Jokes Thread!!!

[Whopperhead]

Want to hear a dirty joke: Pig fell in the Mud

Want to hear a clean joke: Pig took a shower

[Whopperhead]

This is a True Story: My 5 year old daughter got off the bus and said:

Daughter: Dad, are you gay?
Me: What?! No!

Daughter: Dad, Do you want to be gay?
Me: No, Why are you asking me this?

Daughter: Does your mom know you're gay?
Me: No....Wait!, What? (daughter laughs.... )

Nothing against the people of the gay community- Thinking back to it- it seems kinda funny- that a 5 year old would be asking me that.

[jay cluskey]

i was walking down the street when a guy at an atm asked me to check his balance for him

so i pushed him over

[jay cluskey]

i had to call to a public toilet it had two cubicles one of the doors was locked so i whent into the one next door . i dropped my trousers and sat down
a voice came from the cubicle next door and said to me " hello mate how are you doing"
although i thought it was a bit strange im not rude,i replied" not bad thanks"
after a short pause i heard " so what you up to then"
again i answered somewhat reluctantly" oh you know just having a quick number two , how about your self"
the next thing i heard was " sorry mate ill have to call you back ,ive got some soft ba%%tard in the cubicle next to me answering everything i say"

[jay cluskey]

my wife was complaining last night that i never listen to her, or something like that

[jay cluskey]

going to war over religion is basically killing one another to see who has got the better imaginary freind

[jay cluskey]

little johnny in class doing maths problems teacher asks him a question
jonny, if there are five birds on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many are left?
johnny says, none because all the others would fly away
teacher says , four actualy ,but i like the way you are thinking
little johnny replies,ihave a question for you now ,if there are three women eating ice cream cones in a shop ,one was licking her cone, one was biting her cone and the other was sucking her cone , witch of the women is married?
well, said the teacher nervously, i guess the one sucking the cone,,??
johnny says, wrong , the one with the wedding ring on , but i like the way you are thinking.....

[jay cluskey]

thank christ my infraction has cleared up
now for some realy bad stuff******** just kidding

[jay cluskey]

paddy says to mick ... a bit of advice mick ... if you gonna be making love with youre wife during the day make sure your curtains are closed .... all your neighbours have been saying they saw you yesterday....
mick says to paddy .... well the joke is on them nosy ba**tards then cos i was out at work all day yesterday

[agbiv]

Jay you bust me up. Remember...think of joke, laugh out loud at joke (we know you laugh out loud when alone-it's on youtube). Spell infraction twenty times...and then decide if you should type out the joke (or just PM it to me).

[agbiv]

Just for you Jay:

What goes....

vrooom--screech
vrooom--screech
vrooom--screech??????

Moron (Aggie) trying to get through a flashing red light.
__________________________________________________ _______________

State Trooper pulls over a car load of little old ladies on the highway. He asks the driver if there's any problem. She replies "No why officer?" Trooper advises that they were travelling at 25 mph on the interstate and speed limit is 70 mph. The sweet little driver says "No you're wrong" as she points at the sign on the side of the road. The Trooper chuckles and replies "Maam that's the Highway number sign not the speed limit." Just then one of the ladies in the back seat, looking worse for the wear, screams "I told you Ethel!!! Thank God he didn't stop us as we came off of State #175!" (where is the smilie for groan?)

[jay cluskey]

with all this talk about geneticaly modified food i always check the label before buying lamb wings

[billieball]

What do you call a bee that makes milk instead of honey?

A BOO-BEE!

[agbiv]

Truth in labeling???? So just what ARE "Mountain Oysters"?????

[josedesucre]

BLONDE JOKE OF THE CENTURY!!!!


A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going
through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and
starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color
of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because
you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only
blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your
knee."