Jokes Thread!!!

[island_sands]

Originally Posted by Freediver81

May I sit with you in the front seat???

Said

Spaniard????
what do you say about this

[Spaniard]

I have had a lot of interest in this scam from many forum members (ooh err missus) all male. I can only say that when the minxes re-appear I shall let everyone know

[Poida]

Spaniard, do they take IOUs?

[Freediver81]

Just a short joke to keep you smiling....


An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?
The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?" "No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!

[Freediver81]

Here's an email that I received from an OZ friend!



In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy

matches, going to the beach and BBQ's.

He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On theSecond Day, God created water - for surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the

beach, and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.


On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops,

sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach,

drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.



On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed

someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the

barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good

Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked> around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes.

He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ... well

.. almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.

So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, To cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.



It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!

[SurfnSpear]

How to get hot water!

[Donna]

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.

He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name’s Puddles."

[island_sands]

Originally Posted by Donna

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name’s Puddles."

[Groupermadness]

A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the English
Channel Breast Stroke Competition.

The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there
was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by
causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing
hope, the blonde finally arrived.

The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They
embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the
excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered,
"I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used
their arms."

[Groupermadness]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."

[Freediver81]

SENIOR PEANUTS

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors
down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder
by a little old lady. She offers him a hand full
of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his
shoulder again and she hands him another handful of
peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why
they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon
she replies that it is not possible
because of their old teeth, they are not able to
chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just love the
chocolate around them."

[crusty]

I am a senior citizen.


During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job.


I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes.


Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse.


I lost my job.


I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.


I lost my homes.


I lost my health insurance.


As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.


Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.


I will do anything that Senator Kerry and Senator Kennedy want to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year.


Bush has to go.


Sincerely,


Saddam Hussein

[deep thinker]

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said:
Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a
spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into
the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and
setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where
you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and
forever feel grateful and happy doing so. That night, as the princess dined
sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white
wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:

"I don't f#$@ing think so."

[Freediver81]

THE NURSING HOME POLICE

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the men actually joined in.



One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when Fast Eddie outstretched his hand. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP!" "Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him. Harold nodded, and said "Carry on, ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection. "Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "Not the Breathalyser again!"

[Poida]

Sorry about this:

Did you hear about the,

Homosexual astranaut that came out of orbit and in to 'erbert.
Homosexual spider that was found playing with it's mates fly.
The little boy who wanted a watch for his birthday, so his Mum and Dad let him.
The architect that had his house made backwards.
Not to be confused with the hotel manager that had his bar made backwards.
The ram that drove over the cliff 'cos he didn't see the U turn.
The Gynacologist who decorated his hallway through the keyhole in his front door.
Can't think of anymore, which is good!