Jokes Thread!!!

[stuckinsurrey]

Joe! That is brilliant! Love it!

What are the two fastest freshwater fish?

Apparently its a motorpike and side carp!

Rubbish I know but heard that joke at the weekend and it made me laugh - I was suffering from a lack of sleep at the time so was close to hysteria anyway!

[deep thinker]

Seein that were on the captioned pics heres a few more cats and a very evil little dog...
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[deep thinker]

Missed one
Attachment 13182

[Bill]

from the US Department of Labor Statistics:

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city
governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.

And there you are, sitting on your duff, at your computer, reading jokes.

Aloha
Bill

[Freediver81]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately,

the baby was born without ears.


When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family

was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with

him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about

the baby's missing ears Or even said the word ears, he would get the

smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie."

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little

hands, A cute little nose and really beautiful eyes.

Can he see?"

" Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful;

the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "coz he'd be

f**ked if he needed glasses.

[Freediver81]

A 17 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for
two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a
pregnancy test.

Confirming her worst fears, the test result is positive. Shouting,
swearing, crying, the Mother says, "Who is the bastard that
did this to you? I want to Know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother, & the girl
and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll
take charge. I will pay all costs & provide for your daughter for the
rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail
stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. He
continues:
"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories & a $4,000,000
bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000
each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a
hand firmly on the man's shoulder and very decisively tells him,
"You can breed her again..."

[deep thinker]

A bit of a fine liner but hey, it is funny....

Towards the end of the golf course, Hendrik hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden.....POOF ! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.......As a matter of fact, you'll never have anybutter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!

Then POOF!......she was gone !

After Hendrik recovered from the shock, he holleredfor his friend, "Denis, where are you?"
Denis yells back "I'm over here in the pussywillows."
Hendrik shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Denis; for the love of God, DON'T SWING !"

[SanderP]

lol big time

[Freediver81]

For all Employees Who Work With Rude Customers.
>>
>> An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney
some
>> weeks ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when
>> confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A
>> crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been
>>withdrawn
>> from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of
>> inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his
way to
>> the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I
HAVE to
>> be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
>>
>> The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to
help
>>you,
>> but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able
to
>> work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked
loudly, so
>> that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHO I
>> AM?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her
public
>> address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have
your
>> attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout
the
>> terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW
WHO HE
>> IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate
14."
>> With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
glared
>>at
>> the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"
Without
>> flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to
fly
>> QANTAS for that service."
>>

[Trelawney]

Things that make blokes proud...



1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grrrrr, what does it look like?

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are p****d. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty, doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the Plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain hemorrhage".

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

[Freediver81]

Subject: Negative people

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.

So remember this story the next time you run into someone who knows nothing, cares less and tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty! You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced.

So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city . They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?

He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo"!

[deep thinker]

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning.

He told Bush that Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.

Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

[josedesucre]

Funniest excuses to avoid a traffic ticket:
(Plucked from an article of The Car Connection Team, published in AOL)

1) THE CORPSE IS ROTTING: "I am a funeral director, the law does not bother a hearse on the highway at any speed. But this one time I had a time to be at an out of town crematory, and I was in a van, taking an unembalmed body to be cremated and he got me at 90 mph on the Interstate, when he stopped me and asked what was my hurry, I said, 'Brother, I have to be at a crematory in an hour or I'll miss my appointment time and they will be closing for the weekend.' He said, 'So ...' I said, 'Take a whiff in the back, he stuck he head in the side window and jerked it back out and said sir hurry along and be careful.'"

2) BE CAREFUL OR I'LL ...: "I was driving along one day minding what I thought was my own business, and kind of daydreaming. I must have gone a little faster than I should have and was pulled over and stopped by a state police officer. My husband is a former police officer and told me how he always let someone go if they could tell him a reason for speeding that he hadn't heard before. I knew I had to think quickly because he was now approaching my door. He advised me that the reason he was stopping me was I had exceeded the posted limit by 15 miles over. I looked him in the eye and asked him sternly "Do you have any idea what I did to the last cop who stopped me for speeding?" He looked a little shocked and began feeling more cautious. I said, "I married him." I believe he is still laughing, he just walked away and said slow down, have a nice day. I was so pleased that for once my husband told me something that would really work."

3) GOD'S HELP: "My sister-in-law was pulled over one day for speeding and she said to the passenger with her "O dear God don't let him give me a ticket" the officer came up to her and as he was looking over her driver's license the call came over the radio that the church down the road was on fire. He jumped in his car and told her it was her lucky day. My sister-in-law said "God you did not have to go to that extreme."

4) CHAUVINIST PIG: As I was driving out of the local mall, I made a left turn and headed toward the highway. I suddenly realized I was being followed by a police car with flashing lights. I couldn't figure out why. I had done nothing illegal. (I thought.) However, I pulled over, hoping he wasn't after me, but he was. He asked for the usual: license, registration and insurance, which I handed over. I sat and waited patiently wondering what was going on. I suppose the look on my face said it all because he asked, "Do you know why you were pulled over?" I answered, "No." He informed me that I made a left turn and that was an illegal turn. I became so angry that before I realized what I was saying, I blurted out, "Well, why don't you ever pull my husband over? He makes that turn every time we come to this mall. What are you, a chauvinist or something?" He stared for awhile and then roared with laughter as he said, "Well, go home and tell your husband he's been lucky and not to make that turn again."

5) BLONDES HAVE IT EASIER: My wife -a fairly quiet and reserved but very pretty blonde- was pulled over by a State Patrol office for driving 75 mph in a 55-mph zone. When the office walked to her car and asked her why she was speeding, she told the patrolman that she was married to a police officer who had told her that as long as she was traveling with the flow of traffic she would not be pulled over and would be OK. The patrolman, having heard all the excuses, or so he thought, told my wife that there were no other cars within a quarter-mile of her when he clocked her on the radar. She looked at him and told him she knew that, but that the group of cars she had been traveling with got boring so she was trying to catch up with the group in front of her. Apparently this was a new one to the patrolman, she said he giggled a little bit, told her to slow down, drive safely, and have a nice day. She says she could see him laughing and shaking his head as he walked back to his car.

[Freediver81]

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of
meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids
were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so begged their dad
for the clue. "Well" the father said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes"

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it.... its a f*cking arsehole!