Jokes Thread!!!

[BatRay]

Originally Posted by podge

When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
and his throat gets dry,
he goes weak in the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally.



Ever wondered why?


Because she smells like a new truck

So that's why the ex loved the leather motorcycle pants so much

[colt.45]

does any one here get offended by racial jokes?

[Freediver81]

Originally Posted by colt.45

does any one here get offended by racial jokes?

In my opinion, we better not go there, not worth the risk.

Said

[Freediver81]

A teacher is explaining biology to her junior students............

'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a cat who stuttered', she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my cat and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been very scary', said the teacher.

'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My cat raised his back, and went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff' ...... And before he could say 'F#ck', the Rottweiler ate him!'

[Freediver81]

Two friends were about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a third man calls out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show.'
'Sure,' they say.
They start playing, enjoying the game and each others company when one of the friends asks the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'
'I'm a hit man, ' the guy says.
'You're joking!'
'No, I am. Here the tool of my trade,' he says reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
'That's some rifle,' the other friends says. 'Can I take a look?’ The friend picks it up, looks through the sight and remarks, ‘This is fantastic. I can see my house from here. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha ha. She’s naked... Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her... and he's naked too!’
The friend turns to the hit man and asks, 'How much do you charge?'
'I have a flat rate. One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'
'Can you do two for me right now?'
'Sure, what do you want?’
'First, kill my wife. She's always been a mouthy slag so shoot her in the mouth. Then shoot my neighbour. He’s hasn't been too bad a bloke so don’t kill him. Just teach him a lesson. Shoot his dick off.’
Without a word the hit man raises the rifle, takes aim… but doesn't move a muscle for at least a minute.
'Are you going to do it or not?' the friend asks impatiently.
'Be cool,’ the hit man replies calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand…'

[spfoto]

A millionaire takes his pet dachshund on safari to Africa. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and gets lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard eyeing him up with the obvious intention of having a snack.
The dachshund notices some bones on the ground next to him and starts chewing one, with his back to the approaching leopard.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund say loudly: "Blimey, that was a delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here for me to kill and eat."
Hearing this, the leopard stops his attack in mid-stride and slinks away saying "Phew, that was close. He nearly had me."
A monkey who has been watching the scene jumps down from his tree and tells the dachshund he is going to spill the beans to the leopard.
The monkey catches up with the leopard and strikes a deal. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says: "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
The dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back. Instead of running, he sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
Just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says to himself:
"Where's that bl**dy monkey got to? I sent him off ages ago to find me another leopard."

[Freediver81]

Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards
are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.



Here is the glorious Winner:



1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended

victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber

James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered

down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.



And now, the Honorable Mentions:



2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a

meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company.

The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a

look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.

The chef's claim was approved.



3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car

during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a

woman had taken the space...understandably, he shot her.



4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus

driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be

transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to

admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and

offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the

passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the

patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The

deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.



5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious

head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he

received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying

to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he

was hit.



6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the

counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash

drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the

register r, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash

from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The

total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15. (If someone points

a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)



7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided

that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,

grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved

it over his head at the window. The cinder block boun ced back and

hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The

liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was

caught on videotape.



8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man

grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the

woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.

Within minutes, the police apprehended the purse snatcher. They put

him in the car and drove back to the store . The thief was then

taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To

which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole

the purse from."



9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a

Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 a.m. , flashed a gun, and

demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't

open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered

onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.

The man, frustrated, walked away.



***** 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER *****



10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked

on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police

arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a

motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man

admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose

into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the

vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh

he'd ever had.

[Freediver81]

Marital Bliss...........

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for An hour."
Husband : "I was just looking for the expiration date."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes and no."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet to the office. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible,
I look at Your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes!! "I see your picture and say to myself,
"What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman re plied sweetly, "I'd have married you,
NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband:
"What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied:
"I like your sense of humor"

[Tony Babowicz]

Two good ol' boys in an Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd. "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute,scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."

[Freediver81]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," cowboy offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the #$%$)@ out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

[apneaboy]

Before Having Kids: 15 sessions for looking after children you can try before having any.

Session 1:

Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up a newspaper. Read it for the last
time.

