Jokes Thread!!!

[Freediver81]

Old one but still a good one!



>>A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
>
>They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya
doin'?"
>
>His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
>
>"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
>
>When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and
>brings over a Budweiser.
>
>His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she
know
>that you drink Budweiser?"
>
>"She's in the ladies' bowling league, honey," he says. "We share lanes
with
>them."
>
>A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around
Dave,
and
>says, "Hi, Davey! Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
>
>Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave
>follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door,
he
>jumps in beside her.
>
>He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken
him
for
>someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at
him
at
>the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabbie
turns
>his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight,
Dave."

[SurfnSpear]

Try out this mobile phone tracker, it's great, using a satellite map track any connected mobile phone with coverage anywhere in the world!!!! Log on to Mobile phone tracking

[Bill]

Hard or soft boiled egg

She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me -- this very moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"

She explains, "The egg timer's broken."

[deep thinker]

Attachment 12977

[Freediver81]

Old one but still a good one!




The tomatoes



An old Swiss-Italian man lived alone near Mildura. He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.



His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in Loddon prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described

his predicament.



"Dear Vincenzo,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.

Love, Papa"



A few days later he received a letter from his son.



"Dear Papa, I'd do anything for you Papa, except dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie"



At 4 am the next morning, Federal and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.



"Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie"

[podge]

Subject: Bottle of Merlot

The waiter took a bottle of Merlot to the woman and said:
This is from the gentleman seated over there, indicating the
sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second without looking
over at the man, and decided to send a reply note.

The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note
from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in
your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your
pants."


After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of
his own in return. He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and
instructed him to return this to the woman. It read:

"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a
Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage.
There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account.
However, not even for a woman as beautiful as yourself would I cut off three inches."
"Just send the bottle back."

[deep thinker]

Learn Chinese in Five (5) minutes.
(You MUST read them aloud.)

English

Chinese

That's not right
Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man
Dum Fuk

Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift
Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here
Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone
No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week
Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight
Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka

Your body odour is offensive
Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great
Fa Kin Su Pa

[Freediver81]

Little Morris Cohen was doing very badly in maths. His parents had
tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning
centres; in short, everything they could think of to help his
mathematics.

<>Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Morris down and enrolled
him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Morris came home with a very serious look on
his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went
straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little</> Morris was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner; to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to
his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books
as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Morris brought home his report card.
He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books.

With great trepidation, his Mum looked at it and to her great surprise, little Morris got an "A" in maths.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it?
Was it the nuns?"

Little Morris looked at her and shook his head, "No"

"Well, then", she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"

Little Morris looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I knew they weren't f***ing around."

[SurfnSpear]

[deep thinker]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!", Ashley said
"Very good," the teacher replied.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers,too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is,"Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.
"That was a fine story, Sarah", said the teacher.
"Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Shirley. Aunt Shirley was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens", said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f**k away from Aunt Shirley when she's been drinking."

[Freediver81]

> All About Farts.
>
> A fart can be quiet,
> A fart can be loud,
> Some leave a powerful,
> Poisonous cloud
>
> A fart can be short,
> Or a fart can be long,
> Some farts have been known
> To sound like a song......
>
> A fart can create
> A most curious medley,
> A fart can be harmless,
> Or silent but deadly.
>
> A fart might not smell,
> While others are vile,
> A fart may pass quickly,
> Or linger a while......
>
> A fart can occur
> In a number of places,
> And leave everyone there,
> With strange looks on their faces.
>
> From wide-open prairie,
> To small elevators,
> A fart will find all of
> Us sooner or later.
>
> But farts are all bad,
> Is simply not true-
> We must not forget.......
> Sweet old farts like me and you!

[Freediver81]

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15
years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list
of needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the
wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your
wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop
her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

[Freediver81]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human
beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she
volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.


"It sure was", said the little girl.



"My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,
Fffff'... and before he could say "*****" the rottweiler ate him!"

[SanderP]

lol wat is dat

[joe123321]

Noo my bucket