Jokes Thread!!!

[Donna]

Once upon a time there was a man who had worked all his life and had saved all his money, he was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to promise to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

Well, eventually he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black with her friend was sitting next to her. When they'd finished the ceremony, just before the undertaker closed the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertaker locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't stupid enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put the money in the casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" "I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque for the whole lot............"

[Freediver81]

Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example
of a development that is currently being built near your home and what
are the advantages of this new development.

At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls
remain behind for 5 minutes.

Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from
your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very
likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am
asking you all, to avoid any further problems - that if he says anything
that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom."

Everybody agreed to this plan.

Next day -

Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead
Anita."

Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy
doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk."

Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes - Suzie!"

Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My
daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home."

Teacher: "Excellent, thank-you Suzie!"

At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks:
"Oh heavens, Johnny tell me what new development is being built near
your home."

Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel."

All the young ladies get up and proceed to leave.

Little Johnny: "Hey relax sluts .......... it hasn't opened yet!"

[Freediver81]

Dangerous Food

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . "The material we

put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting

here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach

lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous,

and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our

drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all

have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that

causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row

raised his hand, and softly said,

"Wedding Cake."

[podge]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it
is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The
Hokey Kokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.


Shut up. You know it's funny.

[podge]

Gone fishing ,
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed
quietly, made my lunch, went to the garage, loaded my fishing gear in my
truck, and backed out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house,
quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back and whispered, "The weather out
there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out
fishing in that sh * t?

[Freediver81]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Paul accidentally

dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick

them up, he noticed Tom's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under

her dress !

Shocked by this, Paul upon trying to sit back up again, hit his

head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Paul went to the kitchen

to get some refreshments. Tom's wife followed and asked, "Did you see

anything that you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, Paul courageously admitted that, well

indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs

of this offer, Paul confirms that he is interested. She tells him that

since her husband Tom works Friday afternoons and as Paul doesn't,

he should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Paul showed up at Tom's house at 2p.m.

sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom

and closed their transaction, as agreed. Paul then quickly dressed and

left.

As usual, Tom came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the

house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did Paul come by the house this

afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for

a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he

give you $500?"In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and

after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me

$500".

Tom, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,

"Good, I was hoping he did. Paul came by the office this morning and

borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this

afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

[Donna]

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I've been asked to go fishing up in
Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've
been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set
out my fishing rod and box? We will be leaving from our office and I will
swing by the house to pick up my things. Oh, by the way, would you please
pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did
exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking
good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why
didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box...

[Freediver81]

This is clever!!

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some
milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks
the
other, then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire
on the
income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the
other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to
analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to
your
publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are
transferred via
an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the
majority
shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed
company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an
option
on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States,
leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The
public buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a
riot,
and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they
are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the
milk. You
then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it
worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they
live
for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where
they
are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you
have
five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count
them
again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open
another
bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You
charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking
them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity,
and
arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them
that
you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you
and
invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are
part
of a Democracy....

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very
attractive.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have an affair with
one of
the sheep in the next paddock.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Because you employ fewer
than 100
cows, you "offer" your cows an Australian Workplace Agreement, and tell
them
that they will be dismissed if they do not sign. The cows refuse,
pointing
out that they were far better off on their old collective agreement
that had
been negotiated by the cow union, which included penalty rates and
leave
entitlements. You dismiss the cows and hire two more that have
recently
emigrated from China. The new cows work 12 hour days, 7 days a week,
for
virtually nothing.

[podge]

You know I could swear that I’ve eaten the best part of one of those mad cows.

[josedesucre]

The joy of being retired:

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?” He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi”. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a doughnut eating Gestapo. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went n for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08." I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

[deep thinker]

A little girl asks her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Her Mom replies "no, because she is in heat."
"What does that mean?" asked the child.
"Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come ask you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

[deep thinker]

"How many of you are willing to forgive your enemies?"
80% held up their hands. The priest then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly Lady.
"Mrs Jones?" "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety eight" she replied.
"Oh, Mrs Jones, would you please come down to the front and tell us all
how a person can live ninety eight years and not have an enemy in the
World?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation and said:

"I outlived the bitches."

[Freediver81]

Things could be worse.
>
> A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed,
hair
>well
>groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly
of a
>good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into
an
>upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking
lady,
> (mid eighties).
> The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink,
takes a
>sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
>
<><><><><><><>
> An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of
years.
>He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for
a set
>of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
>The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor
>said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased
that
>you
>can hear again."
>The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around
>and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
>
><><><><><><><>
>Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a
bench
>under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83
years old
>now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How
>do
>you feel?"
>Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
>"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
>"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
>
><><><><><><><>
>An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating,
>the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two
gentlemen were
>talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant
and it
>was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
>The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
>The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the
name of
>that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one
that's red
>and has thorns."
>"Do you mean a rose?"
>"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen
>and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to
last
>night?
>
><><><><><><><>
>Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being
discharged.
>However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly
gentleman
>...
>already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet
... who
>insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
>After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel
him to
>the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting
him.
>"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing
>out
>of her hospital gown."
>
><><><><><><><>
>
>Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering
things.
>During
>a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but
they
>might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
>Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his
chair.
>Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
>"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
>"Sure."
>"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
she
>asks
>
>"No, I can remember it."
>"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should
write it
>down, so's not to forget it?"
>He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
>strawberries."
>"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, don't
you
>want
>to write it down?" she asks.
>Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember
it! Ice
>cream with strawberries and whipped cream ... I got it, for goodness
sake!"
>Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old
man
>returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and
eggs. She
>stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"
>
><><><><><><><>
>A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear
you're
>getting married?"
>"Yep!"
>"Do I know her?"
>"Nope!"
>"This woman, is she good looking?"
>"Not really."
>"Is she a good cook?"
>"Naw, she can't cook too well."
>"Does she have lots of money?"
>"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
>"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
>"I don't know."
>"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
>"Because she can still drive!"
>
> <><><><><><><>
>Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second
>one says, "No, it's Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go
get a
>beer."
>
><><><><><><><>
>
>A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost
>me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
>"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
>"Twelve thirty."
>
><><><><><><><>
> Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few
>days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous
>young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to
Morris
>and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
>Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and
be
>cheerful.'"
>The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur; be
>careful.'"
>
><><><><><><><>
> A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and
pulled
>himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his
breath, he
>ordered a banana split.
>The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
>"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

[Bill]

Enough of the old man stuff. They hit too close to home.
lol
Bill