Jokes Thread!!!

[Tony Babowicz]

once, on mount Olympus,the greek gods decided to have an orgy. They invited every god,every goddess, and every nymph they could get in touch with at the time. The party lasted all day, all night, and into the next day. That evening, one of the gods woke up and saw the most beautiful nymph on the other side of the room also awake and getting dressed. Amazed at her beauty, he decided to go over and introduce himself. "Why hello" said the god. "I'm Thor" . "You're Thor?" exclaimed the beautiful nymph. "I'm tho thore, I can't pith!!!"

[Paul Kotik]

Guy walks into his house carrying a duck under his arm...

[shoutatthesky]

Originally Posted by Paul Kotik

Guy walks into his house carrying a duck under his arm...

Turns out he was narcoleptic. He fell asleep, fell over and the duck was killed

[Paul Kotik]

Originally Posted by shoutatthesky

Turns out he was narcoleptic. He fell asleep, fell over and the duck was killed

Nah.

Guy walks into his house carrying a duck under his arm. Cries out: " Look, here's the pig I've been screwing!!"

Wife looks up from Oprah, sneers, says: " You moron, that's a duck."

Guy says: " Shut up! I was talking to the duck."

[shoutatthesky]

OK that ending is far better

Husband emerges from the bathroom naked and is climbing into bed when his wife complains, as usual, "I have a headache"
"Perfect," her husband says. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

[Paul Kotik]

Originally Posted by shoutatthesky

OK that ending is far better

Husband emerges from the bathroom naked and is climbing into bed when his wife complains, as usual, "I have a headache"
"Perfect," her husband says. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

You win, old chap.

[Bill]

First liar hasn't got a chance.

[Trelawney]

A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store.
As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, 'What size condoms?'
The customer replied that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers.
He did.
She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over The intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5'
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most Of us was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers.
He did.
She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Till 5.'
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers and he did.
She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up The Intercom and said..............
'Mop and bucket, Till 5'

[shoutatthesky]

How do you stop your wife/ husband/ partner arguing in the lounge?

[shoutatthesky]

Shorten their chain so they can't get out of the kitchen!

[MrCoombe]

what did the fish say when it swam into a wall?




Dam!

[Tony Babowicz]

How the F##k did this wall get here?

[deep thinker]

A few offish jokes but hey they get a bit of a smile and sorry in advance if they offend someone

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your
new car.

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Q. What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

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Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

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Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

===========================================

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

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Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

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Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

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Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

===============================================

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A . They don't have balls to scratch!

================================================

[Freediver81]

Old one but still a good one!


A woman's husband had been slipping in & out of a coma now for several
> >months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
> >
> >
> >
> >One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him, he whispered,
> >eyes full of tears, " You have been with me all through the bad times. When
> >I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you
> >were there. When we lost the house, you stayed. When I got shot, you were
> >right by my side. You know what ? "
> >
> >
> >
> >"What dear ?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
> >warmth for the man she loved.
> >
> >
> >
> >" I think your bad luck, f**k off. "
> >

[Freediver81]

The accident





A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now
you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something
happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in
the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

Now the man groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000
compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a
new penis that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But
the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand dollars an inch.'

The man perks up at this.

'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches
you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean,
if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher
she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you
decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed.
So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

So the man agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the
next day.

'So,' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the fellow.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor. .

'We're getting a new kitchen!'