Jokes Thread!!!

[crusty]

Originally Posted by miles

Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations:

#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

#2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

#1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

#1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

#2: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

# 1: Bugger it NUKE em


Crusty

[Bill]

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches, so he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church, taking photographs, when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American.


He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC Philadelphia, Boston, New York and Montpelier. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon realizing how close he was to Canada, decided to see if Canadians had the same phone. He crossed the border and came to a small town called Smiths Falls and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "25 cents per call."


The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
"Father, I've traveled all over the Unites States and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?


The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now son, it's a local call".

Aloha
Bill

[crusty]

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He
forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a
couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to
them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom
Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go
shopping--Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast
Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
Well, you came home after 3 A. M., drunk and out of your mind. You
broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye
when you ran into the door."
So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose,
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone,
lady, I'm married!"
Broken furniture - $85.26

Hot Breakfast - $4.20

Red Rose bud -$3.00

Two Aspirins -$0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time......... Priceless.

Crusty

[crusty]

The Pope and the Queen of England are doing a European tour and are Standing on stage together infront of a full house in Ireland.
The Queen says to the Pope ' I bet if i move one hand i can get 1/4 of the crowd standing and cheering.
The pope says '' go on then lets see''
So the queen raises one hand and waves with that a 1/4 of the crowd stand up and start cheering.
The Pope say '' Thats fairly impressive but i can do better, I bet with the movement of one hand i can get 3/4 of the crowd standing and cheering and not only that, they will talk about it for years and even pass the story down to their Grand Kids.
The Queen says '' I would like to see that, go on do it''
So the Pope raises on hand and slaps her on the face

Crusty

[island_sands]

Questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.


Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres. Take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific. A-fri-ca is
the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get there and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is.. oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[Rockbrother]

Amazingly simple home remedies


1.If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be
almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed
for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember
to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget about the toothache


"they're coming to take me away!"

[colt.45]

where the heck did you get that joke?

[colt.45]

any way here's one of my own,

A man was walking along a beach one day when he found a bottle in the sand so he picked it up and pulled the cork out to see what was inside. Next thing he knew a geni popped out and it said to him "Iwill grant you one wish" All right said the man I wish for a million bucks. "souds good " said the geni go to the pub on the end of the peir buy youre self a drink and youre wish wil be granted. so he goes down to the bar and buys himself a drinK and all of a sudden a couple of ducks walk trough the door and sit down next to him. well thats strange, thought the man. Pretty soon five or six more ducks walk trough the door and sit next to him. so after a couple minutes and ten or twelve ducks a man in a suit walks trough the door sit's down and buys a drink. Suddenly, an odd look appears on his face and he reaches into his inside pocket and pulles out a little man about a foot tall and sets him down on the counter then reaches back into his pocket and pulles out a little piano the little man walkes over to the piano and starts to play. On a hunch the first man askes, "You diddn't happen to find that one wish geni by chance did you?" "Why yes I did" said the second man you wished for a million bucks diddn't you yeah how did you know said the first man 2nd man: well I think that genis a little hard of hearing. 1st man Whys that? 2nd man: well do you think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?

[bdurrett]

Originally Posted by colt.45

where the heck did you get that joke?

It is amazing the things friends send to you in e-mail sometimes!

[crusty]

"Hello, Senor? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. "What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat?
Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire.."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral."
WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your wife's...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought
she was a thief, so I shot her with your Edge 1.2

SILENCE...................." Ernesto if you broke that Edge you're fired.!"


Changed the last line from ''hit her with your Tiger wood putter'' to Edge i.2
Because golf is booooooooring

Crusty

[island_sands]

Originally Posted by crusty

"


Changed the last line from ''hit her with your Tiger wood putter'' to Edge i.2
Because golf is booooooooring

Crusty

i agree. i am selling my golf shoes.. size 4, only used once. Any offers???

[Absolute]

As two golfers were on the back nine they noticed a funeral procession near by. One of the golfers stoped chatting faced the procession took off his hat and placed it over his heart. The other golfer followed suit and asked his buddy if he knew who the person. "Yea, I knew her, and after 30 years of marrage, it's the least I can do."

[miles]

A cabby picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: a) you have to be single and b) you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

"Okay," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make anyone blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun. "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's okay, my name's Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

[colt.45]

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me his time in prison had turned him gay and that he found you very sexy. He asked if we kept any vaseline in the house and I told him there was some in the bathroom cabinet.

Be strong, honey, I love you too..."[/quote]

I would have loved to see the look on his face

[Aquagenic]

"they're coming to take me away!"

"...where life is beautiful all the time and basket weavers sit and twiddle their thumbs and toes..."

Mad props for the Dr Demento quote bro! What a great song...

~James