Jokes Thread!!!

[SanderP]

[spfoto]

New Labour party - symbol

Just in - after the result of the Crewe and Nantwich by-election it has been decided that Labour will be changing their party symbol from a red rose to a condom;

The thinking is that this more accurately reflects the government`s political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security whilst you are actually being screwed.....

[apneaboy]

Of course not my personal work ethic according to Ms V.Gina!! Someone elses!! I'm sure i would have had a pay increase. lol.

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labour. I work at great depths. I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss


The Response:

Dear P. Niss,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, The administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed your assigned task. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

[island_sands]

Originally Posted by apneaboy

[b]

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

lol!

[spfoto]

One day, an eight-year-old girl said to her mother, "Mummy, I’ve been thinking about us humans and I’m a bit puzzled. How did we humans first appear on Earth?"

"That’s a very good question, darling," her mother replied. "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then their children had children, and as a result, mankind began."

Her brother, cahrles at the same time asked the father the same question. "Daddy, how did we humans first appear on earth?"

"That’s an intelligent question, son," he replied. "Millions of years ago there were monkeys from which, gradually, the human race evolved."

The two children compared notes and are confused by the answers they recieved. They went back to the mother. "Mummy," Mellissa asked, "how come that you told me the human race was created by God, yet daddy told Charles they developed from monkeys?"

"Well darlings," replied the mother, smiling, "the answer is quite simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told Charles about his."

[apneaboy]

Marginanus

I know it's just a joke

hmmm thats interesting. Perhaps you could start your own thread ..... bye

LOL.

[ReefTroll]

Originally Posted by marginatus

I know it's just a joke but i see this all the time!
human didn't evolved from the monkeys! they have the same ancestors!
it's like saying that i evolved from my cousin when what happened is that we both evolved from our granparent(s)...

Sorry, but i had to write it

With a post like this are you sure you didn't evolve from a cousin or other too-closely related family member?

[spfoto]

Time to resurrect an oldie but goodie........

THE WRITING ASSIGNMENT
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Here's a
prime example offered by an English professor from the University of
Phoenix:
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The
process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to
his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write
the first paragraph of a short story.
You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me.
The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph
to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The
first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the
story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the
e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The
story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:
Rebecca (last name deleted), and Gary (last name deleted).

THE STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of
the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to
Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar
orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could
sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his
ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of
his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,"
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around
her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she
pondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy
peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through
the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien
empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours
after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly
initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie
and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the
conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty!
Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have
chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh
no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele
novels!"

(Rebecca)
Asshole.

(Gary)
Bitch.

(Rebecca)
F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.


(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one

[Whopperhead]

This was Funny-

YouTube - Ralphie May

[spfoto]

Top Tips

MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.


BIRD FLU could be quickly and easily eradicated by adding a few drops of Lemsip or Daynurse to birdbaths. (Obviously, you would have to put Nightnurse in the birdbaths for owls.)

LADY drivers. Draw a little diagram on a Post-it showing the position of the hand brake and gear stick, and stick it to your dashboard. This will save you having to look for them when the lights go green.

DOG owners. Don't waste money on a lead. Simply walk your dog backwards holding its tail.

FATTIES. Take a tip from smokers and stop your cravings for chips By Sellotaping a crisp to the top of your arm each morning.


CONVINCE bar staff that your pint is off by sticking your finger up your arse before holding the glass close to their nose.



SMOKERS. 'Every cigarette you smoke takes 10 seconds off your life', health experts say. To combat this, at the end of every day work out how many seconds you have 'lost', and simply go to bed that much later, or wake up that much earlier the next morning. Hey presto! your lost time is returned.


TOP TIP OF THE WEEK

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a **** anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.

[Bill]

Not sure this won't be censored, but I like L jokes

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"

[spfoto]

A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.


One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the sheep..

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening...
red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

[spfoto]

Units of Measurement

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
1 millionth mouthwash = 1 microscope
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = Mach Turtle
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling = 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = bananosecond
453.6 Jacob's crackers = 1 pound cake
1 million microphones = 1 phone
1 million phones = 1 megaphone
365.25 days = 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks = 1 litrehosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
1 million billion picolos = 1 gigolo
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
10 monologues = 5 dialogues
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 wharves = 1 paradox

[apneaboy]

Wait till Pastor sees joke 1140

[Pastor]

Can't have been a Welshman! What Welshman would have passed up on the opportunity for a threesome