Jokes Thread!!!

[sinkweight]

That reminds me of this field survival scenario (and pardon me if it's been presented before; I had to lay off the majority of my research team, and didn't have time to sift through backlogs)

Editor's note: I've taken the artistic license (as a survivalist) of updating the scenario just a bit:

Question: Your are caught deep inside a pit-trap with a tiger, a crocodile, a spotted hyena, and a defense lawyer with a cell phone. You have a .38 caliber handgun but with only three bullets. What should you do?

Answer: Shoot the defense lawyer in each knee, and then in the ass. He will accuse you of aggrivated assault, immediately offer his defense services, have you sign a contract, and will spend the remaining minutes of his so-called-life building a defense for your alleged self-defense case, rehearsing your timeline, and fabricating alibis on his cellphone; this in turn should buy enough time between when passers-by who heard the shot come to your aid and the predators finish eating the lawyer.

[colt.45]

club the lawyer over the head with the gun, and then climb out while the animals are busy with the lawyer and use the bullets, on whoever put me in there in the first place.

[Freediver81]

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat next to a woman patron and ordered champagne.

The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence...This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too. I'm also celebrating," said the woman.

"What a coincidence," said the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. All my hens were infertile, but today, they're finally fertile."

"That's great!" said the woman, "how did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence!" she said.

[bdurrett]

That is TERRIBLE BAD!

So, just to show that I CAN, in fact, come up with a worse one.....


Q: How do you get a tissue (a Kleenex for those of you who speak proper American ) to dance?


Wait for it




you KNOW it is going to be bad




Come on.......




almost there ........



A: Put a little boogey into it!


I warned you!

[sinkweight]

If we're going that route (3rd Grade), I'll just compress three horrible jokes into this post.

Why is there a fence and gate around most cemetaries?
Because people are dying to get in.

--

Why was six 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.

--

A customer walks into a bar to see the bartender pouring a beer for a regular. The bartender serves the regular with a seemingly disrespectful "Here ya' go, Jackass."

The regular gives him a subdued "Cheers."

The customer sits at the end of the bar with his drink, watching the bartender serve the regular with the same "Here ya' go, Jackass" every time.

Concerned about the regular's lack of confidence, the customer approaches him while the bartender is preoccupied, and says, "Say, feller'... Don't you mind him calling you 'Jackass' every time he hands you a beer?"

The regular smiles while drinking his beer and sets it down; he wipes his mouth, turns his head towards the customer...

"Who the bartender? HEE-HAW! HEE-HAW! HEE-HALWAYS calls me that."

--

I think I've embarrassed all of us. My work is done.

[bdurrett]

Darn Sinky! If I would have known you were going to take it that hard.....



Just to show that I have no hard feelings.....

(By the way, I have gotten the last couple of these off the wrappers of "Penguin" bars from the UK..... If you don't know what those are, it is a chocolate cookie sandwich with chocolate filling covered in ... yep... Chocolate!)

Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?














A: Because if they flew over bays they would be Bagels!

I didn't write 'em, I am only passing them on!



Bret

[deep thinker]

Ok Ok back to better jokes lol...

The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against
a wall. .

The owner asks the clerk: "What's with the guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for
his cough.

Couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative".

The owner, wide -eyed and excited shouts :

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives".

The clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can, look at him.....he's afraid
to cough."

[deep thinker]

And rite back to the dodgy ones cant resist this one...
two fish in a tank.....
the one says to the other, ' you man the guns, il steer!'

[deep thinker]

Dont know if this ones up here, but here we go...

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "excuthe me do you have any
widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he is on
her level and says "do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft fwuffy
bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her
knees, leans forward and whispers, " I don't wealy fink my Anaconda
gives a phuc."

[SanderP]

[deep thinker]

This one is GOOD!!!

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit,
andI'mafraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they
got
to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked,
"Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

[Boomstick]

What do get if you cross a pirate with a robot?



Arrgghh 2d2

[Freediver81]

TAX INSPECTOR

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit
the
books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the
books he turned to the
Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with
the candle drippings?" "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them
up
and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they
send us

a free box of candles".

"Oh," replied the auditor, disappointed that his unusual question had
a
practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all
these bread -wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah,
yes,"
replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him
with
an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send
them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a
free
box of bread wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the
know - it - all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with
all
the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too,
we
do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the
foreskins and

send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a
complete
prick."

[sinkweight]

Now, that's a punchline.

[Freediver81]

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She wasn't bad for 57; we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had the "sportsman's double", a mother and daughter threesome? I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she said tonight was my lucky night. So we went back to her place.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mum, are you still awake?"