Jokes Thread!!!

[Whopperhead]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

[Freediver81]

>First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class
>with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table
>with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class
>by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important
>qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything
>involving the human body."
>
>
>For example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the
>butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and
>do
>the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated
>for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the
>butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
>
>
>When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The
>second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger
>and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

[apneaboy]

Tale of the Irish Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't
have a lot of money. Between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a
plan, Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I
can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
killin' me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage in the third pub

[island_sands]

YouTube - Rowan Atkinson

[island_sands]

and my old favourite... we did this in Abu Dhabi the other day nearly caused an accident

YouTube - Ministry of Silly Walks

[Tony Babowicz]

Bottle of wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling abouit woman drivers. The woman says"So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God!" "But you're at fault... and women shouldn't be allowed to drive."
The woman continues."And look at this, here is another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks"Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Women are clever evil bitches. Don't mess with them.

[Whopperhead]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," the woman replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

[bgill]

Question - How many people does it take to circumcise a whale?

Answer - Four skin divers !!!

[bgill]

Two divers rent a boat to go spear fishing. They spear some nice fish and return to the dock.The first one says, "I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish."The other answers, "Yup, I sure do...I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot.""You idiot!" cries the first guy, "How do you know we will get the same boat tomorrow?"

[bgill]

One day, a scuba diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever. The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, "Nice freediving...Awesome breathold!" The guy yanked the chalkboard and chalk away from the scuba diver, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

[Whopperhead]

Two bats are going for their midnight feed.
After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.
The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"
The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you."
After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"
The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!" Other bat says, "I didn't."

[Whopperhead]

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.
All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.
The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"
The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."
The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?" Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."

[SanderP]

lololol

[Whopperhead]

A man was visiting Spain and passed by a restaurant in Madrid after a bullfight. They were advertising that they served the balls of the bull who lost the bullfight. Intrigued, the man went inside, only to find that where was a six-week waiting list to get to eat the loser's balls. So he signed up and came back six weeks later. When he got his meal, there were two teeny, teeny balls on his plate. He called the waiter over to complain.
"I've waited six weeks for bull balls. What are these?" "Sir," the waiter said, "the bull doesn't always lose."

[apneaboy]

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then
travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.



And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!



Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.



Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop
to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.



Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.



Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.



Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk
and cheap lawn mower in the garage.



Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting
so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.



Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.



NOT TO MENTION..
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights
were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were
chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their
mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open
bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.



and finally...



In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst
throwing up into the toilet.