Jokes Thread!!!

[Stephan Whelan]

Folks - we are getting a LOT of complaints from users on the tone and content of the jokes being posted on the this thread. The team have been issuing Infractions to people and trying to clean the thread but it takes time and is unnecessary.

This site is PG13 - please keep content that way.

If you have received an infraction please be aware that if you receive too many points you will either be set to have your posts moderated or if you gain enough points you will receive an automatic ban for a period.

Please follow the forums rules and general tone of the forums.

Thanks!

[jay cluskey]

stephen i got the infraction i am sorry .tone will not be lowered any more apologies to each and all whoever i have offended

[jay cluskey]

went to doctors and said , doc ,of a morning i feel like a wig wam ,of a night i feel like a tee pee .
doc says ,dont worry your just two tense

[shoutatthesky]

In the time of the old west a three legged dog walks in to a bar...

The dog says to the barman, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

[fcallagy]

I just saw this it might have been on before and does contain a lot of bad language but thought it might ok as its a link to another site but it is class inmho but if it has to be pulled then so be it.
Fred Flintstone is Jake la Motta in raging bull.

YouTube - Raging Fred DeniroStone

[jay cluskey]

my nan joined a group to help people with arthritis and rheumatism
she left yesterday saying it was too clicky

[jay cluskey]

i do not see what all this fuss is about barack obama , everyone claims he is an advocate for change, his " yes we can " slogan has been used for years by bob the builder

[jay cluskey]

is it ok to throw flat circular objects at people we do not like


discuss

[Freediver81]

WHY AM I MARRIED?

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.


At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'


A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'


When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.


A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished


A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'


A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'


Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.


If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.



Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.


First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'



AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!


Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus . so shut up.'

[jay cluskey]

a frenchman an italian were seated next to an englishman on an overseas flight drinking cocktails . they began dicussing their home lives.
the frenchman remarked ,, last night i made love to my wife 5 times this morning she made me fresh crepes and told me how much she adored me
the italian bragged ,, last night i made love to my wife six times , this morning she made me a lovely omellette and told me she could never love another man

when the english man remained silent the french man smugly said,, and how many times did you make love last night ?
once replied the englishman,,
only once asked the italian guy arogantly ,, and what did she say to you this morning
,, dont stop,,

[spfoto]

Cofucious say......"Man who run in front of car gets tired."

Confucious also say....."man who run BEHIND car get exhausted".

[Stephan Whelan]

Folks - can we please stop with all the sex jokes - they aren't PG13 and we are now having to consider deleting this whole thread if people do not conform to the rules we've asked people to obey.

This is the final warning.

[mishu1984]

NOOOOOO dont delete it, its one of my fav. threads

[jay cluskey]

OVERHEARD AT A FUNERAL

WOMAN " its terrible he,d only been married for four months"
MAN " well at least he did not suffer for long then"

[jay cluskey]

a hadron is a scientific joke .sorry. hadron coliding thing, that all the boffins are worried about
the world is going to turn into dark matter on all accounts on wednesday
so if it all goes pete tong ill see you thursday