was here, and you could have."

[shaneshac]

AWESOME

[deep thinker]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage
bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and

every once in a while a $20 bill is falling out of it onto the pavement.



Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills

falling out of that bag..."



"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can

still find some. Thanks for the warning!"



"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?

Did you steal it?"



Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to

the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot

of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and

stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone

sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"



"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,

what's in the other bag?"



"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up...."

[Freediver81]

Subject: Fw: Uses of Vaseline
>
>
> >
> >
> > Oh Dear!!
> >
> >
> > Subject: FW: Uses of Vaseline
> >
> >
> > Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one
day,
> > he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
> >
> > The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years
old.
> > It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
> >
> > He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such
great
> > condition for 10 years.
> >
> > "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the
bike
> > is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
> > protects it from the rain."
> >
> > And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
> >
> > That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
> > parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
> >
> > But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I
have
> > to tell you something about my family before we go in."
> >
> > "When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who
says
> > anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
> >
> > "No problem," he says. And in they go.
> >
> > Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a
huge
> > stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of
dishes.
> > Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty
> > dishes.
> >
> > They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
> >
> > As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the
situation.
> >
> > So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
> >
> > No one says a word.
> >
> > So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
> >
> > Still, nobody says a word.
> >
> > So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
> > table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
> >
> > His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid,
and
> > her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
> >
> > He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he
grabs
> > the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her
every
> > which way right there on the dinner table.
> >
> > Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still,
total
> > silence.
> >
> > All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to
rain.
> >
> > Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his
pocket.
> >
> > Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All
right,
> > thats enough, I'll do the f**king dishes!"

[Freediver81]

Brooklyn Tony
>>
>>The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a
>>fence
>>and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls
>>
>>on Brooklyn Tony.
>>
>>
>> He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first
>>gunshot."
>>
>>
>>The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
>>thinking."
>>
>>
>> Then Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3
>>women
>>sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately
>>licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is
>>gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off
>>the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
>>
>>
>>The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the
>>one
>>that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
>>
>>
>>To which Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one
>>with
>>the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Brooklyn Tony ON MATH
>>
>>
>> Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in
>>arithmetic.
>>
>>
>> "Why?" asks the father.
>>
>>
>>teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY.
>>
>>
>> "But that's right!" says his dad.
>>
>>
>>
>> "Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
>>
>>
>> "What's the fucking difference ?" asks the father.
>>
>>
>>
>> "That's what I said!"
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Brooklyn Tony ON ENGLISH
>>
>>
>>Brooklyn Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are
>>going
>>to learn multi-syllable words, class.
>>
>>Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
>>
>>
>>TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
>>
>>
>>Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Brooklyn Tony, that's a
>>mouthful."
>>
>>
>>Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR
>>
>>
>>Brooklyn Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he
>>needed
>>to go to the bathroom.
>>
>>He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!"
>>
>>
>>
>>The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use
>>in
>>this situation.
>>
>>The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the
>>word
>>'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you
>>to go."
>>
>>
>>Brooklyn Tony, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight,
>>but
>>ifyou had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR
>>
>>
>>One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
>>show of hands from those who could
>>
>>use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
>>
>>
>> First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
>>bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
>>
>>
>>"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
>>Michael.
>>
>>
>>"My mommy planned a beautiful ban quet and it turned out
>>beautifully."
>>
>>
>>She said, "Excellent, Michael!"
>>
>>
>>Then the teacher reluctantly called on Brooklyn Tony.
>>
>>
>> "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that
>>she was
>>pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER
>>
>>
>>Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
>>after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him
>>said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It
>>will
>>give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
>>
>>
>>Brooklyn Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107
>>years
>>old."
>>
>>
>>The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
>>
>>
>> Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."

[matrixed82]

Originally Posted by miles

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
>>** You make the bed .............................................+1
>>** You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
>>** You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1
>>** You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5
>>** You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0
>>** When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
>>** When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2
>>** You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
>>** in the snow.............................................. .....+8
>>** but return with beer..........................................-5
>>** and no liners............................................ ....-25
>>** You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0
>>** You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0
>>** You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5
>>** You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
>>** It's her cat............................................... ..-40

>>** AT THE PARTY
>>** You stay by her side the entire party............ 0
>>** You stay by her side for a while, then
>>** leave to chat with a College drinking buddy......-2
>>** Named Tiffany....................................-4
>>** Tiffany is a dancer..............................-10
>>** With breast implants.............................-18

>>** HER BIRTHDAY
>>** You remember her birthday................................0
>>** You buy a card and flowers...............................0
>>** You take her out to dinner.............................. 0
>>** You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
>>** Okay, it is a sports bar................................-2
>>** And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3
>>** It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your
>>** face is painted the colors of your favorite team........-10

>>** A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
>>** Go with a pal.......................................0
>>** The pal is happily married..........................+1
>>** The pal is single...................................-7
>>** He drives a Ferrari.................................-10
>>** With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15

>>** A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
>>** You take her to a movie...............+2
>>** You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
>>** You take her to a movie you hate......+6
>>** You take her to a movie you like......-2
>>** It's called Death Cop 3...............-3
>>** Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9
>>** You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

>>** YOUR PHYSIQUE
>>** You develop a noticeable pot belly................-15
>>** You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...+10
>>** You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose
>>** jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...........................-30
>>** You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".................-800

>>** THE BIG QUESTION
>>** She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
>>** You hesitate in responding......................-10
>>** You reply, "Where?".............................-35
>>** You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".........-100
>>** Any other response..............................-20

>>** COMMUNICATION
>>** When she wants to talk about a problem:
>>** You listen, displaying a concerned expression....................0
>>** You listen, for over 30 minutes..................................+5
>>** You relate to her problem and share a similar experience........+50
>>** You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well,
>>** what do you think I should do"...........................-50
>>** You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+100
>>** She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep............-200

I have an addition to this old post.

DAY AT THE BEACH
Suggesting to spend the day at the beach when you have a day off together .....0
Making the lunch .................+10
Brining along your fins, wetsuit and mask........-1
By coincidence your dive buddy is also at that same beach and happens to have his fins, wetsuit and mask.........-5
Staying out in the middle of the lake for 3 hours..........-50
Staying out there for another 3 hours after it starts raining.......-500

[Groupermadness]

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds
like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true. John Bradford, a Sydney University
student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very
dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no
car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet
ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and
stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got
in the car and closed the door, just to realize there was nobody behind
the wheel and the engine wasn't on!



The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve
approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then,
just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and
turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand
appeared every time they came to a curve. John saw the lights of a pub
down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to
it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of
tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience
he went through.



A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying
and....wasn't drunk.



About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were
also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford
sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce.. here's the
f***+ng idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

[crusty]

Madness

You have to be faster then that, I posted that one about 4 weeks ago



Crusty

[Poida]

I don't think yours happened in Brisbane.