Jokes Thread!!!

[Freediver81]

Two Kiwis, Wally and Craig are walking down a street in Bondi. Wally happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said, 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair.'

Wally says to his pal, 'Craig, look! We cud buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.'



Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, OK! Just lit me do all the talking 'cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll spik in my bist Aussie accint.'



'No worries, smiled Craig, I'll keep my mouth shut.'



They go in and Wally says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and..'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand, aren't you?'

'Well.. Yis,' says a surprised Wally. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'

The owner says, 'This is a Dry Cleaners!'

[hyeparis]

Ôîòîæàáà: Ðóññêàÿ ðûáàëêà! - Ïðèêîëû íà ß Ïëàêàëú
fishing in russia

[mishu1984]

During work, Abou Abed and Abou Stef were chatting:
Abou Abed: Abou Stef, I've been taking night courses for 5 Months now and I have an exam next week.
Abou Stef: Bahhh
Abou Abed: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
Abou Stef: No
Abou Abed: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night courses you would know this.
The next day, the same discussion took place:
Abou Abed: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Abou Stef: No
Abou Abed: He's the author of 'The 3 Musketeers'; if you take night courses, you would know this.
The next day, once again:
Abou Abed: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?
Abou Stef: No
Abou Abed: He's the author of 'Confessions'; if you take night courses, you would know this.
This time, Abou Stef got irritated and said: And you, do you know who Abou Ali el Zrenbewi is?

Abou Abed: No
Abou Stef: He's the guy sleeping with Em Abed (abo abed's wife); if you stop night courses, you would know this!!!!

[Freediver81]

Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for
$100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news,
the donkey died.'

Chuck replied,
'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said,
'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said,
'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked,
'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said,
'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said,
You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said,
'Sure I can Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with
Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said,
'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a
profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said,
'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said,
'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for the government.

[Freediver81]

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl.

The babies are fine, However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother
Paddy came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother he's a fecking clueless idiot ..

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' well, what's my daughter's name?'

Denise' says the doctor.


The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a really beautiful name,' I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought....'I really like Denise

Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'




The doctor replies ' Denephew '

[bdurrett]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when
her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a
nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would
let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the
surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the
service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat
behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the
saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles...

[jay cluskey]

man rolls over in bed and grins at his wife - not tonight darling i have a gyno appointment and i just need to stay clean - man rolls over feeling all rejected-5 minutes later he rolls back over and says not got a dental appointment by any chance

[Freediver81]

HILLBILLY DAYVORCE
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a
visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer
said,'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any
grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said,
'No,No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit? The farmer said,
'Yes, Igot a
suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I
mean,do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case,
but I gota
John Deere. The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The
farmersaid,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'
The lawyersaid, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer
said, 'No,we both get up at 4:30.'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question
..The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No,
she's a littlewhite gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's
why I wants a dayvorce.'

[Lenny]

For those of us that belong to underwater clubs, This excuse may come in handy one day....

[jay cluskey]

two aussie blokes are holding a rope in the sea with an english man on the end
at witch point a priest walks along the beach ,, he stops and looks and says ,, thats what i like to see man helping fellow man, the two aussies just nod and smile as he the walks off..
one aussie says to the other ,, he may be a man of god and well repected and liked but i tell you what bruce , he knows bugger all about shark fishing

[SanderP]

You've got to be kidding me...

[Bill]

New Cell Phone Risks Cause Panic

Many Consider Switching to Land Lines

 A new medical report showing that excessive cell phone use may increase the risk of cancer has sparked widespread fear a prominent a***ole confirmed today.

For years, America's inconsiderate jerks have talked relentlessly on their cell phones - while waiting in supermarket lines, sitting on the bus, or even crossing the street - regardless of the effect their annoying chatter has had on those around them.

But with a new doctor's warning that cell phone use could pose a serious health risk, many of these jerks are considering changing their ways.

Tracy Klugian, 32, who works as a realtor in Tallahassee, Florida, said that he and his Bluetooth have been "inseparable" for the past three years, but the new health scare may change that.

"I didn't think twice about using my cell when it was only annoying other people, but now that it may be harming me, I'm going to have to kiss it goodbye," he said. "This totally sucks."

When asked what he will miss most about his cell phone, Mr. Klugian said, "I loved when it would go off in the middle of a movie and wreck the experience for everyone seated around me - that was awesome."

Davis Logsdon, an anthropologist who studies interuptive behavior at the University of Minnesota, said that the cell phone scare is only the latest in a series of setbacks.

"Thanks to rising gas prices, many have already had to give up their SUVs -- and now this," Dr. Logsdon said. "All in all, this has been a tough summer for a**holes."

[apneaboy]

A Chelsea fan, a liverpool fan and a Man u fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Chelsea fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Chelsea fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my shirt" But even two pillows & 1 shirt could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.

The Manc was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The manc replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.

"Please tie the Scouser to my back."

[apneaboy]

The Ferrari formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from liverpool .


The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the liverpool area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour.

As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had the advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the first practice session, the liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in less than 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

[spfoto]

Gordon Brown was going around a primary school and he visited one of the classes. The children were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

Thus the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'

No, said Gordon – that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand. 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'.

I'm afraid not, explained Gordon – that's what we would call great loss'. The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

Gordon searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Jeremy raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said 'If a plane carrying you and Mr. Darling was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!'