Jokes Thread!!!

[jay cluskey]

that is what we call sharted

[Phychotics]

ok..i think it was podge told the tiger woods and stevie wonder joke...i get like very joke i hear...i just didnt get that one..plz explain..lol...ok heres mine, hope it hasnt been told......

two buddies are sitting on a rooftop bar in newyork city late at night. 3 drunks walk in and sit down, and as they are totally hammered start striking up random conversation with the 2 friends. One of the buddies tells the 1st drunk i bet i can jump off this roof and survive....ill put 200 dollars on it....(their on the 25th story). The drunk says ur on....the guy walks over to the roof and bails off. About 5 minutes later he hobbles up the stairs and sits back down. The drunks are totally amazed....the drunk says man, i bet i could do that!!! So he says well ill put 200$ saying i can jump and survive too. So he stumbles over to the edge...looks causiously...and bails out. Everyone rushes to the edge just as the drunk splats to the ground. The drunks buddies are totally freaked out. So the 2nd drunk says, well if u cant do it then i certaintly can!!! He told the buddy, "ill top him and bet u 300$ i can do it!!! The buddy takes the money, the drunk steps on the ledge and bails out...only to splat on the ground also. The last drunk is totally mad now that his drunk friends are now dead. He says well i got nothin to lose...i put 1000$ saying i can jump and live. The man collects his money and the last drunk bails over only to splat to the ground. The 2 gentlemen walk back over to the bar counting the money. The 1st friend looks over to his buddy and says, "Superman....ur an asshole."



sorry if it terribly told, its sooo hard to type it and get that good effect

[Phychotics]

i have to do it...and try to keep it clean...mods tell me if its too much, its not that bad at all....

Two buddies are walking through the woods on a hiking trip. They take a quick rest stop to use the bathroom. As one of the guys is peeing in the brush a rattlesnake jumps up and bites his penis. He quickly tells his friend to hike 15 miles to the nearest doctor to find a cure. So the guy takes all day to get there. The doctor tells him that with his friend that far into the woods he only has one option. He tells him he must suck the venom from the wound to save his life. It takes the guy all night to get back to his friend. As he reaches the clearing where he is laying the dying man moans, "what did the doc say?" The buddy replys, "Your gunna die."

[jay cluskey]

paddy calls an ambulance as mick has been ran over by a car . the operator asks were the accident happened . paddy says outside 14 eucalyptus road . the opperator says can you spell that for me please sir , then the line goes quiet for about 5 mins and the operator is realy worried . paddy comes on the line and says ,, sorry about that , ive dragged him round to outside 3 oak avenue

[jay cluskey]

irelands worst ever plane disaster struck today when a two seater plane crashed into a cemetary . rescue workers have recovered 828 bodies so far , THE SEARCH CONTINUES!!!

[jay cluskey]

man starts work in a mortuary and is been shown round by boss
he opens draws showing bodies to new guy
draw 1 this is tom he has a huge smile on his face because at the time of his death he had just won 1 million on the lottery he had a heart attack.
draw 2 this is jock he s smiling because he drank a lot of whiskey one night and he fell over laughing he broke his neck
draw 3 this is paddy he got struck by lightining .
new guy says why his he smiling then
boss says , he thought he was having his picture taken

[shoutatthesky]

Why are there no casinos in China?

Because the Chinese hate Tibet

[jay cluskey]

a man walks into a bar and shouts across room to a group of young lads
i ve just had sex with your mum
the lads ignore him
twice in a row, he shouts again
still no response
bloody loved it she did ,what a right one she is
one of the lads stands up and shouts ,, go home dad youre drunk,,

[apneaboy]

The official Scouse jokes page can be found here

http://forums.deeperblue.net/introdu...tml#post725451

Please add liberally

[jay cluskey]

little boy playin with train set , mum hears him talkin to passengers
all you bar***rds getting on, **ckin hurry up
all you bar***rds getting off , **ck off
so mum takes train set off him till he learns to be nice to passengers . 2 hrs later she hears him again
all those disembarking , please mind the step and have a nice day
all those embarking , please sit comfortable and enjoy the ride
and also all those unhappy at the 2 hour delay ,please blame that fat c**nt in the kitchen

[jay cluskey]

two manchester lads opening a shop in liverpool
they are busy unpacking and setting the shop up when one says the other , I BET WE GET SOME NOSEY SCOUSE BAS***DS COMING IN . with that the door opens and this scouse voice says, WHAT YOOS SELLIN HERE LADS? the manc lad turns round and says WERE SELLIN ARSE HOLES without missing a beat ,as usual ,the scouse lad says WELL YOUVE BEEN BUSY EH , ONLY 2 LEFT

[jay cluskey]

What Do You Call A Guy Sitting On An Onion ?
Cryin Arse

[jay cluskey]

Or Onion Ring

[Phychotics]

Originally Posted by SurfnSpear

Spot the problem...

i dont get it..plz explain,,,,,hehe

[Bill]

A woman is looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies,

'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started...