Jokes Thread!!!

[Poida]

The cemetry was situated at the top of a hill just outside of town. As the pall bearers were carrying the coffin to the grave one of them slipped making the rest of them lose their grip and the coffin hit the ground and started to slide down the hill towards the town.

By the time it had reached town it was going so fast that it slid right down the main street and crashed through the frony door of a chemist shop.

The coffin slammed into the counter and as it did the lid flew open, the corpse sat up and said, "Got anything to stop my coffin?"

[Poida]

sorry mate... deleted it after a bit of thought. especially with what's going on at the moment.
Cheers
IG

[mishu1984]

dude, that joke isnt funny, and its offensive to some ppl in this audience...

[crusty]

Hang on

The joke 3 back about Homosexuals wasnt offensive but a joke on Religion and Government was.

There are lots of jokes on this thread that could offend heaps of people so please lets not go there.


Crusty

Lucky im Aussi and Nothing offends me, well apart from those dam whale jokes

[Poida]

Mishu
Sorry if I offended you or anybody else.
I was poking fun at George Bush unless you didn't understand it.

May I in all respect ask what you found offensive?

[deep thinker]

ITALIAN BOY CONFESSION

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.

The priest asked, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?

Yes, Father it is.

And who was the woman you were with?

I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.

Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?

I cannot say.

Was it Teresa Volpe?

I'll never tell.

Was it Nina Capeli?

I'm sorry but I cannot name her.

Was it Cathy Piriano?

My lips are sealed.

Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?

Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, What'd you get? Four months vacation and five good leads

[Akoni]

A man is enjoying a beer at his local pub after work. Then a hot girl enters the pub, she's so attractive that the man can't keep his eyes off her. The girl notices the man's staring and walks to him. The man is startled and wants to appologise for his behavior, but before he can appologise, the girl says: "I'm willing to do anything for you, even the dirtiest things, for a 100 euros. But there's one condition." In disbelief the man asks what the condition is. The girl says: "You have to tell me in exactly three words what you want me to do." The man thinks about this for a while, gets his wallet out of his pocket, gets out 5 20 euro notes and puts the notes in the girl's hand.
He looks her in the eyes and says: "Paint my house.."

[Freediver81]

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy.


Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.


She then sent it to a radio station in Ft.Wayne, Indiana, who was
sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been
feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my
dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore
you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea I wear a
suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water
is quite cool... So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a
diesel
powered industrial 'water heater'; this $20,000 piece of
equipment sucks water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful
temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a hose, which is taped to
the
air
hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several
times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take
the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods
my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to
itch.
So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose
out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized
what had happened. The machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped
it
into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the
jellyfish
couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as
fortunate.


When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually
grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass. I informed the
dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he,
along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make
three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling
thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my
chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was
wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water,
the
medic, with
tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream
and
told me to rub it on my ass as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days
because my ass was swollen shut.


Love Rob

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how
much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job!"

[matrixed82]

Originally Posted by Freediver81

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how
much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

This is a great story to start off the day given that I'm bored at work right now.

[Akoni]

ouch, he must've had pain in the stomach after a few days of not pooping :P

[glowworm]

It will be hard for me to have a bad day at the office ever again after reading that......also a clear understanding of the phrase" pain in the arse " when talking about someone at work

[sickbugs]

i shall never complain while working again !

[iceselkie]

omg ...sending this to my commercial diving buddy.. maybe i can get some stories in exchange

[cdavis]

One of the best belly laughs I've had in a long time. Thank you Freediver81.

[SurfnSpear]

Language course commercial... maritime themed..

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-607732644...