Jokes Thread!!!

[Whopperhead]

A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.
Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?
Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.
Interviewer: How did you get that hook?
Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.
Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?
Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.
Interviewer: And that put your eye out? Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.

[Freediver81]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in
her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private
area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when
she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable
movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling
him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral s** will do the trick
and bring her out of the coma."



The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that it was worth
trying and that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband
finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the
woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back
into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not
sure.... maybe she choked?"

[Whopperhead]

One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can''t afford a thing to eat."
So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you." The layer said, "You''re going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."

[octpora]

A pirate is walking around town with a ships wheel attached to his fly. Finally some guy says " you know you got a wheel on your fly?"

"Aye" says the pirate,"it's drivin me nuts"

[octpora]

An ancient arctic method for capturing a polar bear with only a shovel and a few frozen veggies:

first you have to dig a hole in the ice
next you place some green peas next to the pit
now wait.
A polar bear will be sure to investigate. When it goes to take a pea, you kick it in the ice-hole!

[Whopperhead]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her." The first man said."You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife,"
The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[SanderP]

I don't know if these have been here already, maybe I've even posted them myself, but imo they're funny as hell.

YouTube - Subtitles

YouTube - Americans are NOT stupid - WITH...

YouTube - Miss Teen USA South Carolina 2007 with...

[Whopperhead]

Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, ''Why did you do that??''
The trooper responds, ''You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!''
''I apologize sir, I'm not from around here.''
The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face.
''What was that for?'' asked the passenger. ''I know your kind,'' says the trooper, ''About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that Arse hole would have tried that crap with me!'''

[spfoto]

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in; She turned and said, "You've got to make love to me this
very moment. "His eyes lit up and he thought,
"This is my lucky day. "Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken..."

[Whopperhead]

The Vice President walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How long did it take you?" "Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

[island_sands]

YouTube - Rowan Atkinson Invisible Man

[spfoto]

A married couple is driving along the highway doing a steady fourty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband abruptly looks across at her, speaking in a clear voice, and says “Darling, I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.”

The wife says nothing, keeping her eyes on the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again, saying this time: “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a far better lover than you.”

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. “I want the house,” he demands. Up to 60 mph. “I want the car, too,” he continues. 65 mph! “And,” he says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards, the boat, and our dog!”

The car slowly begins veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: “Isn’t there anything you want?”

At last the wife replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. “No, I’ve got everything I need.” she says.

“Oh, really?” he inquires, “So what exactly have you got?

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and says…………… “The airbag.”

Never underestimate the rationalization of a woman.

[spfoto]

The Funeral Procession
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a very mean looking dog on a leash. Behind that were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."

[bgill]

Question - Is that a CORK in 'yer pocket there laddy?

Answer - No it's a home-made speartip protector...But my father now...He know a wee bit more 'bout cork than me...He once had job at a cork factory in Cork Ireland - His job was makin' sure all the cork floated - He was the official "Cork Soaker"!

[Whopperhead]

Q: What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls? A: Sparky!

I'm sorry, that's bad