Jokes Thread!!!

[podge]

Subject: Dietary needs - A moral tale

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


Here endeth the Lesson.

[felipe felop]

my apologies to registered users,forum mentors & staff,that were offended by the joke i posted here on friday 28 06 2008, i should of read the rules,sorry i didn't know they were pg13 rated, it won't happen again.

[jay cluskey]

top joke though shame about the pg tips thing i ve had loads taken off pg tips world must be a realy jovial place NOT

[island_sands]

Originally Posted by jay cluskey

top joke though shame about the pg tips thing i ve had loads taken off pg tips world must be a realy jovial place NOT

jay there's a difference between jovial and being discriminatory towards women. yes, loads of your jokes have been removed, but carry on posting, some of them are good ones. Just please keep them clean!

[jay cluskey]

sands i do appologise but, i dont feel that was discriminatory , a bit course yes, harmless ,totaly
i posted a joke wich metioned almost every race on the planet where , they walked into a bar , the bar man popped up and says, is this some sort of joke, that was not a racist joke , it was taking the mickey over most jokes were the subjects of the joke all seem to walk into a bar . harmless.
im not racist sexist homophobic a religious extremist i just look at life in general and find the painful and awkward and sometimes sadistic things, well, quite funny.
im not being funny towards you by responding to your reply.im just trying to explain myself .political correctness is a good thing in todays society it just gets a bit paranoid .

[jay cluskey]

john is sitting in a bar waiting for his freind colin to turn up
in walks colin , and almost every one in there simultaniously remarks ,hey colin how are you , how you doin buddy ,hey colin ,let me get you a drink
johns quite taken aback by this. when ,col, sits down john replies you realy are popular you know every one dont you bud.
col, cockily replies, yes mate i know every one me.
john s quite pissed off and childishly says . i bet you dont know david beckham.
colin says bet £ 500 i do says colin , go on then john replies, col gets his phone out shows him picture on phone posh becks kids all standing posing with col at home in la.
my god col thats great . double or quits bet you dont know bono from u2 ,ok says col ,its your money your waisting ,phone comes out picture of bono and the rest of the rock band all posing with colin at their studio in ireland.
my god you got me there mate says john coughs up £1000 regretfuly
stop says colin ,10 - 1 on 1000 quid ,who else dont i know john ,
john pauses thinks and says right i bet you dont know , erm , nelson mandela no no bet you dont know the bloody pope. ok ok say s col i do but youll have to come to rome 4 me to prove it . ok says john .
the next day they are in the vatican square in rome surrounded by 150 000 people col says wait there il go and see him he starts weavin through the crowd towards the balcony the pope looks down shouts col hey how you doin pal come up .wich he does he gets on the balcony and looks back towards john and waves john just faints with shock . col rushes back and picks him up and says what happened there mate .
he says some one just tapped me and said who s that bloke with colin

[podge]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says, 'How's the singing career going?'Stevie Wonder replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?' Woods replies, 'Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now.' Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.' Tiger says, 'You play golf?' Wonder says, 'Oh, yes, I've been playing for years.' Woods says, 'But you're blind! How can you play golf, if you can't see?' Wonder replies, 'I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice.' But how do you putt? asks Woods. 'Well,' says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice.' Woods asks, 'What's your handicap?' Stevie says, 'Well, I'm a scratch golfer.' Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie,'We've got to play a round sometime.' Wonder replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.' Woods thinks about it and says, 'OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?
Stevie says,
'Pick a night.'

[spfoto]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She
was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching,
so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys
applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a
lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch
was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher ' s widow said ' You have done a really good
job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your
heels. ' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday
night.

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

' Unbutton my blouse and take it off, ' she said. Trembling, he did as
she directed. ' Now take off my boots. 'He did as she asked, ever so
slowly. 'Now take off my socks. ' He removed each gently and placed them
neatly by her boots. ' Now take off my skirt. '

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.
' Now take off my bra. 'Again, with trembling hands did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said:

































































' If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired! '

[jay cluskey]

paddy was off on holiday and said to mick would you like any fags bringin back pal
oh yes please get me 400 bensons plealse mate
2 weeks later paddy knocks at micks and says heres your fags mate that ll be £240 please mate
jesus wept said mick were the bejesus did you go on holiday
butlins said paddy

[Pastor]

cracker!

Talking about cigarettes: True story this, a guy up the road from where I live now goes under the name of Johnny no brains. He lives in the local council estate but this guy has a car which is a bit unusual there. He was asked by one of the local bums there if he would pop down the shop for him and get 20 Regal (or whatever) and if they don't have Regal get something else. They didn't have Regal so he came back with a Mars bar

[jay cluskey]

poor jonny no brains

[apneaboy]

Oi, there is a post missing, where has that gone??

[jay cluskey]

paddy buys a watch from market ,guy says genuine rolex pad, will not lose a second in ten years honest to god.
that night paddys watchching telly, news at ten starts ,theme tune comes on he looks at his watch 25 minutes past 3 .he turns round and growls at his kids
"have you s been messing with this bloody telly"

[jay cluskey]

paddy and mick talking
are ,nt women mad mick
for sure pad , my wife is thick er than yours
why so , say s mick ,
well for a start, she s just bought a car 4 20 grand ,she s not even got a licence to drive
thats nothing said paddy, my wife s just booked a holiday to ibiza with 10 other women ,ive just looked in her case , its full of condoms , i wouldnt mind she,s not got a willy

[jay cluskey]

sorry tried keeping as clean as poss recieved by sms and i always share