Jokes Thread!!!

[bdurrett]

Originally Posted by jay cluskey

sorry tried keeping as clean as poss recieved by sms and i always share

You sayin' that someone has taken the Mick-y outta ya?

[Bill]

A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria said, "Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife, "Who said you iron better than me?

Maria, "Your husband said so."

Wife, "Oh."

Maria, "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife, "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria, "Your husband did."

Wife, "Oh."

Maria, "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Wife (really furious now), "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."

Wife, "So . . . . how much of a raise are you talking about?"

[jay cluskey]

[blaiz]

Originally Posted by Bill

Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."

Wife, "So . . . . how much of a raise are you talking about?"

Took me a minute, but thats pretty funny!

[podge]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time
to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to
you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be
with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

[jay cluskey]

a young bloke pulls an older lady at a nightclub , she,s 61 but looks great for her age
on the way back to her house the bloke is thinking to himself, mmmm i bet her daughter is realy hot. then out of the blue she asks if he,d like a" sportsmans double "
he asks what one is and the lady says , its a mother and daughter threesome ,
wow yes please he says. then as the lady opens the door to her house she smiles and says great . then looks up her stairs and shouts " HELLO MUM ARE YOU AWAKE"

[jay cluskey]

man hires a chinese PI , chen lee , as he ,s suspicious of his wife. heres the report;
i watch house
u leave house
he come to house
he and she leave house
i follow.
he and she go hotel
i climb tree and look in window
he kiss she
she kiss he
he strip
she strip
he play with she
she play with he
i play with me
i fall out tree
i no see
now no fee
chen lee weelly sollee

[jay cluskey]

[podge]

Married Life

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all
three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their
eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He
said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night
long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office.
I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had
wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at
my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the
TV controller and a beer, and said,
'Hey Batman, what's for dinner ?'

[bdurrett]

Bet he won't be married much longer!

[jay cluskey]

dave was riddled with guilt, he d slept with another patient he tried and tried to look for a reason to justify himself and every time it got easier to come to terms with this
an overiding voice in his head would bring him back down by saying
!!DAVE YOURE A BLOODY VET!!!

[bdurrett]

I can't give you any more rep at the moment but that is FUNNY!

[apneaboy]

Two fish in a tank..... one turns to the other and says 'are you sure you can drive this thing?'

[apneaboy]

The other one turns round and in amazement shouts 'F*** me.... a talking fish!!!'

[mishu1984]

Originally Posted by podge

Married Life

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all
three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their
eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He
said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night
long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office.
I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had
wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at
my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the
TV controller and a beer, and said,
'Hey Batman, what's for dinner ?'

ahhahahahhhaha i laughed so hard i farted and nearly shat myself.