Jokes Thread!!!

[deep thinker]

DNA Similarity

Scientists have proven that the DNA found in donkeys & bats is
exactly the same as that found in the human male........ which
explains
the constant stubbornness & lack of vision.


On the other hand scientists have also just proven that the DNA
found in cows & dung beetles is exactly the same as that found in the
human female........ which explains the T*ts & constant looking for
sh*t.

[Groupermadness]

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
Pest-control Company, One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
Together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, “into the closet," and she
Pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
Bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the
Man Replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little ba**+rds ..."

[SurfnSpear]

Scenario:
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?





















Answer:
Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you're pissed

[Dobs]

Actual Doctor's Notes

These are doctors' notes on patients' charts: (Actual notes - unedited!)

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (ouch!)

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

[Epsilon]

Originally Posted by SurfnSpear

Scenario:
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

I would've guessed that one, but the claim that the fire engine on the right is moving at the same speed as the car confused me. As everyone probably knows the velocity increases when you move farther from the center of the Merry-Go-Round. So the fire engine is in fact moving slower, and thus the question is misleading. And as speed is velocity combined with the direction of the movement, the giant pig, the car and the helicopter are also moving at different speeds, eventhough thay all have the same velocity.

The joke is full of unprecise expessions and false use of physics. I refuse to laugh at it, and encourage other persons that worry about the misuse of physics to do the same.


Väinö F

[island_sands]

What are men like?

[island_sands]

and furthermore....

www.shavemyyeti.com

[Groupermadness]

Originally Posted by Epsilon

I would've guessed that one, but the claim that the fire engine on the right is moving at the same speed as the car confused me. As everyone probably knows the velocity increases when you move farther from the center of the Merry-Go-Round. So the fire engine is in fact moving slower, and thus the question is misleading. And as speed is velocity combined with the direction of the movement, the giant pig, the car and the helicopter are also moving at different speeds, eventhough thay all have the same velocity.

The joke is full of unprecise expessions and false use of physics. I refuse to laugh at it, and encourage other persons that worry about the misuse of physics to do the same.


Väinö F

A Physiologist. Is a person who can tell you the square root of an orange but doesnt have a clue how to get the skin off.

[deep thinker]

Originally Posted by Groupermadness

A Physiologist. Is a person who can tell you the square root of an orange but doesnt have a clue how to get the skin off.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

[deep thinker]

this is close to , but I cant resist, as I know someone might find it funny.
What's the difference between a COFFIN and a CONDOM?
Although they both carry stiffs,One is used for coming and the other is for going.

[Spaniard]

Two men are pushing their shopping trolleys around Tesco's when they collide. The first man says to the second, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going". The second man says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate". The first man says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like"? The second man says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes,big t*ts and is wearing a short skirt and a short t-shirt. What does your wife look like"? The first man says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

[jimdoe2you]

You won't see me walking through the front door of this store.

http://www.masterbaitonline.com/index.asp

[Dobs]

Hilarious:
http://www.rinkworks.com/said/answers.shtml

[fcallagy]

Jim why would you go there when you can use their online facilities ?

[jimdoe2you]

They have live service there!!!!!

Oddly, I find the girls behind the counter really don't know much about fishing. Hmmmmm, .......odd!

(let the rod jokes begin)

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