Jokes Thread!!!

[spfoto]

A woman was on a quiz show doing really well but just before the final question time ran out. She would have to go back to face it next week.

If she got the last question correct she stood to win a small fortune.

All week long she fretted over what the question would be about, spent a few sleepless nights poring over encyclopedias hoping she might stumble across a fact relating to the question. Towards the end of the week she was shattered.

"I can't do this." she told her husband. "I'm a nervous wreck and now I'm going to look like a complete idiot in front of the entire nation."

Her husband said "I think I may be able to sort this out. I will be gone for some hours."

It was way after midnight when he returned. He said to his wife "I know what the question will be. They are going to ask you 'What are the 3 major organs in a man's body that are fundamentally different to a woman's. The answer is the brain, the heart and the penis'"

"How on earth did you find that out?" the woman asked.

"While you were waiting to go on camera last week, the presenter was chatting me up. I said I was happily married but she gave me her number and said if I changed my mind give her a call. So that's what I did tonight. Don't worry about it Darling, it meant nothing to me and now we can be rich."

They went to bed. At 2 am the husband woke his wife and asked if she remembered the answer.

She said "No, I'm too tired." He said "Brain, heart and penis. Just keep repeating it to yourself."

He woke her up every hour with the same question and had a similar response, finally deciding at 7.00 am to let her sleep. At midday he woke her saying they had to get ready to go to the studio. As she cleaned her teeth he asked her if she remembered the answer.

She said "Grain art and penisshh"

"Good" said the husband.

At the studio while the woman was being made up for the lights, the presenter sidled over to the husband and said "You were fabulous last night Big Boy. I can see why you have such abundent sexual energy from what you said about your wife being frigid and never even satisfying you with a blow job. Maybe you'll have time in my dressing room after the show while the silly cow is counting her winnings?"

The camera's focussed on the woman's face as the presenter said "You know the rules by now... you have ten seconds to answer your final question and if you get it right, you will walk away with a million pounds. Here is the question... "What are the 3 major organs in a man's body that are fundamentally different to a woman's. The clock starts now."

The woman drew in her breath and said "The brain...."

Tick.. tick.. tick.. "And the heart...." Tick.. tick.. tick.. tick.. tick.. tick.. "My husband was drilling it into me all night long yesterday and I had it on the tip of my tongue just before we went on air..."

The presenter glowered at the husband and said "Ok, that's near enough! This programme is being transmitted before the watershed"

[Groupermadness]

An Asian woman goes into a bank in Glasgow and begins exchanging her money.
After the transaction is complete she asks the teller, "Whyit change?
Yestoday I get two hunat pound fo my money, today I only get a hunat
eighty?"
The teller says very slowly, "Fluctuations."
The Asian woman says, "Fluc you scots too!"

[marginatus]

Originally Posted by Groupermadness

An Asian woman goes into a bank in Glasgow and begins exchanging her money.
After the transaction is complete she asks the teller, "Whyit change?
Yestoday I get two hunat pound fo my money, today I only get a hunat
eighty?"
The teller says very slowly, "Fluctuations."
The Asian woman says, "Fluc you scots too!"

that was really funny

[Donna]

A man boarded a plane at Sydney airport. As he was taking his seat and
settling in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the aircraft. He
realized she was heading straight towards his seat, and bingo! She took the
seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out:
"Business trip or holiday?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States ."

The man swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business
role at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he smiled, "What myths are those?"

"Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are
the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is
most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men
are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have
also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", she said.
"I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your
name!"

"Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but all my friends call me
Paddy."

[Donna]

A little old lady was sitting in front of the fire with her favourite Tomcat on her knee . Suddenly there was a loud bang , a cloud of smoke , and a fairy appeared out of the fire .
"Little old lady " she spake " I can give you three wishes , What would you like "
"First I would lke to be financially secure and live in a nice house for the rest of my life "
The fairy waved her wand and the room was transformed into a luxurious drawing room with sacks of gold on the table !
"Next wish please" quoth the fairy
"Please make me young and beautiful" The fairy again waved her wand and she turned into a glamorous blonde , " For my third wish I would like you to turn my Tomcat into a handsome young man" , Immediately , standing befor her was a fine specimen of manhood who stepped forward and took the now glamorous blondes hand and kissed it , saying " Aren't you sorry now that you took me to the vet ? !

