Jokes Thread!!!

[blademasterii]

why do elephants paint their toenails red....



so they can hide in cherry trees..





ever see and elephant in a cherry tree?







guess it works.

[jay cluskey]

whats the diffirence between beer nuts and deer nuts
beer nuts cost $ 199 deer nuts are under a buck

[jay cluskey]

just in case you are not aware of the effects that the current cash crisis is having on the uk and the us finance markets japans banks are realy suffering . the origami bank has folded, the sumo bank has gone belly up, bonsai bank is closing all its branches whilst shares in the kamikaze bank have also nose dived also the karate bank has given all its employees the chop
analysts also report something fishy over at the sushi bank as all customers are recieving a raw deal

[apneaboy]

Just got this advice

If you should ever be forced by a robber to withdraw money from

an ATM machine, you can notify the police by entering your PIN # in

reverse. For example, if your pin number is 1234, then you would put in 4321. The ATM

system recognizes that your PIN number is backwards from the ATM card you placed

in the machine. The machine will still give you the money you requested, but

unknown to the robber, the police will be immediately dispatched to the location. This

information was recently broadcasted on CTV by Crime Stoppers however it is seldom used

because people just don't know about it.



Please pass this along to everyone



Don't know if this works in Ireland!

I was just wondering how many people who have a number like '4444' have ever had a good kicking from your local neighbourhood police.

[Bill]

See snopes.com and while you're there check out the popcorn hoax too.

[fcallagy]

seriously its hard enough to get the cops out when you dial 999 or 911 etc never mind having a secret code to alert them something is happening

[jay cluskey]

I feel motivated now bud

[jay cluskey]

how come when a divorce happens the ex wife gets portion of future earnings
i have promised my wife the same on the condition she takes a portion of future cooking and cleaning

[fcallagy]

Might have been posted before

The Morning after the Office Party.

Jack woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas
Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it?
Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding
headache,
his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a
couple
of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to
them,
a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.

He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of
drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window
and
all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and,
squinting
gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a
good
sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it

note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with
little
hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is

in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning.
There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye
doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love,
Jillian. x '

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son was sitting at
the
table, eating.

Jack, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.

' Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell

over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and
got that black eye when you ran into the door. '

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order,

aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?'

His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she
tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you
slapper,
I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table £250
Hot Breakfast £3.50
Two Aspirins 20p
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

[jay cluskey]

my wifes been struggleing with mood swings lately so i tried one of those mood rings on her
ive since discovered, when shes in a good mood it goes green and when shes in a bad mood it leaves a big red inprint on my forehead

[jay cluskey]

one day a man goes into a bank with his young son, in front of them in the que there is a rather large lady, well dressed, but very large
the young son says dad ,shes massive
dad says sshh dont be rude
boy says, dad but shes almost the size of a truck
dad says any more and you ll have to go and sit outside
just then the lady s pager goes beep beep beep
kid says quick dad run shes reversing

[jay cluskey]

any one got any antibiotics
i have an infraction

[sanso]

Originally Posted by jay cluskey

any one got any antibiotics
i have an infraction

... and well deserved, too!
does it itch?

[jay cluskey]

i whent to the doctors today
i said doc i cant pronounce my fs ts or my gs
he said well you cant say fairer than that

[jay cluskey]

i got sacked at work today my boss said i had poor comunication skills
i didnt know what to say to that