Jokes Thread!!!

[roy_nexus_6]

"Doctor Humor"

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.

[sinkweight]

I need to try that more often.

[island_sands]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged
that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house
cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a
couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the
dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given
his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the
cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the
dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told
her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He
said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see
anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and
he could see a little out of his left eye.

Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

[crusty]

JEEEEZ my wife must have eaten the whole bloody cake then


Crusty

[SurfnSpear]

Could you ever be more embarrassed.....?

...I was in the checkout Queue at the Supermarket over the weekend when I noticed that a
rather dishy blonde behind me has just raised her hand in greeting and was smiling at me.

I was rather taken aback that such a looker would be
waving to me, and although familiar I couldn't place where I might know her from, so I asked "Sorry do you know me?" She replied "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!!! I was a bit shocked and my mind shot back to the one and only time I has been unfaithful, "Christ!! You must be that stripogram from my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your lesbian partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"

To my undying shame she replied

"No, I'm your son's English Teacher"

[Bill]

Subject: Score one for the old dude

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something Very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, By check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Aloha
Bill

[island_sands]

Originally Posted by Bill

Subject: Score one for the old dude

"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Aloha
Bill

nice!

[island_sands]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)

______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to [B]Girlfriend 7.0[/b]. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

[sinkweight]

Yeah, and irreversible damage to your...um....peripherals?

Ha ha ha. That's eerily funny, Sands. Jokes like those keep me from giving girlfriends the key to my pad.

[Groupermadness]

Bob and Nancy were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. After 50 years, Bob wanted to know if Nancy was always faithful. Bob asked, "Have you ever cheated on me?" Nancy replied, "Yes, three times." "What?!", yelled Bob, "When?" Nancy said, "Remember when the septic tank flooded back in '69 and we couldn't afford to fix it? I convinced the plumber to fix it for free." "And?" Nancy said, "Remember when you needed heart surgery in '75 and we didn't have insurance? I had the doctor treat you for free." "And the third time? "Do you remember when you ran for mayor back in '89 and you were behind by 200 votes..."

[Groupermadness]

A joke about a couple from Glasgow Scotland.


After having their 11th child (Pocahontas Brittany Larson O'Neill),

aGlesga couple decided that was enough because they could not afford
a larger bed. So the husband went to his doc and told him that he and
his missus didn't want to have any more children (Am no wantin ony
mair weans). The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get
a Firework banger available from most east end corner shops all year
round, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your
ear and count to 10."
The Glesga Ned in the Charlie Nicholas parlance said to the doctor,
"I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I canny see how
putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust
me,"said the doctor.
So the Ned went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He
heldthe can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" At
which point he paused, ........................placed the beer can
between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure is available on the NHS by the way and works in
Govan, Barrachnie, Garthamlock, Clydebank, Parkhead, Caldercruix,
Shettleston, Carmyle and Barlanark.

[Groupermadness]

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to
place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack
of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband
demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the
sake of decency, here's £50 Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's
€20 Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.
The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is
naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd
any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o
Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb.
Tidy yerself up a bit."

[sinkweight]

Alright, I deleted the last one because it sucked.

Here's one of my favorites. This is a good kind of sucky.

A hunting club is having an 50th anniversary, and the president of the club asks a founding member to tell a story of his earlier days on Safari.

"It was back in 1944," The old man began, "and it was one of the hottest days I had experienced on Safari that Summer. I had become dehydrated and exhausted from tracking a man-eating lion across the plains, so I took shade under a tree, but quickly fell asleep. There I lay in the heat of the evening when I was suddenly awakened by a snapping branch! I quickly opened my eyes and turned my head to see him! The man-eating lion...right there, before me! My hands became soaked with sweat and my heart raced as I slowly reached for my gun. The lion became wary and let out a big 'RRROOOAAAAAAAAAR'! Well, I just crapped my pants!"

The other members of the club laughed, and the president yelled out, "That's alright, I think I would've crapped my pants, too if I had seen a man-eating lion about to attack me!"

The old man quickly replied, "No...I mean I JUST crapped my pants just now trying to roar like that."



ha ha ha ha...oh, that get's me every time.

[AB Diver]

Well there is these two guys in a bar. They had been drinking for a while and decided it was time to go home. They walk out of the bar and saw a dog sitting on the corner licking his balls. The one fella says, "Damn man I wish I could do that!" The other fella says, "Yeah, but I bet he'd bite ya."

[sinkweight]

that's my second favorite joke.

Here's one I heard the other day:

A drunk in a bar gets up to use the restroom, the bartender watches him stumble in and the door swing back behind him. A couple of minutes go by and then the bartender hears a blood-curdling scream coming from the bathroom.

Silence.

A minute later, there comes another blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. This time the bartender, worried about the drunk, comes barging in the bathroom door to find the drunk wincing in pain, standing with his pants down and his private parts in his hand.

"Damnit! Are you alright? What is going ON in here?!" The bartender yelled.

"I was sittin' here doing my business, and then when I flushed the toilet, something came up and squeezed the living hell out of my privates! The same thing happened the second time, too!" The drunk cried.

The bartender looked around to see which toilet the drunk was using. Suddenly the bartender whipped the drunk in the head with his bar rag and said, "That's what you get when you crap in the mop-ringer bucket!"

hmm. second joke about crap. Perhaps a change of subject for old stinkweight...er....sinkweight.