Jokes Thread!!!

[crusty]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the
hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on
his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like
to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And,
lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home
and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."


Crusty

[kmo]

A BLONDE JOKE.
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to
the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff---grass. Yet the deer
excretes little pellets, the cow
turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop.

Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest
idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde,
"How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you
don't know sh*t?"

[DeepThought]

Originally Posted by johnny

This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

But telling this joke to a woman and the response will probably be "but that's not necessarily a bad thing."

[BatRay]

Or "not that there's anything wrong with that" .

[Donna]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury
or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head
and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your
other hand."

[Freediver81]

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while
they
>> were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped
into
>> the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly
>> jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
>>
>> When the medical director got aware of Mary's heroic act he
immediately
>> ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered
her
>> to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said,
"Mary,

>> I have a good news and a bad news. The good news is that you're
being
>> discharged since you were able to jump in and save the life of
another
>> patient; I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is that
Jim,
>> the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the
>> bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
>>
>> Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry!!!!

[johnny]

a BIG BEAR walks into a bar...

goes up to the bar man and says " ggrr can i have a....................beer please "

bar man says " no problem, why the big pause "

[johnny]

what do you call an Italian with a rubber toe :

roberto

[johnny]

what do you call a french shoe maker :

phillpe flop

[Groupermadness]

BAD DAY AT THE OFFICE


If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!
Next time you have a bad day at work ... think of this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs
underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below s an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station
103.2 on FM dial in Ft.Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job
experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

"Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last
week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at
work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you
realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me,
I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know,
my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's
a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to
keep warm is this. We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This
$20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a
delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a
garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do when I
get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down
the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's
like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to
itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my
back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to
it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched
what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the
crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the
communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he,
along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to
yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
So, whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad
day?

[Freediver81]

Sorry Peter but it seems you haven't been reeding my posts on the Beach Bar!!!

Said

[budokaiboy]

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "Sorry, but we don't serve food here".

[Bill]

A guy from New York with a parrot on his shoulder walked into a bar in Miami and sat on a stool.
Bartender comes over and says "He's cute, where did you get him".
Parrot says "New York City, there must be a million of them.

[BatRay]

Originally Posted by Freediver81

Sorry Peter but it seems you haven't been reeding my posts on the Beach Bar!!!

Said

Perhaps, but you haven't been reading old threads that story was posted awhile back. No big deal, it's still just as funny.

[island_sands]

Originally Posted by johnny

what do you call an Italian with a rubber toe :

roberto

f- that's awful