Jokes Thread!!!

[Trelawney]

12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on TV & Radio

1. PatGlenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New ZealandRugby Commentator - "AndrewMehrtens loves it when DarylGibson comes inside of him."

3. TedWalsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. HarryCarpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator -"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .....Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

6. CarenzaLewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live 'said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. SteveRyder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after getting a 69 yesterday."

9. ClairFrisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10 MikeHallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "StephenHendry jumps on SteveDavis's misses every chance he gets."

11. MichaelBuerk on watching PhillipaForrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

12. KenBrown commentating on golfer NickFaldo and his caddie FannySunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Also there is the one where a female commentator asks Ally McCoist - after he is taken off before half time - "So Ally how does it feel being pulled off at half time" - to which he answered - "It's gotta be better than cream cakes and tea!!!

[deep thinker]

For those who think they know everything

The liquid inside young coconuts
can be used as a substitute for
Blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half
more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually
than plane crashes

You burn more calories sleeping
than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns
until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code
was Wrigley's gum.

The King of Hearts is the only king
WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987
by eliminating one (1) olive
from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
(Since Venus is normally associated with women,

what does this tell you!)

Apples, not caffeine,
are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from
DEAD SKIN!

The first owner of the Marlboro Company
died of lung cancer.

So did the first " Marlboro Man. "

Walt Disney was afraid
OF MICE!

PEARLS MELT
IN VINEGAR!

The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...
but, not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo,
and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush
be kept at least six (6) feet away from
a toilet to avoid airborne particles
resulting from the flush.

(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

And the best for last.....
Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(I know some people like that, don't YOU?)

You now know everything and a bit

[podge]

"True" Friendship
None of that Sissy Crap
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, But never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-
Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will take the piss out of you about it, every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whinging.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at you
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;
"because you are my friend".

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

[land shark]

jeese Podge I think I feel a group hug comming on?

[Freediver81]

A cop is patrolling late at night in a well-known spot.



He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.



The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.



Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer
Magazine.



He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled
by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently
raps
on the driver's window.



The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"



The cop says: "What are you doing?"



The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."



Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And
her,
what is she doing?"



The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover
sweater."


Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at

night in a Lover's lane... And nothing obscene is happening!



The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm
18,
sir."



The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"



The young man looks at his watch and replies:



"She'll be 16 in 11minutes.

[podge]

Homebase and Focus DIY Superstore Scam Beware off your Wallet!!!

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to you
as you are packing your shopping into the boot of your car. They both
start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windowlene, with their
breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is
impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip,
they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Homebase
or Focus store.
You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and
starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,
17th, 20th, & 24th. Also November 1st, 4th, twice on the 5th, three
times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.

[hyeparis]

A great guide to this world
http://www.theonion.com/content/atlas/

[Bill]

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearchr at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs psas it on.

*

[deep thinker]

[spfoto]

Teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?'
Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit'

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'

Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher. ' If you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit'

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'

'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing stones at me and calling me nasty names'

'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit'

[Freediver81]

A London Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow Copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the Cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow Cop's expense.

Glasgow Cop says," Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer asks, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer replies, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow Cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer asks, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow Cop replies, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow Cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow Cop takes out his baton and starts beating the cr*p out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[Freediver81]

Xmas Joke





A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her

new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety

violation. The cop said, 'Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on

the back of it.'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there

Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure

did!!!'



The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa the

dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.'

[shoutatthesky]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and had decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me - her younger sister. She was beautiful, had a wonderful figure, and made it clear she found me attractive. The wedding preparations were in full swing when my fiancée had to go away for a few days in connection with her job. The evening after she went I had a call from her sister telling me she was sending out the invitations, and there were one or two queries regarding the addresses of my friends and family. Could I possibly go over to the house and help her sort them out? When I reached the house and she opened the door I was stunned, as I had never seen her look more beautiful or alluring. As soon as I was inside she flung her arms round me and said "I'm afraid I made up an excuse to get you here. I have always fancied you, and the family have all gone out. Do you think we could - you know - just once, before you get married?" She turned and set off up the stairs. For a moment I was stunned and frozen in shock, then I turned resolutely and made for the front door. I went straight through it, and walked purposefully towards my car. As I reached it my future parents-in-law stepped out from behind the hedge, faces wreathed in smiles and slightly moist around the eyes. My fiancée's mother hugged me, and her father said "We are so happy you passed our little test. We couldn't wish for a better husband for our daughter. Welcome to the family!" And the moral of this story is - always keep your condoms in your car

[spfoto]

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The man places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks, "What if I swallow it?" "No problem, son," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."