Jokes Thread!!!

[Donna]

- can't green you Said, so you can have a virtual one instead

[hyeparis]

I kind of like this guy's program. Too bad I can't vote for him.

COLUMBIA, South Carolina (AP) _ Comedian Stephen Colbert's fanciful White House bid took a real step Thursday.
It's up to South Carolina Democrats to decide whether to take him seriously.
Colbert, who poses as a conservative talk show host on the Comedy Central cable network, filed to get on the ballot as a Democratic candidate in his native South Carolina. His campaign paid a $2,500 (¤1,733) filing fee just before the noon deadline, said state Democratic Party Chairwoman Carol Fowler.
Whether he will appear on the ballot will be decided by party officials later Thursday.
The host of «The Colbert Report» does not appear to meet the party's viable candidate qualification. And it is unclear if he would meet the requirement that candidates actively campaign in the state.
Colbert did appear Sunday at the University of South Carolina in Columbia, telling several hundred fans he would, if elected, «crush the state of Georgia.» He also received a key to the capital city and the mayor declared him South Carolina's «favorite son.»
When Colbert announced his candidacy on his show last month, he said he would run only in this key primary state.

[Donna]

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

'So, how is everything going?' enquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain,' reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced,' as she put it.

'That is a fair point,' replied God, ' But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.' And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, ' But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see............where did I put that useless tit?

[Donna]

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach, when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I grant you one wish"

The biker pulled over and said "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over any time I want.” The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic!
Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.

Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind. The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, " Lord I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy"

The Lord replied, " You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[hyeparis]

If I had to choose between a bridge and understanding women, I would have chosen the Harley

[slingshaft]

Hey Hyeparis, AMEN

[hyeparis]

Slingshaft, thanks! Great minds think alike!

[podge]

Hope this ones not too risky but it made me roar.

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two
stunning 20 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
Fook off you liar!".
I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

[Bill]

Well, it's not a mid-life crisis, but here's how things worked out for me. Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and the lawyer would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed...

[hyeparis]

If the following is true, it would be totally in line with the Bowfinger script
Tom Cruise building '£5m bunker to protect against alien attack'
28.09.07
Hollywood star Tom Cruise is planning to build a bunker at his Colorado home to protect his family in the event of an intergalactic alien attack, according to new reports.
The Mission Impossible actor, who is a dedicated follower of Scientology, is reportedly fearful that deposed galactic ruler 'Xenu' is plotting an evil revenge attack on Earth.
http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/showbi...39;/article.do

[Adrian]

Sounds like he's being attacked by a mid life crisis. Thanks for the report.

[Bill]

Special Holiday announcement...

No Halloween or Thanksgiving in Arkansas

The state of Arkansas recently announced that Halloween and Thanksgiving will no longer be a state holiday.



The witch left for New York,and took the turkey with her.

[hyeparis]

Originally Posted by Adrian

Sounds like he's being attacked by a mid life crisis. Thanks for the report.

You are welcome! It just reminded of the Bowfinger movie where the famous actor Kit Ramsey character played by Eddie Murphy is a devotee of Mindhead and has phobias, including evil aliens

[deep thinker]

Sadly, Tony was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting, but at the end of the interview, Tony asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply.
Tony did not appreciate his honesty and threw him out of the office
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."

Tony again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.
The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. He was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart, he was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.

Tony was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:"Do you notice anything different about me?"
Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?"

Tony was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked.
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,
"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f**king ears!!"

[deep thinker]

For his birthday Little Matt asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the bond on this house is R680 000.00 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Matt heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Matt told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an R680 000.00 bond and no…
F**king Bike!"