Jokes Thread!!!

[Groupermadness]

Steve had suffered from blinding headaches for many years, since his late teens. He decided to try one last time to remedy his situation, and went to see a headache specialist.

The doctor said, "Good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have
a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Steve was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate enough to
answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning
and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need a new suit." Steve entered
the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."

Steve' laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Steve tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Steve admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How
about a new shirt?"

Steve thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Steve and said, "Let's see .. 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck."

Steve was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Steve tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Steve adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Steve was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Steve's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E."

Steve was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Steve tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. As Steve walked comfortably around the shop the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Steve thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Steve's waist and said, "Let's see size 36."

Steve laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32. A 32 underwear would press your testicles up against the
base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[deep thinker]

A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part
of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing.
"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for
something to eat, but please.. don't eat any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and
I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has
disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The
cannibals all shook their heads "No".

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the
others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued.
"For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything.
But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does
something!!!"

[island_sands]

Women explained.

[Groupermadness]

George Bush Debriefing Mss Rice after a Trip to China


George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars.

[SurfnSpear]

Some of these pics have probably been posted but they are funny...

[deep thinker]

Mrs Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up
with Father Rafferty.
The Father said, "Top o' the morning' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs Donovan and
didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a
candle for ye and yer husband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye Father."
They parted ways and some years later they met again.
The Father asked, "Well now Mrs Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well Father."
The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes Father, three sets of twins and four singles, 10 in all."
The Father said, "Glory be! That's wonderful! How is ye loving husband doing?"
She replied, "He's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."

[deep thinker]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around,looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
"Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, ! "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses."
"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."

[Groupermadness]

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic
name. For example the trade name for Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Aleve is
known as Naproxen, and Advil is Ibuprofen.

The Industry has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced the

generic name of mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were :
* Mycoxafailin
* Mydixadroopen
* Mydixaarizin
* Mydixadud
* Dixafix
and of course Ibepokin.

Pfizer inc. recently indicated that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form and be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable
for use as a mixer.

Pepsi's ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man
to
literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a stiff drink, this additive gives
new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old
fashion stiff drink.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount & Do.

It should also be noted that over the past few years, more money has
been spent on Breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.

It is believed that as the population ages, there will be a large number

of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections, who cant
remember what to do with them.

[aesop]

That's a great one Sands!

Sorry about the rest of you, they're too long for me.

[deep thinker]

The Vibrator

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door,
she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the
door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a
vibrator.Shocked, she asked,"What in the world are you doing?"
The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about
as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other
side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. When he questioned her
as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I ll ever get to a
husband! Please, go away and leave me alone." A couple days later, the
wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the
kitchen counter, and heard that now familiar buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the family room. She cautiously entered that area and
observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV with the vibrator next to him buzzing like crazy.
The wife shrieked, "What the hell are you doing?"
The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

[jimdoe2you]

jimdoe2you in a pub talking to the bartender!

[Groupermadness]

Voted best Irish joke of 2006!



John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[Donna]

Brilliant Peter, very very funny

Donna

[crusty]

ANGER MANAGEMENT



When you occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.



I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered saying "Hello."



I politely said, "This is Chris, Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"



Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.



I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidently transposed the last 2digits.



After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.



When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole" next to it and put it in my desk drawer.



Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!.



It always cheered me up.



When Caller ID was introduced I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop.



So I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'



He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.



I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"



One day I was at the store getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guyin a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign on his back window which included his phone number so I wrote down the number.



A couple of days later right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole too.



I said, "It this the man with the black BMW for sale?"



"Yes it is" he said.



"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.



"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out in front".



"What's your name?" I asked.



"My name is Don Hansen," he said.



"When's a good time to catch you Don?"



"I'm home every evening after five."



"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"



"Yes?"



"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up and added his number to my speed dial too.



Now when I had a problem I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.



"Hello"



"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)



"Are you still there?" he asked.



"Yeah" is said



"Stop calling me!" he screamed.



"Make me" I said.



"Who are you?" he asked



"My name is Don Hansen"



"Yeah? where do you live?"



"Asshole I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house with my black Beamer parked in front".



He said, "I'm coming over right now Don and you had better start saying your prayers".



I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared asshole" and hung up.



Then I called Asshole #2 "Hello?" he said.



"Hello asshole" I said.



He yelled "If I ever find out who you are .."



"You'll what?" I said



"I'll kick your ass" he exclaimed.



I answered, "Well asshole, here's your chance, I'm coming over right now."



Then I hung up and immediately called the police saying that I lived at 34Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 New about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd,Vaucluse.



I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.



NOW I feel much better.



Anger management really works...




Crusty