Jokes Thread!!!

[apneaboy]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him.

'Hi....My name is Carmen', she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a
family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects
the things I like most -- cars and men.'

'What's your name?' she asked.

He said, 'B. J. Titsenbeer'

[SanderP]

I just love the motivation posters.

[spfoto]

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.
"Well, not exactly." his friend replied, "she's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well, not exactly - I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

[spfoto]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow
and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along'.

[jay cluskey]

a lady in a jewellers farts as she leans down to look at a ring
hoping nobody noticed this she quickly barks a the assistant " HOW MUCH "
he quickly replies" MADAM IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT THE I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT YOU WILL SHIT YOUR SELF WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE"

[island_sands]

A man who was bitten on the penis by a deadly snake used a cold rum can to soothe the pain
while he rang his mother to say a final goodbye.
"I thought I was gone," Cairns carpenter Daryl Zutt yesterday told the Cairns Post of his encounter with
a brown snake during a roadside toilet stop in remote Far North Queensland.
"I thought, `Maybe, this is it. Maybe, I'm gonna cark it."
The incident occurred two weeks ago, but the identity of the victim remained unknown until yesterday
when Mr Zutt revealed how the snake pounced as he relieved himself near Laura, 300km northwest of
Cairns, on April 27.
Mr Zutt and his mates were returning from a pig-hunting and fishing trip.
"I squatted down – I reckon I must've nearly sat on his head," he said.
"As soon as I felt it, I yelled.
"It really hurt."
He said he tried to remain calm as he inspected the damage.
"He got me about halfway down," he said. "I saw fang marks and a bit of blood come out."
Mr Zutt and his mate drove to a nearby medical centre to seek help.
"I was nauseous and had pains in the stomach," Mr Zutt said.
"I couldn't talk properly. I was tongue-tied."
A paramedic treated Mr Zutt and took him to hospital.
A series of blood and urine tests confirmed he was not poisoned.
Mr Zutt said he had copped a ribbing from his mates but they knew full well "they could've been
attending my funeral".
"They've been saying things like `It was a trouser snake fight' and `He (the snake) saw the competition
and got scared'," he said.
He said he would still venture to the outback but there would be no more "running through the bush
barefoot and pig-hunting".


6/11/2008 New Zealand's source for oddstuff - strange, weird & bizarre news on Stuff.co.nz - Printable

(anyone offering to suck the poison out?)

[mishu1984]

haahhah nice one sarah.... you naughty naughty girl :P

[apneaboy]

A man who was bitten on the penis

'Doctor' he said. 'Can you get rid of the pain and leave the swelling thanks'

[apneaboy]

I don't want to move away from the cutting edge dirt and filth we have become accustomed to but this made me smile...... like a warm pee in my pants, or wetsuit. LOL.

Think about them one at a time before going on to the next one.

1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket.
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry).
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15 The beach
16. Finding a £20 note in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you
19 Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
23. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS
25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
29. Playing with a new puppy or kitten.
30. Having someone play with your hair.
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot chocolate.
33. Road trips with friends.
34. Swinging on swings.
35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
36. Making chocolate chip cookies.
37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
38 Holding hands with someone you care about.
39 Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
40. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
41. Watching the sunrise.
42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
43. Knowing that somebody misses you.
44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
45. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

[mishu1984]

46. new dive gear arrives in the mail sooner than you expected

[marginatus]

47. new dive gear arrives!

[omega3]

A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman, "got any milk?" barman, "no this is a bar we don't serve milk so what can I get you?" duck "got any milk?" barman " I told you already ,we don't serve milk, what can I get you?" duck, "got any milk?" barman," listen here, if you ask me for milk one more time I am going to nail your beak to the bar, so what do you want?" duck "got any nails?" barman "no!" duck "got any milk?"

[apneaboy]

A cut 'n paste job in the interests of international relations.

Why finswimming is better than sex?

It is possible to swim with monofins from the early childhood.
you do not lose ability to swim with monofins up to extreme old age..
Bright and good illumination do not prevent to swim with monofins.
Finswimming more often come to sex, than on the contrary.
The Pleasure from finswimming will not be saddened with fear about undesirable consequences.
At finswimming it is not necessary to remove fins.

Why finswimming is better than the woman?

You always may select monofins with a waist which is pleasant to you more.
You always may protect the monofins from use by extraneous persons.
Monofins never take offence, if you will swim for a while not for long in the friend monofin.
Monofins do not demand to sign before use any documents.
Monofins never will tell: " Today let us simply read a little of Guber ".
Monofins never jib, when you want insert leg.
Monofins never are distressed, that your leg too soft or that it of the small size.
Monofins never will tell, that development of know-how - " dirty occupation ".
Under monofins it is not necessary to lay a pillow.
Monofins also never will tell, that your friend Vasja swim in them better.
For swimming in monofins it is not necessary to study a lunar calendar.
Monofins will not complain of you to those who has made them, moreover, very much the inverse way.
Manufacturers of monofins never will arrive to you to stay for half a year.
Even if finswimming was not pleasant to you, it is not necessary say to fins, as is delightful they today worked.
Monofins do not take offence, if going on a visit, you leave their houses.
Monofins quietly concern to discussion of their merits and demerits in comparison with others monofins (even at their presence).
Monofins never feel envy to anothers monofins.
Monofins do not object, when you remove from them a cover and with pride show their friend.
Monofins never will tell you, that it is pleasant to them more when you are swimming more fastly / more slowly, on breast/on a back etc.
At swimming you monofins never will scratch your back.
You always may choose both new, and second-hand monofins among monofins with the waist which has liked you.
After swimming monofins do not say, that they have fatally got tired and want only one - to sleep.

Than finswimming is better than the man?

Monofins do not tell how it will be good, if you buy them.
Even after very active swimming, they will not turn away to a wall, instantly having fallen asleep.
If you have decided to get new monofin, you should not tell old that in them does not arrange you.
You always may get monofin necessary to you rigidity and lengths.
Monofins standing up now, in the past and in the future.
In monofins it is possible to swim all night.
On monofins there may be traces only from your lipstick.
If you want to swim in monofins, you do not need to wait when football, "Formula - 1" will be finished or will break TV.
Monofins never prevent to drive the machine. Moreover they can be carried on a boot or on a roof.
It is possible to leave monofin for night on a terrace (if it is a country small house).
Monofins do not sit the big campaign at a table till morning, it is noisy discussing tomorrow's finswimming.
At monofin in the mornings there is no ill kind.
Monofins quietly will wait in storehouse (a room, a closet, a corridor) if their mistress will want to devote day to rest ( to shops, excursions)
Monofins nothing have against them have put in order (have cleaned, have stuck or have handed over in repair)

haha, its good just translating it, from http://www.geocities.com/darnitsaclub/sexe.htm

[podge]

Subject: Dietary needs - A moral tale

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


Here endeth the Lesson.

[felipe felop]

my apologies to registered users,forum mentors & staff,that were offended by the joke i posted here on friday 28 06 2008, i should of read the rules,sorry i didn't know they were pg13 rated, it won't happen again.