Jokes Thread!!!

[island_sands]

Why Older Chicks Rule* *.* - by Andy Rooney from CBS "60 Minutes".

This is for all you girls 40 years and over... and for those who are turning 40, and for those who are scared of moving into their 50's...AND 60's....and for guys who are scared of girls over 40!!!!

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend, because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always already know.

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.
Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.
>

[roy_nexus_6]

A husband comes home and finds his wife in a bed with his friend.
He shoots his friend to death after which his wife says: - "If you behave like this, you will lose all of your friends! "

[Gillz]

ah haha!

[Dan Man]

What kind of bees make milk?

Boobies

[johnny]

The teacher asked the class, if you were covered in something what would you be covered in ??

Bruce put his hand up....

" i would be covered in gold miss"

why is that said the teacher

little bruce said " well i could scrap a little off and buy myself a nice car.

HMMMMM very good said the teacher.

ok Colin what about you.

Colin: i would be covered in the highest quality gold platinum. and scrap a little off and buy myself a really cool Ferrari ..

HMMMMM very good said the teacher.


Johnny what about you?

"HMMM well" said Johnny. "I would be covered in pubic hair miss"

"what do you mean johnny why pubic hair" replied the teacher.

Johnny said.
"well my older sister has a little patch this big ..... and you should see how many cars are outside our house "

[jimdoe2you]

I am not sure if I already told this one here or not.

How do you know when it's bed time at Michael Jackson's house?

When the big hand is on the little hand!

[Dan Man]

Whats the difference between michael jackson and acne?

Acne doesn't come on a childs face until its at least 13!

[kmo]

One of those days...

[Freediver81]

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked
"OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The Aussie said "One."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or
30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?".......
"124,237.64. pounds"
The manager choked and exclaimed "124,237.64 POUNDS" What the hell did you
sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and
then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so
I told him he would need a boat,
so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined
Power Cat
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him
down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here
to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"
"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend
and I said
"Well, since your weekend's ruined, you might as well go
fishing.........."

[Freediver81]

Sunday School



Little Susie was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she
slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell
me,Susie, who created the universe?" When Susie didn't stir, little
Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed
her in the bum.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted Susie and the teacher said, "Very good" and
Susie fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Susie, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But, Susie didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came
to the rescue and struck her again.

"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted Susie and the teacher said, "Very good," and
Susie fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Susie a third question. "What did Eve say to
Adam after she gave birth to their twenty-third child?" And again,
Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Susie jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G
THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"

The Teacher fainted....

[jimdoe2you]

Can someone tell me what time it is?

[land shark]

you bet I can

[Freediver81]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the
street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk
this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm
50, but thank you!" While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an
old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when
I was young; there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It
sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under
your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best
of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel
around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and
he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs
them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says,

"Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"

The old man says, "Promse you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't" she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

[deep thinker]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we
started swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you
swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants
for breakfast.

"Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops".

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got
up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,

"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f*cking Coco Pops."

[SurfnSpear]

READ BEFORE CLICKING ON THE LINK: There are two identical pictures that will appear on the screen. Almost 8000 people were tested to see if
they
could find the 3 differences and only 19 got it. See how observant you are and if you find all 3 differences, you are one of the most elite people in
the>world! The instructions are in German but they say "find the 3
differences".
http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf