Jokes Thread!!!

[jay cluskey]

two manchester lads opening a shop in liverpool
they are busy unpacking and setting the shop up when one says the other , I BET WE GET SOME NOSEY SCOUSE BAS***DS COMING IN . with that the door opens and this scouse voice says, WHAT YOOS SELLIN HERE LADS? the manc lad turns round and says WERE SELLIN ARSE HOLES without missing a beat ,as usual ,the scouse lad says WELL YOUVE BEEN BUSY EH , ONLY 2 LEFT

[jay cluskey]

What Do You Call A Guy Sitting On An Onion ?
Cryin Arse

[jay cluskey]

Or Onion Ring

[Phychotics]

Originally Posted by SurfnSpear

Spot the problem...

i dont get it..plz explain,,,,,hehe

[Bill]

A woman is looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies,

'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started...

[bdurrett]

As long as we are on that vein.......

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I
take her someplace expensive....
so, I took her to a gas station.....

and then the fight started....

************************************************** **********************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office
to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for
my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized
I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************** ******************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high
school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as
she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old
girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right
after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************** ******************************

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the
other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a
DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and
shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then
which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

[Stephan Whelan]

Folks - just a reminder to keep the jokes in this thread sensible and not too rude. The site works on a PG13 principle.

There have been numerous jokes recently that had to be removed due to pushing the limits a bit too far.

Thanks!

[apneaboy]

I think a few have been based on the XXX principle lately

Me of course, no such nonsense.

Have a nice day everybody

[spfoto]

The Pope was having a shower, although he is very strict about the rules of celibacy, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of those occasions. Just as he reached the Papal Climax, he saw a paparazzi photographer capturing the moment the Holy Seed flew through the air.

"Hold on a minute," screamed the Pope, "You can't publish that photograph, you'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church."

"This photograph is my lottery win," replied the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for life."

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera and film from the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of Two Million Pounds.

The Pope dried himself off and headed off with his new camera.

He met his housekeeper, who spotted the flashy camera. "That looks like a really good camera," she said, "How much did it cost you?"

"Two million pounds," replied the Pope.

"Two million quid?," shrieked the housekeeper, "They must have seen you coming."






Wonder if this joke gets pulled...LOL

[apneaboy]

AUNTY SHARON A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get theirparents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell theirstories. Karl said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of eggs layingchooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on thefront seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all theeggs went flying and broke and made a mess.'

'What's the moral of the story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Emily raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too.But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs,but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral of this story is,

'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.

'That was a fine story Emily. Mike, do you have a story to share?' 'Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon.

'Aunty Sharon wasa flight engineer for the RAF on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'What kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the piss.'

[apneaboy]

alcohol research.jpg

Please give kindly

[bgill]

Here's one! Actually a DIVING joke!


Three instructors and their students are on board a dive boat in the middle of the ocean— there's a NAUI instructor, a PADI instructor, and an SSI instructor. Everything is going fine, until the boat springs a leak, and starts to sink.
The SSI instructor says to his students, "Okay... we're in the middle of the ocean, so we might as well do our deep dive."
The NAUI instructor says to his students, "Okay... we might as well do our navigation dive, so let's get our compasses out and swim towards shore."
The PADI instructor says to his students, "Okay... for $25 extra you guys get to do a wreck dive!"

[jimdoe2you]

This one is called "SPAGHETTI"

For several years, a man was having an affair with an italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey', she said, 'You received a very strange post card today'. 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.'

[omega3]

On an Archaeological dig in Russia , the Russians dug down 300 feet and discovered some copper wire.
At a huge press gathering the Russians announced that they had dug down 300 feet, found the copper wires and from this they deduced that many ages ago their ancestors were so advanced that they had had the telephone and were the world leaders in communication technology!

Not to be outdone, the Americans decided to do a dig. They dug down 600 foot and at a huge press gathering a short while later announced that they had found some fibre optic cables and that this proved that their American ancestors were in fact far more advanced than the Russians at that time and they were communicating with email and telephone!

Well, the South Africans not to be outdone by either decided to do a dig. They dug down to 900 feet and found nothing!!!
At a hastily gathered press conference the South Africans announced that they had found nothing and that this proved their ancestors were indeed so advanced that they were communicating with satellite and mobile phones due to all the copper and fibre optic cable having been stolen to make wire toys and jewelery!!!

[strangelove]

Do you know what the elephant told the naked man?

It is pretty cute, but can you breath through it?