Jokes Thread!!!

[Donna]

I would send you some rep for that Said but I have to spread it around a bit first - hilarious - I need a new keyboard

[Dobs]

Originally Posted by Donna

I would send you some rep for that Said but I have to spread it around a bit first - hilarious - I need a new keyboard

Same here

[deep thinker]

This test has only one question, but it's a very important one. Please
don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an
honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally. The test
features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will
have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer
needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.



You're in Zimbabwe... near Kariba, to be exact. There is great chaos
going on around you, caused by an unpredicted hurricane and severe
floods. There are huge masses of water all about you. You are a Daily
News photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The
situation is nearly hopeless.



You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and
people floating around you, disappearing into the Zambezi River as it
roars through the gorge. Nature is showing all its destructive power and
is ripping everything away with it.



Suddenly you see a man in the water - he is fighting for his life,
trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move
closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. Suddenly you know who it is...
it's Robert Mugabe!



At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him
away, forever. You have two options and no time to lose. You can save
him or you can take the best photo of your life. You can't do both.



So, you can save the life of Robert Mugabe... or you can shoot a prize
winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's
most notorious leaders.



Here's the question (please give an honest answer):



Would you select colour film, or rather go with the simplicity of
classic black and white?

[Freediver81]

Originally Posted by Donna

I would send you some rep for that Said but I have to spread it around a bit first - hilarious - I need a new keyboard

Its the intention that counts!

Said

[miles]

15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MUM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.


1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

[bdurrett]

Originally Posted by Donna

I would send you some rep for that Said but I have to spread it around a bit first - hilarious - I need a new keyboard

Don't worry, I did it for you!

[colt.45]

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

[colt.45]

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[podge]

Subject: A chuckle....Dear Tech Support:



** High Priority **

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a
lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now
monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night
10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golfing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend
7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....
_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also
impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is
impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system
once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to
not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child
Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the
situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to
alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE!
because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the
system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance
.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep
3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will
cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this
happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase
additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With
Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will
cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,

Tech Support

[joe123321]

Hahahah that was the funniest thing Ive ever read podge! heres some rep!

[Donna]

A sucessful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You've done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and have a good time tonight." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town that evening.

He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the house, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.


"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.


"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.


"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.


"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.




Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

[Freediver81]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting. He
enquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've
made" said God.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it
Earth and its going to be a great world of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth. "For example,
North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South
America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot
and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white
people and over there is a continent of black people." God continued,
pointing to the different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and
arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land
and asked, "What's that?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Queensland , the most glorious place on earth. A land
of sunshine, there are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the home of
beautiful rain forests, magnificent islands and beaches, a beautiful reef,
the world's finest sportsmen and women, artists, musicians, writers,
philosophers, explorers and politicians. There is an abundance of minerals
and fantastic farming land. It is a place where everyone from around the
world will come for their holidays to relax and enjoy themselves. The people
from Queensland are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're
going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable,
hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world
as speakers of truth."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about
balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"


God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the wankers I'm putting next to them in New South Wales and Victoria

[Freediver81]

From a golfer friend of mine.


Last summer Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels
in
love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went
to
dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the
relationship.



"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady
friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd
better

say so now."



"Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied.



"I'm a hooker."



"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment.



Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your
wrists straight when you tee off."

[drunkinbda]

In the long list, hope i didnt skip over this:

A man and his two sons go golfing. While checking in the attendant informs them that a young lady's group could not show up and was wondering if she could join theirs as the 4th. The men agree and the 4 set out.

As they play each hole, the young lady keeps either tied, or ahead of the three men, hitting every shot perfectly. The men comment on her form and power, noting that she is a very skilled golfer.

At the green for the 18th hole, the three men put in, leaving the woman to putt. With a confused look on her face, she says to the men that she is unsure how to putt this one. The green angles have her baffled. She tells the men that if one of them can tell her how to put it in, she'll take them out for the most amazing night of their lives.

They all eagerly grin and analyze the shot. The first son tells her that it is banking left, so she should aim right. The second son tells her that although it starts left, it banks right after so she should aim more straight. The father looks at her and says "Its a gimme"!

[Freediver81]

Who's in Charge? All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who the one in charge was.



"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would ha