Jokes Thread!!!

[Garota]

Originally Posted by Freediver81

Sorry Peter but it seems you haven't been reeding my posts on the Beach Bar!!!

Said

Well if you kept your joke posts in the jokes thread then peter wouldnt steal your thunder

[Freediver81]

Speeding

A middle aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro.He took off down
the road, pushed it up to 130 kph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.
But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he
floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 kphto
escape being stopped. Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too
old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaroand walked up on the
driver's side.

"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th.

If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've
never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife
ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

[SurfnSpear]

Originally Posted by Freediver81

Sorry Peter but it seems you haven't been reeding my posts on the Beach Bar!!!

Said

So you're a lawyer hey? Jokes Thread....October 30th 2005 you had this quote under your signature while pompously informing someone of your prowess in posting a joke before they did.....
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. -- Mark Twain
And in that context, I can see now why you changed it.

However, just as well you did not use the quote below either, it too would have conflicted in that context....
It is amazing what can be accomplished when nobody cares about who gets the credit. - Robert Yates

[Freediver81]

The whole remark was a joke, but it appears you weren't "sharp" enough to realise that!

Originally Posted by SurfnSpear

So you're a lawyer hey? Jokes Thread....October 30th 2005 you had this quote under your signature while pompously informing someone of your prowess in posting a joke before they did.....
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. -- Mark Twain
And in that context, I can see now why you changed it.

However, just as well you did not use the quote below either, it too would have conflicted in that context....
It is amazing what can be accomplished when nobody cares about who gets the credit. - Robert Yates

[BatRay]

After all, it is the jokes thread.

[Pastor]

How I laughed! I near pee'd my pants (nudge nudge, wink wink)

[SurfnSpear]

Sharp!
Here's a 'sharp' spade for you....keep digging.

Nice Frappr by the way.

[deep thinker]

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal
lovers and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman's husband
unexpectedly comes home. She hides her lover in the cupboard, not
realizing that her little boy is in there already.
The little boy says: "Dark in here."
The man says: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a soccerball, do you want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!"
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "R250-00."
A few weeks later it happened again and the boy and the lover were in the
cupboard together again.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have soccer boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy: "How much?"
The boy says:"R750-00."
The secret lover says: "Fine, I will buy them."
A few days later, the father says to the boy: "Grab your ball and boots
let's go outside and have a game."
The boy says: "I can't, I sold them for R1000."
The father says: "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that..... R1000 is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to
take you to church and make you confess your sins."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says: "Dark in here."
The priest says: "Don't start that sh%t again!"

[island_sands]

Originally Posted by SurfnSpear

Sharp!
Here's a 'sharp' spade for you....keep digging.

Nice Frappr by the way.

what about this one.

HAVE SOME VIAGRA EYEDROPS!

so you can take a long hard look at yourself

[Freediver81]

Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

[SurfnSpear]

Viagra! Howz this one..

[deep thinker]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good!" she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.

[Freediver81]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked,"Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Donna]

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from
each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her
closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about..

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one
day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not
recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be
married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage
was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should
just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times
in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

[aesop]

THIS is the funniest joke I've ever seen! This is a pissette, or piss kit. You have it installed on your wetsuit so you don't have to take your whole suit off to piss. For those of you who have never seen this you'll be laughing your ars off. For those of you who have seen are probably gonna think I'm an ass. For those of you who where one, tell us PLEASE! Was it worth it to have everybody on the beach think you're a porn freak!?
My questions are,

Is my girlfriend gonna ask me if it vibrates?
Do they make different sizes? Cause I need a smaller one!
Do you have to have "morning wood" to pee out of it?
Is my girlfriend gonna make me to where it to bed?
Do you keep IT inside of "it" all the time?
Are little kids gonna ask me what it's for? Am I gonna get confused and tell them it's for making babies and making Mommy feel good?


Chris