Jokes Thread!!!

[spfoto]

Following concerns about the increasing complexity of traffic junctions, the Ministry of Transport has announced that as from next year, the traditional three traffic light colours of red, amber and green will be joined by an additional colour – blue.

‘The three colours were fine when it was a simple case of stop, get ready, go!’ said junior transport minister Keith Pinder MP. ‘But this new light brings more possibilities at our increasingly busy traffic junctions.’

According to the minister’s official statement, the Highway Code will now recommend the following responses at light-controlled junctions:
*Red; Stop!
*Amber; Stop, unless it would cause an accident to do so.
*Green; Proceed with caution.
*Blue; edge forward looking confused; realise that you shouldn’t be in the little yellow box; panic; reverse without looking; break headlights of car behind.

‘If blue comes after amber, it signifies ‘check mirror for police cars, accelerate through changing light, swerve to avoid swearing cyclist…’ continued Keith Pinder MP. ‘However, if blue appears at the same time as red, amber and green, it means you have been eating magic mushrooms and should not be in control of a motor vehicle.’

‘For pedestrians there will also be additional figures. As well as the little red man standing still and the green man crossing the road, there will be a little purple man darting between the stationary traffic and then nearly getting knocked down by a moped delivering pizza.’

To the surprise of the journalists who had attended the press conference the minister then read the final paragraph from the official statement that had been prepared by one of his civil servants; ‘By the way, this is all complete *******s, but I knew he’d just read it out. In future Keith do not attempt to grope me in the stationary cupboard; I am not your bitch.’

The government denied that the whole announcement was an embarrassing mistake and are pressing ahead with the new lights next year.

[podge]

Something to offend everybody!

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe.."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USAfairytale and a southern USAfairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

[Pastor]

Two Scousers are on holiday in South Africa, hanging out on the riverbank. Suddenly a crocodile swims past with a blokes head in its mouth. "Kinell Terry, did you see that fella?" "I did Barry - and the flash b@st@rd's got a LaCoste sleeping bag"

[Freediver81]

After getting Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light!), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"

[deep thinker]

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fook me", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."

[deep thinker]

Hi all,


Im going for a op at 09:00 tomorrow morning in Medi Clinic Paarl.

Theyre doing a visiorektomy. They snip the little muscle between your eye and your a#$h*&e, so that you dont have such a s&%ty outlook on life.

Send money instead of flowers, they rot

[Freediver81]

Man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[Groupermadness]

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

[Groupermadness]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

[Groupermadness]

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh#t?"

[Freediver81]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow, "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my
horse....ALONE."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by Both ears, looks him square in the eyes and says, "Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for the last time............I did not say bring pussy,
I said BRING POSSE!!!!

[Freediver81]

Test for Dementia



B elow are four ( 4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of themimmediately . OK?


Let's find out just how clever you really are....



Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)












First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, butdon't take as much time as you took for the first question,OK ?

Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down)







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?


You're not very good at this, are you?






Third Question:

Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your headonly .. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000and add40 to it. Now add another1000 . Now add30 .. Add another1000 .. Now add 20. Now add another1000 .. Now add 10 .. What is the total?


Scroll down for answer.....












~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you get5000 ?


The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe.



Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?








~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu?NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?








~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.


PASS TH IS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!

Have a nice day everyone

[podge]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying
to teach good manners, asked her students the followingquestion:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner witha nice
young lady, how would you tell her that you haveto go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would berude and impolite."

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, " I am sorry, but I really need togo to thebathroom. I'll be right back. "
"That's better, but it's still not very nice tosay the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain foronce and show us your good
manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused fora moment? I have to shake hands with a very dearfriend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to afterdinner."

The teacher fainted...

[Freediver81]

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'

.. . and that's when the fight started .

[shoutatthesky]

Jim was at his therapist's office. In th