Jokes Thread!!!

[podge]

Subject: Dwarf buying horse



A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm, "I'd like to buy a horth "he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.
So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth? " So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?
"Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... Can I see her eerth? " the dwarf says. The owner is getting fed up but again picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth.' He says,
"Now...can I see her twot? "
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horse's v*gina.
He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and says:
"Perhaps I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?"


My sincere apologies for any diving dwarfs with a lisp but this is the best one I’ve heard for quite a while.

[Bill]

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough," says Green.

The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later he's back, and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."

[Freediver81]

CHINESE WEDDING NIGHT
>> A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told,
>> he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding
>> night,
> she
>> cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the
> darkness.
>>
>> He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My
> darring,"
>> he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I
> pomise
>> you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you
> want.
>> You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced
and

>> worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
>>
>> A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly)
for

>> her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try
> someting
>> I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69."
>>
>> More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a
puzzled

>> tone he asks her...
>>
>> "You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"

[Bill]

A new study has just been released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their butts.

1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care: They love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

[fcallagy]

12 March 2005
Jon Walker
Store Manager
Kmart store 4855
Summit Ridge, Reno, NV, 89503
Mrs. Fenton
35 Rasmussen Street
Moores Park, Reno, NV, 89503
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
During the preceding 6 months our security staff has been monitoring your husbands activities while in our store. The
list below details his offences, all of which have been verified by our surveillance cameras and we have retained copies
on tape.
We have repeatedly given your husband verbal warnings while he is in this store and he has subsequently ignored
them. He replied to these warning with rudeness and the response “while the wife shops here I will come here too”. We
are therefore forced to ban you, your husband and your family from this store.
The following list details your husbands activates in this store over the past six months.
June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares and watched what
happened.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-buy.
September 14: Moved a 'Caution - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite the in if they'll bring pillows.
September 23: If any staff offers him assistance he begins to cry and asks, “Why can't you people just leave me alone?”
October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it a mirror, and picked his nose.
November 10: While in the gun department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna Look" using different size funnels.
December 18: Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO!
NO! It's those voices again!"
December 23: Went in the fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet
paper in here!
John F. Walker
Store Manager

[naiad]

Maybe I shouldn't be laughing at other people's idea of a sport, but...
International Federation of Competitive Eating - IFOCE

[fcallagy]

See pic below, for some background info there was a major accidental coke haul last week over E100 million they reckon the rib they were transporting it capsized and they have detained a boat in Spain which they think is the mother boat. Adrian? I think we should know


Attachment 14334

[bdurrett]

Originally Posted by fcallagy

See pic below, for some background info there was a major accidental coke haul last week over E100 million they reckon the rib they were transporting it capsized and they have detained a boat in Spain which they think is the mother boat. Adrian? I think we should know


Attachment 14334

I don't know about that one... There are a couple of dead fish under that "line" in the photo.... imagine snorting one of those babies

[naiad]

A combined fish tank and toilet...
UnderwaterTimes | Company Introduces Fish'n Flush, Part Toilet, Part Fish Tank; 'An Attention Getter'

[swampfoxgolf]

your mom is like a brick flat on both sides and got laid by a construction worker

[swampfoxgolf]

your mom is like a vacuum clearner she blows, she sucks, and she got laid in the closet

[swampfoxgolf]

your mom is like a moped fun to ride until your friends find out

[naiad]

Found this interesting fact in a fitness article about swimming:

American research suggests that you use up 25% more calories in water than you would if you were swimming through air.

[podge]

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE,
YOU CAN'T BEAT EXPERIENCE !!!!!

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and
would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and
a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a
couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he
now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady
who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to
1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to
that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the
goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl
home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in
the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and
have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold
you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,
put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens

[naiad]

BBC NEWS | Scotland | Edinburgh and East | 'Offensive' SN07 car plate banned