[Freediver81]

An Older woman gets pulled over for speeding..........



Older Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?".
Officer: "Ma'am you were speeding".

Older Woman: ‘Oh, I see’.
Officer: ‘Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: ‘I'd give it to you but I don't have one’.
Officer: ‘Don't have one?
Older Woman: ‘Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving’.
Officer: ‘I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?.
Older Woman: ‘I can't do that’.
Officer: ‘Why not?
Older Woman: ‘I stole this car’.
Officer: ‘Stole it?
Older Woman: ‘Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner’.
Officer: ‘You what?
Older Woman: ‘His body parts are in plastic bags in the boot if you want to see’.


The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowily approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: ‘Ma'am, will you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

The Older woman: ‘Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: ‘One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner’.
Older Woman: ‘Murdered the owner’?
Officer 2: ‘Yes, will you please open the boot of your car, please’.


The woman opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.


Officer 2: ‘Is this your car, ma'am’?
Older Woman: ‘Yes, here are the registration papers.’

The officer is quite stunned.


Officer 2: ‘One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence’.


The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.


Officer 2: ‘Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, that you stole this car and that you murdered and hacked up the owner'

Older Woman: "Bet the bastard told you I was speeding too".

[spfoto]

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."

From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout.

The Judge thunders back, "If you don''t tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"

"I''ve lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a goddamned tool when I needed to borrow one!"

[penguinator]

Why are wedding dresses white??


So the bride can blend in with the kitchen appliances

[Lockedin]

Apple
computers announced today the development of a computer chip that can
be implanted into a woman's breast and play music.



The I-breast will cost 399 euro and is regarded as a major breakthrough as
women are always moaning that men just stare at their breasts and never
listen to them.

[Freediver81]

An Australian is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his

watch several times in the space of a few minutes.



The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running

late?"



"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just

testing it."



The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so

special

about it?" The Aussie explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me

telepathically."



The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"



"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."



The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am

wearing panties!''



The Aussie smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's running

about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?

[Freediver81]

Men Do Remember Anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive
"Yes, I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...

"I would have gotten out today."

[spfoto]

Several years before the Gulf War, a female journalist did a story on gender roles in Kuwait. She noted that there it was customary for women to walk 10 feet behind their husbands.

After the war, she returned to Kuwait and was pleased to observe that now the men walked 10 feet behind their wives. She approached a woman at the airport and asked, "What enabled Kuwaiti women to achieve this role reversal?"

The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."

[Freediver81]

Three snails, Mick, Phil and Ian, decide to go on a picnic. They pack a picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is a mile away so it takes them ten days to get there. When they do, Mick unpacks the food and beer.


'Ok Ian give me the bottle opener', 'I didn't bring it' says Ian . 'I thought you packed it'. Mick gets worried, he turns to Phil,’ Did you bring the bottle opener'.
Naturally Phil didn't bring it.



So they're stuck a mile from anywhere without a bottle opener. They both beg Ian to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches when he's gone. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their snail lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.



So Ian sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Phil are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Ian pops up from behind a rock and shouts 'I knew it'......I'm not F***ing going'

[Pastor]

Liverpool FC have made two new signings - a Japanese lad and an Italian. Rafa Benitez says they should fit in well with Liverpool's style.
Their names?
Nickamota and Robatelli.




A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".
The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just
got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his
nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black
Mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals
will also be provided and you will also be required to escort
the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The salary package is
£200,000 a year".

The scouser said "You're bullshitting me!"

The man behind the counter said "Well you bloody started it!"

[spfoto]

[COLOR=#000000! important]The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.
She took her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes,
and then in a fit of inspiration took her purse out, removed a coin and started tossing the coin
and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class was sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she was seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she said, "I am rechecking my answers."
[/color]