Session 2:

Before you go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and advise them how to improve:
1) Their methods of discipline.
2) Their lack of patience.
3) Their appallingly low tolerance levels.
4) Their practice of allowing their children to run wild.
5) Their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Session 3:

To discover how the nights will feel . . .
1) Walk around the living room from 5:00 pm to 10:00 pm carrying a wet bag of old lentil soup weighing approximately 4-6 kg, with a radio tuned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2) At 10:00 pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3) Get up at 12:00 pm and walk the bag around the living room until
1am.
4) Set the alarm for 3:00 am.
5) As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2:00 am and make a cup of tea.
6) Go to bed at 2:45 am.
7) Sing songs in the dark until 4:00 am.
8) Get up. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

Session 4:

Dressing small children is not as easy at it seems.
1) Buy a live octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2) Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

Session 5:

Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5-door saloon. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1) Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove
compartment.
Leave it there.
2) Get a coin. Insert it in the cassette player.
3) Take a family size package of chocolate biscuits, mash them into the back seat.
4) Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. . .
perfect!

Session 6:

Get ready to go out.

> 1) Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour.
> 2) Go out the front door.
> 3) Come in again.
> 4) Go out.
> 5) Come back in.
> 6) Go out again.
> 7) Walk down the front path/driveway.
> 8) Walk back up it.
> 9) Walk down it again.
> 10) Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
> 11) Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
> 12) Retrace your steps.
> 13) Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
> 14) Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Session 7:

Repeat everything at least, if not more than, 100 times.
>
> Session 8:
>
> Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can
> find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is excellent). If you
> intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your
> week's groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay
> for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily
> accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
>
> Session 9:
>
> 1) Hollow out a melon.
> 2) Make a small hole in the side.
> 3) Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
> 4) Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
> 5) Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
> 6) Tip half of the remainder into your lap. The other half just
> throw up in the air.
>
> You are now ready to feed a 12 month old baby.
>
> Session 10:
>
> Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney,
> Teletubbies and Disney. Watch nothing else on TV for at least five
years.
>
> Session 11:
>
> Move to the tropics. Find or make a compost heap. Dig down about
> halfway in and stick your nose in it. Do this 3-5 times a day for two
> years. Get used to it.
>
> Session 12:

Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter shouting "Mummy" repeatedly.(Important: No more than a four second delay between each "Mummy" - occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years.

> You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
>
> Session 13:

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continuously tug on your skirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while playing the "Mummy" tape made from Lesson 12 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
>
Session 14:

Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day in which you have an important meeting. Now:
1) Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it.
2) Stir.
3) Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
4) Attempt to clean your shirt with the saturated towel.
5) Do NOT change. You have no time.
6) Go directly to work.

Session 15:

Go for a drive, but first...
1) Find one large tomcat and six pit bulls.
2) Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your
car.
3) Put the pit bulls in the front seat of your car.
4) While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the child seat. For the really adventurous...run some errands, remove and replace the cat at each stop.

Congratulations! You are now ready to have kids!

[podge]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'Hunting Flies' he responded.

'Oh! Killing any?' she asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked,
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.'

[Bill McIntyre]

McCain responds to New York Times article questioning his relationship with female lobbyist.

February 21, 2008
McCain: Lobbyist Did Not Force Me into Positions


Would Not Try Out New Positions at His Age, Mac Says


One day after The New York Times published an article raising ethical
questions about Sen. John McCain's dealings with lobbyist Vicki Iseman, the
Arizona senator pushed back today at a press conference in Cleveland, telling
reporters, "Vicky Iseman did not force me into any
positions."

Calling suggestions that Ms. Iseman could make him assume a different
position "ridiculous," Sen. McCain said, "At my age, I'm not about to try out new
positions that I'm uncomfortable with."

While Mr. McCain was vague about his official dealings with Ms. Iseman, he
told reporters, "I would not allow a lobbyist to perform any favor for me
unless it felt really, really good."

The Republican frontrunner said that neither he nor Ms. Iseman had been
aware that The New York Times was conducting an investigation into their
relationship, adding, "Vicki and I have been in the dark together for a long time."

But he vehemently defended the lobbyist's professionalism, telling
reporters, "Vicki Iseman is an energetic and passionate woman who has bent over
backwards to please me."

Early reaction to Sen. McCain's comments was mixed, with some Republicans
wondering whether he had done himself more harm than good.

But Mr. McCain did receive high marks from at least one Senate colleague,
Sen. Larry Craig (R-Id.).

"I called John today to offer him my encouragement," Sen. Craig said. "I
said, 'It's hard, and it's going to get harder, but stick it out.'"

[spfoto]

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly,
made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to
hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential down pour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the
wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out
fishing in that ?'