Jokes Thread!!!

[DeepThought]

[deep thinker]

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs anddrinks, one of them had to go to the rest room. The ones who stayed behindbegan to talk about their kids and their successes.
The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy.He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of thebarrel.He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted andbegan to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now heis the President of the company. He became so rich that he gave his bestfriend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.
The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my pride andjoy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travelling Agency foravery big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and alsomanageto become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of theassets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet forhis birthday.
The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also mypride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universitiesand became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and becamevery successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing verynice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000sqft mansion specially for his friend.
The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes oftheirs sons.
The forth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked:What's going on, what are all the congratulations for?
One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for thesuccesses of our sons. And then he asked, What about your son?
The forth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as astripper at a nightclub. The three friends said: What a shame that must be,that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.
The forth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and Ilove him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is very lucky too.Didyou know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received abeautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the lineMercedes Benz from his three boyfriends.

[Rockbrother]

One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "what it
means to be British?". Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one
from a chap in Switzerland ..

"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish
kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a
Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all?
"Suspicion of anything foreign ".

[SEDATE]

Originally Posted by DeepThought

i ll try dude, really good idea!

[Bill]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" They draw straws.

Peter Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Peter goes to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Peter declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Peter .....

Aloha
Bill

[Freediver81]

The Hypnotist



It was entertainment night at the Senior Centre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces............"SH*T!" said the Hypnotist...


It took three days to clean up the Senior Centre.

[crusty]

PERFECT BREASTS A guy walking down the street sees a woman with
>> >>perfect
>> >>breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your
>> >>breasts for
>> >>$100 dollars? "Are you nuts?!!" she replies, and keeps walking
>> >>away. He
>> >>turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before
>> >>she does.
>> >>"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks
>> >>again.
>> >>"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs
>> >>around the
>> >>next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your
> breasts
>> >>just
>> >>once for $10,000 dollars?" She thinks about it for a while and
>> >>says, "Hmmm,
>> >>$10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that
>> >>dark
>> >>alley over there." So they go into the alley, where she takes off
>> >>her blouse
>> >>to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he
> sees
>> >>them, he
>> >>grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly,
> kissing
>> >>them,
>> >>licking them, burying his face in them,....................... but
>> >>not
>> >>biting them. The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are
>> >>you gonna
>> >>bite them or not?" "Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..."
>>
>>

[deep thinker]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg,
So he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days
later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head and with your Wooden leg you will be just
right as a Pirate.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized
his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a
monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald
head you will really look the part.
The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from
emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden
Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and Go as a
toffee apple.................

[Skywalker]

A lion a bear and a chicken meet.

Bear: When I roar loud the whole forrest is afraid of me
Lion: When I roar loud the whole dessert is afraid of me
Chicken: When I cough and sneeze the whole world is afraid of me

[jimdoe2you]

Nice Jacket: $150
Dinner and Dancing: $125
Professional Photo: $15

Looking at the photo later and realizing your date was poking you in the kidney with her stiff penis:

PRICELESS

[Groupermadness]

Little Johnny was at Sunday school one day, and the nun that was teaching him asked the class, which part of your body do you think reaches heaven first? A girl named Sally answered with ?I think the hands are the first part of your body that reaches heaven because God will pull you up by your hands because you pray with them everyday?. That?s an excellent answer Sally replied the nun. ?I think your legs go first!? said Little Johnny, the nun, confused asks ?why do you think that?? and Little Johnny says, ?because the other day I walked into my mums room, she had her legs in the air and she was screaming "Oh God I?m coming!" if it hadn?t been for the milkman holding her down, we would?ve lost her?.
The nun fainted...

[Freediver81]

Thats an Aussie for you!


"Hello, is this the police?"
"Yes it is. How can we help you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza.
He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call."
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave.

The phone rings at Wazza's house. "Hey,Wazz, Did the
cops come?"
"Yeah!"

"Did they chop up your firewood?"
"yep."

Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate"

[SurfnSpear]

"Due to Cost Cutting... the light at the end of the tunnel
will be turned off until further notice."

[Freediver81]

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighbourhood on his
usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that
both cars were in the driveway.



His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with
a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.



"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last
night," the mailman comments.



Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday
morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the
neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild.
Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing
WHO AM I."



The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"



Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a
time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing
through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it
is."



The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."



"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came
up four or five times."

[foxfish]

The good ship Venus is on her maiden voyage sailing from England to Australia. The crew of 100 men & a dog are destined for a looong trip! At first things are good, however as the weeks go by, inevitabley sexual frustration takes a hold of the crew. It appears to the captain, the only contented soul is Tom the cabin boy. With fear of mutiny the captain interrogates Tom with the intention of discovering how Tom is satisfying his natural desires. Tom confesses that he has found a empty apple barrel which has a knot missing at about waist height. The captain dismisses Tom & forbids any more frolics with the barrel. However, as more weeks pass it becomes evident mutiny is a possibility if the crew are not soon to be satisfied. The captain makes a decision to announce to all aboard the presence of the barrel. Soon the 199 men & a dog are queuing up to take their revenge out on the barrel. No sooner have they finished, the boat hits a rock, sinks & all aboard perish. 2 days later the said barrel is washed ashore on a small Island solely occupied by nuns. As soon as the nuns open the barrel they assume the contents to be candle wax!
9 months later Mother Superior is confronted by an excited nun exclaiming all the nuns were having babies! Mother Superior shouts "I have my own problems I have alredy passed 2 puppies"