Jokes Thread!!!

[sinkweight]

This one is terribly mean:

A guy was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As he was unloading his items on the conveyor belt to check out, a pretty young woman standing behind him watched as he placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up his purchases, the young woman giggled and stated, "You must be single." The man was a bit startled by this proclamation, but he was intrigued by the the young woman's intuition, since he was indeed single.

He looked at his six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusually bachelor-like about his selections that could have tipped off the woman to his marital status. Curiosity and intrest in the woman was getting the better of him, so he said "Well, you know what? You're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The woman replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[sinkweight]

And when I find that lady, by God I'll...

[Alison]

Politically incorrect but WTF its only a joke

An Irishman comes home from the pub and gives his wife a paper bag full of poo, his wife shouts out "What the in the name of Jesus is that!!" the Irish man replies "I met a man in the pub and he asked me did I want to buy a bagocakki, and I thought it was a Japanese motorcycle"

[Groupermadness]

This pirate walks into a bar with a big ships wheel down his pants. The bartender says, "excuse me, sir, but do you know you have a ship's wheel down the front of your pants?"





And the Pirate says, "Aaaarrrrrrgh, yes and its driving me nuts!"

[Alison]

Why are pirates called pirates?


Because they AAAAAARRRRRRGH!

[DeepThought]

Three mates are meeting for a beer at a pub.

One of them says:
"I bought my wife something that gets from 0 to 100 in 6 seconds!"
The others look at him questionably and he adds:
"I bought her a Pink BMW Z-3."

Second guy says:
"I bought my wife something that gets from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds!"
The first guy who understands about cars says "It must be a Ferrari".
The guy says:"Yes, it's a cute red Ferrari".

The third guy who has been silent so far says:
"I bought my wife something that gets from 0 to 200 in 2 seconds"
The car buff says "There's no such car!"
Third guy replies: "That's right, I bought her this:"

[bdurrett]

Well, since Grouper started with the Scotsman jokles, I can add one here too....

Angus had tied one on at the Pub that night and was on his way home. Since he was walking more side to side than forwards, he decided to sit down on the log beside the road and take a little rest.

Needless to say, after consuming as much Scotch and beer as he did, he passed out cold and fell backwards over the log.

The next morning, two young lassies were walking to school and see a pair of burly legs sticking up over the log. They went to look and there lay Angus, still out cold, with his feet on the log.

One of the girls turned and whispered to the other, "I alays wannada know if it's really true dat the min donna wear nothin' unda der kilts. Whadda ya say we sneak a look on dis one while he's alayin there?"

So, the two quietly walk over and pick up the edge of Angus' kilt where, in true Scottish fashion, he's gone "copmmando" and is hanging out in all his glory.

The first lass looks at the second and says, "Woodaya look adda size uh dat!" Ina never seen notin like dat before!" The second looks and says, "Oh may, We godda do somdin for im for when he wakes up!", takes one of the little blue ribbons out of her hair, and carefully ties it around his... well, you know.....

The two then walk on to school whispering the whole way.

Later in the morning, the day is in full swing, it is starting to get warm, and Angus begins to wake up. The first thing he notices is that the sky is in the wrong place and he is NOT at home in bed. Standing up with a hang-over that would kill a horse, he begins to stumble on home, thinking about what a dressing down he is going to get when he gets home. He also realizes that he REALLY needs to pee.... So, he stumbles over to the side of the road, lifts up his kilt, looks down to begin positioning himself and sees the ribbon. He stands there a minute, staring at the ribbon on his pride and joy, begins to smile and then says, "Well, I dunno where ya been Laddie or whatcha been doin', but from da looks uh ya, at least ya won first prize!"

OK... It could be worse.... I am not sure how but it COULD be worse.....

[roy_nexus_6]

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

(this one is for Alison)

[crusty]

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to
work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a
white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once
a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as
you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't
want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say
is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again
for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers
and prowess.

That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves,
and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he
gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123;" and suddenly
he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man had
promised.

His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks,
"What did you say '123' for?

[Alison]

Originally Posted by roy_nexus_6

(this one is for Alison)

LOL I would have had then arrested! I would have had my rubber gloves on and lead him away by the nuts at great speed! Has nuts will follow

[AB Diver]

Did everyone hear that Michael Jackson got food poisoning?

From eating a 10 year old sausage!

[sinkweight]

That's so wierd. AB, you're stealing all my favorite jokes!

[roy_nexus_6]

Did you know why Michael's pants always look kinda short ?
It's becasue they are not his pants.

[sinkweight]

Ha ha ha ha.

Michael Jackson sued Wal-Mart for false advertisement of "Boys Pants Half Off"

[AB Diver]

Well If Michael Jackson had a clothing store he'd have "Boys Pants Half Off" year round.