Jokes Thread!!!

[bdurrett]

As long as we are on that vein.......

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I
take her someplace expensive....
so, I took her to a gas station.....

and then the fight started....

************************************************** **********************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office
to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for
my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized
I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************** ******************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high
school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as
she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old
girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right
after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************** ******************************

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the
other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a
DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and
shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then
which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

[Stephan Whelan]

Folks - just a reminder to keep the jokes in this thread sensible and not too rude. The site works on a PG13 principle.

There have been numerous jokes recently that had to be removed due to pushing the limits a bit too far.

Thanks!

[apneaboy]

I think a few have been based on the XXX principle lately

Me of course, no such nonsense.

Have a nice day everybody

[spfoto]

The Pope was having a shower, although he is very strict about the rules of celibacy, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of those occasions. Just as he reached the Papal Climax, he saw a paparazzi photographer capturing the moment the Holy Seed flew through the air.

"Hold on a minute," screamed the Pope, "You can't publish that photograph, you'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church."

"This photograph is my lottery win," replied the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for life."

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera and film from the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of Two Million Pounds.

The Pope dried himself off and headed off with his new camera.

He met his housekeeper, who spotted the flashy camera. "That looks like a really good camera," she said, "How much did it cost you?"

"Two million pounds," replied the Pope.

"Two million quid?," shrieked the housekeeper, "They must have seen you coming."






Wonder if this joke gets pulled...LOL

[apneaboy]

AUNTY SHARON A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get theirparents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell theirstories. Karl said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of eggs layingchooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on thefront seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all theeggs went flying and broke and made a mess.'

'What's the moral of the story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Emily raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too.But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs,but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral of this story is,

'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.

'That was a fine story Emily. Mike, do you have a story to share?' 'Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon.

'Aunty Sharon wasa flight engineer for the RAF on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'What kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the piss.'

[apneaboy]

alcohol research.jpg

Please give kindly

[bgill]

Here's one! Actually a DIVING joke!


Three instructors and their students are on board a dive boat in the middle of the ocean— there's a NAUI instructor, a PADI instructor, and an SSI instructor. Everything is going fine, until the boat springs a leak, and starts to sink.
The SSI instructor says to his students, "Okay... we're in the middle of the ocean, so we might as well do our deep dive."
The NAUI instructor says to his students, "Okay... we might as well do our navigation dive, so let's get our compasses out and swim towards shore."
The PADI instructor says to his students, "Okay... for $25 extra you guys get to do a wreck dive!"

[jimdoe2you]

This one is called "SPAGHETTI"

For several years, a man was having an affair with an italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey', she said, 'You received a very strange post card today'. 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.'

[omega3]

On an Archaeological dig in Russia , the Russians dug down 300 feet and discovered some copper wire.
At a huge press gathering the Russians announced that they had dug down 300 feet, found the copper wires and from this they deduced that many ages ago their ancestors were so advanced that they had had the telephone and were the world leaders in communication technology!

Not to be outdone, the Americans decided to do a dig. They dug down 600 foot and at a huge press gathering a short while later announced that they had found some fibre optic cables and that this proved that their American ancestors were in fact far more advanced than the Russians at that time and they were communicating with email and telephone!

Well, the South Africans not to be outdone by either decided to do a dig. They dug down to 900 feet and found nothing!!!
At a hastily gathered press conference the South Africans announced that they had found nothing and that this proved their ancestors were indeed so advanced that they were communicating with satellite and mobile phones due to all the copper and fibre optic cable having been stolen to make wire toys and jewelery!!!

[strangelove]

Do you know what the elephant told the naked man?

It is pretty cute, but can you breath through it?

[Freediver81]

Two Kiwis, Wally and Craig are walking down a street in Bondi. Wally happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said, 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair.'

Wally says to his pal, 'Craig, look! We cud buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.'



Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, OK! Just lit me do all the talking 'cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll spik in my bist Aussie accint.'



'No worries, smiled Craig, I'll keep my mouth shut.'



They go in and Wally says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and..'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand, aren't you?'

'Well.. Yis,' says a surprised Wally. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'

The owner says, 'This is a Dry Cleaners!'

[hyeparis]

Ôîòîæàáà: Ðóññêàÿ ðûáàëêà! - Ïðèêîëû íà ß Ïëàêàëú
fishing in russia

[mishu1984]

During work, Abou Abed and Abou Stef were chatting:
Abou Abed: Abou Stef, I've been taking night courses for 5 Months now and I have an exam next week.
Abou Stef: Bahhh
Abou Abed: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
Abou Stef: No
Abou Abed: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night courses you would know this.
The next day, the same discussion took place:
Abou Abed: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Abou Stef: No
Abou Abed: He's the author of 'The 3 Musketeers'; if you take night courses, you would know this.
The next day, once again:
Abou Abed: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?
Abou Stef: No
Abou Abed: He's the author of 'Confessions'; if you take night courses, you would know this.
This time, Abou Stef got irritated and said: And you, do you know who Abou Ali el Zrenbewi is?

Abou Abed: No
Abou Stef: He's the guy sleeping with Em Abed (abo abed's wife); if you stop night courses, you would know this!!!!

[Freediver81]

Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for
$100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news,
the donkey died.'

Chuck replied,
'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said,
'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said,
'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked,
'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said,
'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said,
You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said,
'Sure I can Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with
Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said,
'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a
profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said,
'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said,
'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for the government.

[Freediver81]

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl.

The babies are fine, However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother
Paddy came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother he's a fecking clueless idiot ..

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' well, what's my daughter's name?'

Denise' says the doctor.


The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a really beautiful name,' I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought....'I really like Denise

Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'




The doctor replies ' Denephew '