Jokes Thread!!!

[deep thinker]

Question: What is a bastard exactly?

Quite often we ask ourselves hard to answer questions, like, “What is a bastard?”

And we wax philosophic with metaphysical postulations, incomplete aphorisms, and inconsistent sophisms that make one more and more sure that the only true thing is that a picture is worth a thousand words.

In this photo, the guy on the right is a member of a bomb squad in the middle of a deactivation.

The guy behind him, well, he's a bastard.







Attachment 13672

[josedesucre]

Bastard I don't know, but a SOB I am sure he is!.

[podge]

A few words of wisdom and the odd question….


1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your arse tomorrow.

[jimdoe2you]

Here is one that very few of us can laugh at:

"What do you call a vacuum that only suctions all of its owners money? .............................A dive store "

[Due to issues with my web designers the online store is delayed but should be open sometime during the first week of June]


Other acceptable answers would have been, wife and/or boat!!!

(Jim doesn't own me, Diane!)

[Bill]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf, the house, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, when you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


Moral: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right . . . and the other one is the husband.

--Bill

[bdurrett]

Originally Posted by Bill

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf, the house, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, when you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


Moral: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right . . . and the other one is the husband.

--Bill

That just goes hand in hand with the old Hawai'ian saying:

"When Mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy...
When Papa ain't happy, don't nobody care!"

[Donna]

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think
you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching,while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery.

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's maths teacher."

[podge]

THE TOP FIVE SMART-ASS ANSWERS OF THE YEAR *
*Smart-Ass Answer #5 *

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

*Smart-Ass Answer #4 *

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a butcher, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The butcher replied, "No, ma'am, they're dead."

*Smart-Ass Answer #3 *

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

*Smart-Ass Answer #2 *

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads 'Low bridge ahead'. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

*Smart-Ass Answer #1 *

The SMART-ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR "THE TEACHER "
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, Class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand!"

[Oldsarge]

Something we should all keep in mind . . .

[podge]

Last month, University of Botswana scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1-hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:



1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologise when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating. No further testing was considered necessary.




A big sorry to all the lovely female members but I just couldn’t resist.

[podge]

Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The iTit will cost £299 to £399 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.


Once again no offence meant, but you have to admit it is funny.

[Adrian]

Somewhere some place, the countdown has started Podge. Better start running while you can!

[Ricochet]

I'm sure that somewhere in a mad-lab somebody is already working on that iTit thingy...
probably the same guys that developed the iPod Vibrator, which vibrates in the rythm of the song playing.
arktis.de - iPod Vibrator

It comes with a cable splitter, so you can use your headphones to listen to the music that's "playing". Or you can combine it with iHome, which got a wake-up function (alarm clock).... imagin the possibilities!!!

[bdurrett]

Originally Posted by Ricochet

<...snip...>
Or you can combine it with iHome, which got a wake-up function (alarm clock).... imagin the possibilities!!!

I don't think I WANT to imagine them!

[Ricochet]

Originally Posted by bdurrett

I don't think I WANT to imagine them!

Well, you're not part of the target group, anyway.