Jokes Thread!!!

[Bill McIntyre]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop.

I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a
cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a 'Nazi.'

He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.'

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that
he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, 'McCain in '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

[spfoto]

Two pieces of Tarmac were sitting in a roadside pub chatting.

One said to the other, "So, what sort of place do you lie in"

"The A6, its a tough job, lots of traffic but I love it; especially at night when its quiet"

"Pah!" exclaimed t'other "A6 indeed! I lie on the M6, that's a real road! Nothing bothers me, busy day and night, lorries, cars, police chases, I handle them all. No fear in me mate"

Just then the door opened and a fairly puny looking bit of Tarmac wandered in, the M6 Tarmac went as white as the white line and ducked under the table.

"What the Hell's up with you?", said the A6 Tarmac,"you said you were scared of nothing and you're hiding from that little bit over there"

"Quiet" said M6, "that guy's a cyclepath!"

[Freediver81]

Subject: Well-connected Dan

Dan was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there
is
to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about
Tom
Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dan and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's
door,
and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dan! What's happening? Great to see you! Come
on in
for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dan's boss is still sceptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Dan that he thinks him knowing Cruise was
just
lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dan says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dan say's, "Old
buddies,
let's fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Bush
spots
Dan on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dan, what
a
surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend
come on
in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After
they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dan, who
again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dan. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to
Rome.

Dan and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St.
Peter's
Square when Dan says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's
eye
among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me
just
go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dan emerges with the Pope on the
balcony,
but by the time Dan returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart
attack
and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dan asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the
Pope
came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the hell is
that on the balcony with Dan?"

[Whopperhead]

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:''Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?'' The bus driver shakes his head and says,''No, I'm sorry.'' At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: ''Will it take ME?''

[Tony Babowicz]

JUST A WEEEEE BIT
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman. Shortly there after he met a redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look em' over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter.The next day the redneck asked for the man's opinion. "Well", said the man, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls, so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the redneck again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect, she's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified, The baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well" explained the redneck...
"She was just a weeeee bit,not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."

[Whopperhead]

What's the easiest way to put a giraffe in a fridge?

By opening the door and putting it in.

[Freediver81]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I

kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at
a nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since."


My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating

that long?"

[Whopperhead]

A young man studying in a college abroad sent this SMS to his father: Dear dad, no mon, no fun, your son.
The father replied: Dear son, too bad, so sad, your dad.

[Whopperhead]

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

[Lockedin]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA IF.......

You eat a different ethnic food for every meal.

You know that if you drive two miles in any direction you will find a McDonald's or a Starbucks.

You know what "SigAlert", "PCH", and "The Five" mean.

You don't know anyone's phone number unless you check your cell phone.

Calling your neighbors requires knowing their area code.

Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

You drive next to a Lamborghini and don't notice.

You begin to "lie" to your friends about how close you are when you know that it'll take you at least an hour to get there (see below).

Getting anywhere from point A to point B, no matter what the distance, takes about "twenty minutes".

You drive to your neighborhood block party.

In the winter, you can go to the beach and ski at Big Bear on the same day.

You know what In-N-Out is and feel bad for all the other states because they don't have any.

You don't stop at a STOP sign, you do a California roll.

You think that Venice is a beach.

You call 911 and they put you on hold.

You have a gym membership because it's mandatory.

The gym is packed at 3pm, on a workday.

You think you are better than the people who live "Over the Hill." It doesn't matter on which side of the hill you are currently residing, you are just better than them, for whatever reason.

You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a "STORM WATCH" report on every news station.

The Terminator is your governor.

[Bill]

'In the winter, you can go to the beach and ski at Big Bear on the same day.'

... but on the weekend you'll need a helicopter to get there.

[SanderP]

[island_sands]

To All my beerboy friends... PODGE!! SPANIARD!

YouTube - Guinness Commercial Brilliant!

[Old Man Dave]

Never, never, never, never, never never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, FART in your wet suit.

[deep thinker]

A South Africanism but still true no matter where you go in the world....

A Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked
with an old Afrikaans farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm.'
The old Afrikaner said, 'OK Boet, but doesn't goes in that field over there.'

The Agriculture representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the
Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go
WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the
old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the
fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull
was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly
terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the
fence and shouted out.....

'Your card! Your card, Boet! Shows him your card!'