Jokes Thread!!!

[Groupermadness]

Oh No, not again .
Crusty, I promise i will not take any credit or blame for that joke, i realy must start reading the older ones .

Some new ones , I hope.



Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas.

A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.

They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.

Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."

Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."

Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't remember your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
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A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if she can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right," she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, it look like we got first and second place."

[Groupermadness]

and couple more.

A couple had been married for many years, and their son had gotten old enough to date. One day the boy brought a girl over to dinner. The mother was thrilled with her son's choice and couldn't wait for the wedding. However, the father was upset and, eventually, the boy asked, “Dad, why don't you seem happy with her. Mom likes her a lot.”

The father explained, “No son, there's nothing wrong with the girl. It's just that I cheated on your mother a long time ago, and the girl you've been dating is my daughter by that woman.”

So the boy dumped her and found himself another girl. Again, he brought her home to the mother's delight, but the father again told him this girl was actually his half-sister. The boy lost his temper and told his mother what his father had said.

Furious, the mother shouted, “Don't listen to him, sweetheart! He isn't even your father!”
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A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he'd be able to get home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, even offering his credit card numbers, drivers license number, address, and so forth, but to no avail. The cabbie yelled, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to catch a ride back to the airport.

Naturally, sitting at the end of a long line of cabs was his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the driver pay for his lack of charity, when he came up with the perfect plan.

He got in the first cab in line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he finally got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied, "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

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A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden asked.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"OK. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious, now. The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited. After a several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, What?" the man responded. "When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" The man asked.

"The fish." replied the warden.

"What fish?" The man asked.

[island_sands]

Top 10 Reasons why some Men prefer Guns over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a backup.

#6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A handgun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason why a handgun is preferred over a woman.


#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.

[Groupermadness]

Sorry couldnt resist another one .

A man went into a bar and said to the barman

"Pint of best please",

The barman said "That'll be 5 pence please"

The man was amazed at the cheapness and asked for the menu. He selected T-bone steak and chips,

The bar man said "That'll be 25 pence"

"Thats fantastic!" said the man, "Can I speak to the owner, I'd like to congratulate him on his prices!"

"No", the barman replied, "He's upstairs with my wife"

"Whats he doing with your wife?" asked the man.

The barman replied "The same as I am doing with his business down here!"

[island_sands]

Originally Posted by Groupermadness

Sorry couldnt resist another one .

A man went into a bar and said to the barman

"Pint of best please",

The barman said "That'll be 5 pence please"

The man was amazed at the cheapness and asked for the menu. He selected T-bone steak and chips,

The bar man said "That'll be 25 pence"

"Thats fantastic!" said the man, "Can I speak to the owner, I'd like to congratulate him on his prices!"

"No", the barman replied, "He's upstairs with my wife"

"Whats he doing with your wife?" asked the man.

The barman replied "The same as I am doing with his business down here!"

[island_sands]

5 Important lessons in life

Lesson no 1:

A man walks into the shower right as his wife leaves it - the doorbell rings. The wife wraps a towel around her and walks downstairs to open the door. She opens the door and outside is their neighbour Bob, before she gets to say anything Bob says "I'll give you $200 if you will take off the towel" For a moment she was thinking but decides to take it off so she stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds Bob gives her $200 and walks away. The wife put on the towel again and walks upstairs. When she enters the bathroom again her husband asks "Who was it?" "Bob" she answers "Perfect" says the husband "did he mention anything about the $200 he owes me?"

Morale: If you share important information about any out standings and risks with the shareholders, you might avoid unnecessary revelations.

Lesson 2:

A priest offers a lift to a nun. She gets in and crosses her legs so she is showing part of her thigh. The priest almost losses control of the car but after gaining control of the car he slowly let his hand slide up her thigh. "Father, remember hymn 129". The priest removes his hand but after shifting gear he let slide up her thighs again. "Remember hymn 129" says the nun again. The priest is apologizing "Sorry Sister, but the flesh is weak" When they reach the Monastery the nun walks away. When the priest arrives at the Church he hurries in and looks up hymn 129. It says "Move ahead and seek higher up - and you shall find heaven"

Morale: If you don't keep yourself well informed in your job, you might miss out on great opportunities.

Lesson 3:

Two system developers and a project manager is on their way too lunch when they discover an antic oil lamp. They rub on it and out come a genie. "I'll grant each of you a wish" the genie says. "Me first, me first" says one of the system developers. "I want to go to Bahamas, sail around in a speedboat and not have to think of any of the problems in life" - POOF and he was gone. "Me now, me now" said the other system developer. "I want to go to Hawaii - relax on the beach with my personal masseuse and an endless amount of Pina Coladas - and the love of my life" - POOF and he too was gone. "Okay, now it's you" the genie says to the project manager. "I want them both back in the office right after lunch" he says.

Morale: Always let the manager speak first.

Lesson 4:

A crow sits up in a tree and was doing nothing the whole day long. A rabbit comes by and ask "can I also sit like you and do nothing the whole day?" "Yea why not?" the crow answers. The rabbit sits on the ground below the crow to start relaxing. Suddenly a fox comes and eats the rabbit.

Morale: To sit and do nothing the whole day, you have to be pretty high up.

Lesson 5:

A turkey was talking to a bull. "I really wish I could get up there high up in the trees" the turkey sobbed "but I don't have the energy for it" "Why don't you eat some of my droppings" the bull answered "they are full of energy". The turkey eats a little of the bulls droppings and discovered he gains power enough to reach the lowest branch. The following day the turkey eats some more of the bull's droppings and reached the next branch. Finally after fourteen days the turkey was proud sitting up in the top of the tree. It wasn't long before it was discovered by the farmer and he immediately shot the turkey so it fell to the ground.

Morale: "Bullshit" might get you to the top but it's not going to keep you up there.

[Freediver81]

THIS IS HILARIOUS!
DO NOT SAVE - PASS ON

A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is

about to shoot when he

hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't

see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to

prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the

cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the

man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The

man is befuddled and doesn't know

what to say. By the end

of the day, the man golfed the

best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.

" They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man

asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."


Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man

figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss

Me." He figures why not,

since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,

your honor, is how the girl

ended up in my room. So help me God



or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

[Bill]

with apologies to anyone not familiar with US merchandise or the English language.....

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

1 millionth mouthwash: 1 microScope

Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach Turtle

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less
filling: 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Sterling

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 megahurts

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarse power

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:
bananosecond

10 cards: 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

500 millinaries: 1 seminary

2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbirds

1/2 lavatory: 1 demijohn

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

1 million billion piccolos: 1 gigolo

100 rations: 1 C-ration

10 millipedes: 1 centipede

3 1/3 tridents: 1 decadent

8 nickels: 2 paradigms

Aloha
Bill

[crusty]

I posted this one about a year ago, so i hope it has been forgotten and i can post it again, its one of my favorites and worth it.

There was a man and women who were desperate to have children, but due to a medical problem they coundnt.
They tried everything and just could conceive, as a last ditch effort the went to a witch doctor.

He had a look up there to see what the problem was and came to the conclusion that there was nothing for the egg and the sperm to grab onto.
He then said the best thing to do was to put 3 ball bearings up there and that should do it.
The couple were desperate so they agreed.

They then went home a had a few shags ( as you do ) and the wife became pregnant.

Nine months later the had three healthy young boys.

About 13 years later Mum was out the back hanging up the washing and the First little boy named Poida came up and said
'' Mum Mum Mum guess what i was having a wee and a ballbearing came out''
The mum then remembered the Witch doctor and took young Poida and and told him what happened.

The next day she was mowing the lawn ( shes a good wife) and the next little boy named Jim came up and said
'' Mum Mum Mum guess what i was having a wee and a ballbearing came out''
Mum then took little Jim inside and told him what happened.

The next day Mum was Cleaning the Boat ( well she eats the fish )
and little Sinky came up and said,
''Mum Mum Mum guess what''
Mum said '' I know you were having a wee and a ball bearing came out''
Sinky Said "" No Mum i was having a wank and shot the Cat''

Crusty

[Poida]

Aw sh*t Crusty
I wannad to be the wanker.

[omega3]

Ist class page of jokes. All of them.
But when I got to "had a wank and shot the cat" ....why??? its not that funny ...surely.

[island_sands]

Originally Posted by Freediver81

THIS IS HILARIOUS!
DO NOT SAVE - PASS ON

sounds like Monopoly.

[Poida]

You're right Omega3.
If he had said he'd shot the dog, that would have been much funnier.

[deep thinker]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind
him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies,
"there's a diagnostic computer down at Woolworth's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to
do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs R20.00 - a lot quicker and
cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woolies.
He deposits R20.00, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds
later, the computer ejects a printout :

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Woolies."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to
Woolies, eager to check the results. He deposits R20.00, pours in
his concoction and waits for the results.

The computer prints out the following :
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. (1stFloor)
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping @ Woolies.