Jokes Thread!!!

[blademasterii]

why do elephants paint their toenails red....



so they can hide in cherry trees..





ever see and elephant in a cherry tree?







guess it works.

[jay cluskey]

whats the diffirence between beer nuts and deer nuts
beer nuts cost $ 199 deer nuts are under a buck

[jay cluskey]

just in case you are not aware of the effects that the current cash crisis is having on the uk and the us finance markets japans banks are realy suffering . the origami bank has folded, the sumo bank has gone belly up, bonsai bank is closing all its branches whilst shares in the kamikaze bank have also nose dived also the karate bank has given all its employees the chop
analysts also report something fishy over at the sushi bank as all customers are recieving a raw deal

[apneaboy]

Just got this advice

If you should ever be forced by a robber to withdraw money from

an ATM machine, you can notify the police by entering your PIN # in

reverse. For example, if your pin number is 1234, then you would put in 4321. The ATM

system recognizes that your PIN number is backwards from the ATM card you placed

in the machine. The machine will still give you the money you requested, but

unknown to the robber, the police will be immediately dispatched to the location. This

information was recently broadcasted on CTV by Crime Stoppers however it is seldom used

because people just don't know about it.



Please pass this along to everyone



Don't know if this works in Ireland!

I was just wondering how many people who have a number like '4444' have ever had a good kicking from your local neighbourhood police.

[Bill]

See snopes.com and while you're there check out the popcorn hoax too.

[fcallagy]

seriously its hard enough to get the cops out when you dial 999 or 911 etc never mind having a secret code to alert them something is happening

[fcallagy]

Might have been posted before

The Morning after the Office Party.

Jack woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas
Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it?
Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding
headache,
his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a
couple
of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to
them,
a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.

He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of
drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window
and
all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and,
squinting
gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a
good
sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it

note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with
little
hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is

in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning.
There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye
doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love,
Jillian. x '

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son was sitting at
the
table, eating.

Jack, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.

' Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell

over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and
got that black eye when you ran into the door. '

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order,

aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?'

His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she
tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you
slapper,
I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table £250
Hot Breakfast £3.50
Two Aspirins 20p
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

[jay cluskey]

my wifes been struggleing with mood swings lately so i tried one of those mood rings on her
ive since discovered, when shes in a good mood it goes green and when shes in a bad mood it leaves a big red inprint on my forehead

[jay cluskey]

one day a man goes into a bank with his young son, in front of them in the que there is a rather large lady, well dressed, but very large
the young son says dad ,shes massive
dad says sshh dont be rude
boy says, dad but shes almost the size of a truck
dad says any more and you ll have to go and sit outside
just then the lady s pager goes beep beep beep
kid says quick dad run shes reversing

[sanso]

Originally Posted by jay cluskey

any one got any antibiotics
i have an infraction

... and well deserved, too!
does it itch?

[Stephan Whelan]

Folks - we are getting a LOT of complaints from users on the tone and content of the jokes being posted on the this thread. The team have been issuing Infractions to people and trying to clean the thread but it takes time and is unnecessary.

This site is PG13 - please keep content that way.

If you have received an infraction please be aware that if you receive too many points you will either be set to have your posts moderated or if you gain enough points you will receive an automatic ban for a period.

Please follow the forums rules and general tone of the forums.

Thanks!

[shoutatthesky]

In the time of the old west a three legged dog walks in to a bar...

The dog says to the barman, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

[fcallagy]

I just saw this it might have been on before and does contain a lot of bad language but thought it might ok as its a link to another site but it is class inmho but if it has to be pulled then so be it.
Fred Flintstone is Jake la Motta in raging bull.

YouTube - Raging Fred DeniroStone

[Freediver81]

WHY AM I MARRIED?

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.


At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'


A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'


When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.


A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished


A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'


A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'


Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.


If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.



Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.


First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'



AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!


Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus . so shut up.'

[jay cluskey]

a frenchman an italian were seated next to an englishman on an overseas flight drinking cocktails . they began dicussing their home lives.
the frenchman remarked ,, last night i made love to my wife 5 times this morning she made me fresh crepes and told me how much she adored me
the italian bragged ,, last night i made love to my wife six times , this morning she made me a lovely omellette and told me she could never love another man

when the english man remained silent the french man smugly said,, and how many times did you make love last night ?
once replied the englishman,,
only once asked the italian guy arogantly ,, and what did she say to you this morning
,, dont stop,,