Jokes Thread!!!

[deep thinker]

Sorry guys but i think this is classic and couldnt resist to post
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, "Hey you!" The Monkey looks down and says, "Faaaaaaak ...... Dude ..... How much water did you drink?!"

[Absolute]

I love that joke

[Poida]

oferdegi, comes up as an invalid attachment.

[oferdegi]

Sh@%#!
I'll delete and try uploading again, sorry for this!
Thanks, Poida, for letting me know.
Ofer

[oferdegi]

As I said before, on the off chance that this was never posted here:
pro.zip
Hope we get lucky with the attachment this time (works for me - just tried it).
Ofer

[mishu1984]

LOOOOOL hahahhaha

[Freediver81]

A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg.

His friend says, "My feet are cold mate. Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please mate." The guy goes upstairs, and there are his mate's gorgeous twin 18 year old daughters.

"Hi, girls, your dad sent me up here to shag you."

The first daughter says, "That's not true."

He says, "I'll prove it."

He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"

His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them."

[jimdoe2you]

One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, drops anchor and begins to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat, he pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, ma'am, what are you doing?"



"Reading a book," she replies.



"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.



"I'm sorry Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."



"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."



"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," say's the woman.



"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.



"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."



"Have a nice day, ma'am," he said, and left.

[sinkweight]

Well, put. Nice joke.

Please ignore this very sentence. Due to the forum's inability to submit less than umpteen characters, I'd thought I'd take the opportunity to steal yet another undeserved, precious moment of whatever amount of time you have to subsist among this precious semi-cooled, seemingly munificent rock in the unfathomable void of time and space. Sorry. Ignore that very last sentence. No, not the "Sorry" bit. The part before the "Sorry". Further. Ignore the depressing bit about the unfathomable void and the like. Look. Ignore everything up until now. No. Ignore everything I say from here on in. Augh! There I go again. Are you still reading this? No, please. Turn away, this is all just wasted time you could be diving...or going out and getting pissed with a friend that your loved one doesn't particularly approve of. Maybe sing Karaoke or something. What song? Oh. I dunno. OOOOoohh. Islands in the Stream....Oh, you know the words....c'mon....Islands in the Stream...Doh! You so know you know it! It's ok. I'll be Dolly Parton. I've been practicing it in the shower when the guy in the next apartment leaves early for work. I think his bedroom is next to my friggin' toilet. Man. I'd hate to be him. I can't tell you how many times I've come back home during Vindaloo-related emergencies and really let it...Um...look let's just forget this little post ever happened. Well, not that it's little. Ok. I'm stopping. Now.

Wait..now. Ok. Now.

[crusty]

Hey Sinky

you have to lay off the Speed balls for a while all that Crack is starting to do your head in or have you just skulled a Carton of Red Bulls


Crusty

[Groupermadness]

Two Irish fellas walking down a road when one shouts to the other....

"Hey, Shamus, would you come here for a second..."

"What is it Michael", the other replies

"There is a head stone of a man who lived until he was 172!!"

"Bejesus" said shamus "What was his name"

"MILES FROM LONDON"

[jimdoe2you]

..................and just where is this parking lot???

Only for the reason that I have some old wallets that I want to get rid of.

[Spaniard]

I'm in it now....waiting, waiting..............

[calicojack]

First Graders Know…


A teacher asked her first graders to finish some
fairly well-known proverbs, she provide the first
half of a well-known proverb and asked them to
come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's
hard to believe these were actually done by first
graders. Their insight may surprise you!


1. Don't change horses.........until they stop running.
2. Strike while the.................................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before......Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of..............termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but................how?
6. Don't bite the hand that.......................looks dirty.
7. No news is..........................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a..........................Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new............math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll....stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust.........................me.
12. The pen is mightier than the..............pigs.
13. An idle mind is..............the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's.............pollution.
15. Happy the bride who...........gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is..................not much.
17. Two's company, three's............. the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what......you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and........
you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as.............Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not.....spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed........get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you.......
see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind.................get out of the way.

The WINNER and last one!


25. Better late than............................................pr egnant.

[Freediver81]

The Gay Cowboy

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"