Jokes Thread!!!

[podge]

Nice one, I found you have to look really closely and then you get them.

[roy_nexus_6]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ticked off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You going to tell him, or should I?

[Donna]

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a women to enjoy it with. So one
evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful
women he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look just an ordinary man" he said as he walked up to her,
"but in just a week or two, my father will die and I will inherit 20
million dollars."

Impressed, the woman wnt home with him that evening and 3 days later
she became his Stepmother.

[Freediver81]

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Big W with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.



The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Big W – nice children you've got there -- are they twins?"



The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, ya dickhead?"



"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would f*ck you twice!"

[Freediver81]

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

[BatRay]

Signs that make you go

[deep thinker]

Seeing that its friday and its raining and no one really feels like work on a friday
Attachment 11124

[Freediver81]

Prime Minister John Howard was visiting a primary school and he
visited
one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to
words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he
would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the
illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on
a
farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills
him, that would be a 'tragedy'". "No," said Howard, "that would be an
accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying
fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would
be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "That's what we would
call a great loss." The room went silent. No other children
volunteered.
John searched the room. " Isn't there someone here who can give me an
example of tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room Little Johnny raised his hand...In a
quiet voice he said: "If the airplane carrying you and Mrs. Howard was
struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that
would
be a tragedy.

" Fantastic!" exclaimed John Howard. "That's right. And can you tell
me
why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," said Little Johnny "It has to be
a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it
probably
wouldn't be a fu**ing accident either."

[Freediver81]

A cabbie picks up a nun.

She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am And have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
Just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
That I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you
have To be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes! I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear
child," asks the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm
Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a
Halloween party."

[deep thinker]

Never fart in your wetsuit, you mite have a boyancy problem
Attachment 11158

[deep thinker]

freediving horse, how cool
Attachment 11159

[Groupermadness]

Cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.


She asks him why he is staring.



He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you"



She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."



"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."



She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."



The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!



"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."



The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.



But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.



"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"



"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."



The nun says, "That's OK.

























My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[mishu1984]

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church, listening to the organ play.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!"

[mishu1984]

There's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like an old salt, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and the bird's foul mouth is driving him nuts.

One day, it just gets to be too much and the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.


Then the guy gets angry and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and
he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would
make a sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din.
The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird meekly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded and amazed at the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the CHICKEN DO?"

[kmo]

W.I.C.O.E.
(Women In Charge Of Everything)
is proud to announce the opening of its


EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!

OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE!

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS -- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role playEvening


HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did


IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available