Jokes Thread!!!

[island_sands]

Originally Posted by jay cluskey

top joke though shame about the pg tips thing i ve had loads taken off pg tips world must be a realy jovial place NOT

jay there's a difference between jovial and being discriminatory towards women. yes, loads of your jokes have been removed, but carry on posting, some of them are good ones. Just please keep them clean!

[jay cluskey]

john is sitting in a bar waiting for his freind colin to turn up
in walks colin , and almost every one in there simultaniously remarks ,hey colin how are you , how you doin buddy ,hey colin ,let me get you a drink
johns quite taken aback by this. when ,col, sits down john replies you realy are popular you know every one dont you bud.
col, cockily replies, yes mate i know every one me.
john s quite pissed off and childishly says . i bet you dont know david beckham.
colin says bet £ 500 i do says colin , go on then john replies, col gets his phone out shows him picture on phone posh becks kids all standing posing with col at home in la.
my god col thats great . double or quits bet you dont know bono from u2 ,ok says col ,its your money your waisting ,phone comes out picture of bono and the rest of the rock band all posing with colin at their studio in ireland.
my god you got me there mate says john coughs up £1000 regretfuly
stop says colin ,10 - 1 on 1000 quid ,who else dont i know john ,
john pauses thinks and says right i bet you dont know , erm , nelson mandela no no bet you dont know the bloody pope. ok ok say s col i do but youll have to come to rome 4 me to prove it . ok says john .
the next day they are in the vatican square in rome surrounded by 150 000 people col says wait there il go and see him he starts weavin through the crowd towards the balcony the pope looks down shouts col hey how you doin pal come up .wich he does he gets on the balcony and looks back towards john and waves john just faints with shock . col rushes back and picks him up and says what happened there mate .
he says some one just tapped me and said who s that bloke with colin

[podge]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says, 'How's the singing career going?'Stevie Wonder replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?' Woods replies, 'Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now.' Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.' Tiger says, 'You play golf?' Wonder says, 'Oh, yes, I've been playing for years.' Woods says, 'But you're blind! How can you play golf, if you can't see?' Wonder replies, 'I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice.' But how do you putt? asks Woods. 'Well,' says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice.' Woods asks, 'What's your handicap?' Stevie says, 'Well, I'm a scratch golfer.' Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie,'We've got to play a round sometime.' Wonder replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.' Woods thinks about it and says, 'OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?
Stevie says,
'Pick a night.'

[spfoto]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She
was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching,
so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys
applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a
lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch
was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher ' s widow said ' You have done a really good
job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your
heels. ' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday
night.

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

' Unbutton my blouse and take it off, ' she said. Trembling, he did as
she directed. ' Now take off my boots. 'He did as she asked, ever so
slowly. 'Now take off my socks. ' He removed each gently and placed them
neatly by her boots. ' Now take off my skirt. '

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.
' Now take off my bra. 'Again, with trembling hands did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said:

































































' If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired! '

[jay cluskey]

paddy was off on holiday and said to mick would you like any fags bringin back pal
oh yes please get me 400 bensons plealse mate
2 weeks later paddy knocks at micks and says heres your fags mate that ll be £240 please mate
jesus wept said mick were the bejesus did you go on holiday
butlins said paddy

[Pastor]

cracker!

Talking about cigarettes: True story this, a guy up the road from where I live now goes under the name of Johnny no brains. He lives in the local council estate but this guy has a car which is a bit unusual there. He was asked by one of the local bums there if he would pop down the shop for him and get 20 Regal (or whatever) and if they don't have Regal get something else. They didn't have Regal so he came back with a Mars bar

[apneaboy]

Oi, there is a post missing, where has that gone??

[bdurrett]

Originally Posted by jay cluskey

sorry tried keeping as clean as poss recieved by sms and i always share

You sayin' that someone has taken the Mick-y outta ya?

[Bill]

A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria said, "Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife, "Who said you iron better than me?

Maria, "Your husband said so."

Wife, "Oh."

Maria, "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife, "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria, "Your husband did."

Wife, "Oh."

Maria, "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Wife (really furious now), "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."

Wife, "So . . . . how much of a raise are you talking about?"

[blaiz]

Originally Posted by Bill

Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."

Wife, "So . . . . how much of a raise are you talking about?"

Took me a minute, but thats pretty funny!

[podge]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time
to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to
you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be
with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

[jay cluskey]

a young bloke pulls an older lady at a nightclub , she,s 61 but looks great for her age
on the way back to her house the bloke is thinking to himself, mmmm i bet her daughter is realy hot. then out of the blue she asks if he,d like a" sportsmans double "
he asks what one is and the lady says , its a mother and daughter threesome ,
wow yes please he says. then as the lady opens the door to her house she smiles and says great . then looks up her stairs and shouts " HELLO MUM ARE YOU AWAKE"

[jay cluskey]

man hires a chinese PI , chen lee , as he ,s suspicious of his wife. heres the report;
i watch house
u leave house
he come to house
he and she leave house
i follow.
he and she go hotel
i climb tree and look in window
he kiss she
she kiss he
he strip
she strip
he play with she
she play with he
i play with me
i fall out tree
i no see
now no fee
chen lee weelly sollee

[podge]

Married Life

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all
three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their
eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He
said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night
long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office.
I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had
wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at
my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the
TV controller and a beer, and said,
'Hey Batman, what's for dinner ?'

[bdurrett]

Bet he won't be married much longer!